The George Clooney Story

George Clooney and Grant Heslov, (heyuguys.com) They ummmm,
didn't exactly win any Oscars for the movie they were filming when I served them. 

I was thinking about making you buy the book for this one too, but just in case there is no book, it's a story that needs to be told, I figure.

BUT there's also a catch: some fairly exhaustive backstory. You really won't be able to appreciate the first words that came out of my mouth when I met Mr. Clooney, unless you have the backstory.

So about a month before "George Clooney walks into a bar" ...

I'm serving dinner and drinks to these three guys from out of town at the bar - which was quite normal for me in Roswell (at Cattle Baron - it was "my bar" Monday-Friday for about seven years, and we had arguably the best hotel in town for business travelers right next door. We were un-arguably the best place to eat in town, so it turned into a very mutually beneficial relationship). 

And yeah, in whatever inane chitter-chatter I might've made or overheard with these guys, something about filming a movie probably came up. That too happens in Roswell (I've been in a few myself). These guys were more in the "scouting out the town" stage of whatever it was they were into.

So at some point Randy comes in, sits on the other end of the bar, and orders dinner as well. He of course orders The Millionaire's Steak, so named because ... Oh haha, I'm getting ahead of myself.

Again.

I know, "Who's Randy?" right?

Long story short, Randy used to serve and bartend here with me, got fired, then won a chunk of over $200 million when his family hit the Powerball after going in together on lottery tickets at Randy's niece's third birthday party.

True story.

Randy's a good regular now, tips okay (20%). I'll tell you about all that some other time maybe. That would be "The Randy Miller Story" however, and this is "The George Clooney Story" ...

Time passes.

One of my three gentlemen (pictured above) announces his pending early retirement across the way to his hotel room and "tabs out" with me. The other gentlemen order two more drinks. As I'm making them, Randy pops up with "I recognize him ... He's an actor ...

"What's the movie with Arnold Schwarzenegger and Jamie Lee Curtis?"

"True Lies?" I offer.

"Yes!" Randy exclaims. "He was the helicopter pilot who got shot."

Sounded like a longshot to me actually, that Randy would remember that small a part after that much time. Seemed unlikely, but just to be congenial and to make conversation (among the other things I do, besides making drinks and serving diners) I check back with the two guys, leading with "Hey my friend made your friend. Says he was a helicopter pilot in True Lies."

"Yeh, he was. Grant Heslov. He's a producer now."

I act sufficiently impressed enough to pass for sincere, and report back to Randy to offer him his kudos for nailing the mystery guest. And to check on his steak.


And then I forgot about it.


Time passes.

The town's all abuzz with the news that George Clooney is somewhere, filming a scene for some movie. Nobody seems to know the what and the where, and various local sites are being debated by those pretending they know something about where "the best place to actually see him" will be. Personally I can't help but pondering while in the shower "Well, we are right next to the best hotel in town ... and we're the best restaurant in town ... everybody winds up here eventually."

But now it's been hours since my shower and it's loud. I'm quite busy, and all the musings of whom I might see at work tonight are forgotten ... lost to the tyranny of the urgent. I'm constantly prioritizing and re-prioritizing two or three times per minute, as I accomplish one thing, or something or someone new comes into the picture suddenly.

Like that moment when you hate to have to leave the bar for any length of time, but it's busy all around tonight and it's almost past time for me to go check on some food I've ordered for a guest that seems to be taking a moment or two longer than I'd expect, and nobody else is running it out to me so I need to go check myself and when I return to the bar with his still hot food (I have this sense of timing that sometimes just goes off when someone's food is ready, like my own personal "Spidey-sense" ... it also tingles when I'm being seated a new table yet I'm not within eye-range of the hostess) in my hands, when I do my usual re-entry scan and notice two new guests way down at the end of the bar so I drop the food off hoping to get away quickly without any conversation so that I can greet the new guests and hustle over there and now I'm eye-to-eye with the first of the two guys and holy shit that's George Clooney, and suddenly I have no idea what to do or say.

I don't have a box for this situation in my brain, or know what to do next. No SOP. If Mr. Clooney were an old lady who's oxygen tank had run out, I would know what do to. I've dealt with that before. If he were almost dead and surrounded by paramedics on the ground in front of the salad bar where people are walking back and forth I could step in to direct traffic, and just do the same thing I did the last time a man died in front of me at work.

But this isn't those stories. This is George Clooney, now smiling back at me - and you know what's more? He's looking like he'd like to order a drink ...

Well, in that respect he's just like any one of the other countless thousands of people I've made drinks for. With that, my fear of the unknown dissipates, and muscle memory kicks in. I've got this. Instinctively, I turn away from Mr. Clooney without speaking, because making eye contact and welcoming ALL new guests is a top priority and so, turning to Mr. Clooney's left / my right, my gaze falls upon the face of a man I've seen only once before.

Now, you and I know good and well that he and I didn't exactly get down to a first-name-basis the last time he was here ... heh, not by any means. Nonetheless, there he is, and suddenly my most immediate problem is solved.

Beaming, I stretch forth my open right hand to shake his, and even muster the gaul to say ... "Hi Grant!

"Thanks for bringing me in some new business."

Grant responds by kind of playing along with my vibe for just a second ... even shaking my hand maybe just to see where this is going. Before I lose any momentum, I close the deal - again on instinct - by leaning in saying "What can I get for you?"

Looking back to Mr. Clooney now, I see that he's still turned towards Mr. Heslov with this look that says "Oh, and just how do YOU rate?"

or, "So, you're a bigger shot than me now?" It was quite funny, for improv.

Mustering my focus enough to just casually ask "And you sir?" Mr, Clooney requests a "vodka/cranberry." Surprisingly, he settles for Absolut. Despite my obligatory upgrade effort, he's old school, not a chance.

"Yes, please" he says to the lime, and I get to slide away from this first round knowing that I nailed it. He'll be eating out of my hand from here out.

However, looking back now on the three nights in a row that I served these same gentlemen, I feel remiss that I actually don't remember what Mr. Heslov ordered. Heck, I can still tell you exactly what Mr. Clooney ate even, but not even what Mr. Heslov replied to me in that moment.

And altho I know I sound like I came off pretty smooth in that George Clooney moment, I feel a genuine loss reporting to you that just two nights later, when Kevin Spacey and Jeff Bridges also came into the bar (filming a scene for the same movie), I completely failed to simply hand Mr. Bridges a White Russian saying, "Here ya are, Dude. On me." I still regret not thinking of that.


Man, this has been quite a long blog entry, hasn't it?


You're staring at me. What?

Three nights I waited on him? What happened? What'd he say? How'd he tip? What DID he eat? What's he like?

Details, details ... looks like all of that will have to wait, for what I guess I'll now have to (quite incorrectly) call "The Grant Heslov Story."


Perhaps that can be "Next, on Guy's Work Blog."


Unless I decide to go with "The Randy Miller Story."


Honestly, I rarely know what's next.

The Return of Guy's Work Blog?

Well, Yes and No.

It's more like The End, actually, but please don't let me get ahead of myself again.


So Hello my peeps. It's been awhile.

He said, somber, and rather overstating-edly.

That's a word I just made up. It's something we servers have to do from time-to-time. My absolute favorite is making up policies on-the-fly, when I don't want to do something. But again, I'm already ahead of myself. I'll tell you more about that in "Let Them Eat Cake" though, so stay tuned.


Many changes have taken place in my life since last we spoke, most of them not easy. I'm feeling my age, my people, I'm feeling my age...

More recently, a random encounter got me talking a little bit about this blog, and long story short now she's a reader, and I need to finish this. For myself that is... And for you as well.

It's not like I've forgotten about you tho - no not at all! (I did forget about a couple on their anniversary back in August and ummmm, that didn't really turn out all that well for me... but) YOU I have definitely been thinking about! I have in fact saved titles and drafted notes for about a dozen more entries (listed below) that I want to include for you.

I've even written "The End." - By that I mean I've already written what I've long considered to be the last and closing chapter to complete this as a book - over a year ago - and can I tell you something...?

It's amazing, that's what. It literally brings a tear to my eye. I picture maybe delivering it on-stage for a Ted Talk or something (shout out to The Moth) and trying not to cry.

It's that damn good, I shizzle you nizzle.

It too, was inspired by a random event while I was serving a family in town shopping colleges for their boy. But you'll have to wait to read it. And it'll only be in the book.

Here, however, is what you can expect to look forward to while you're waiting. I feel it's important because you've been a part of me, and I wanted to let you know that there's still more to come :


The One Where I Had to Wait on the Manager to get the Job

Let them eat Cake - but I’m not cutting it!

The George Clooney Story (Yes, I really did serve him)

A Box of Your Finest Cabernet

Why Luigi likes me

Don't Quit Your Night Job - some day jobs I’ve had

The Time I Cried

86 Oxygen

I Watched A Man Die Tonight (Yes, for realz. At work.)

I Finally Figured Out What You’re Paying Me For

Dirty Word Spoiler Alert

Meanwhile, back at the "We don't carry Ranch"  

I Hate This F#$%ing Place

Sound like I've got some pretty good sounding stuff planned ahead for you? 

Well thank you, I do try.

"But wait!" you say?  "You're NEW to Guy's Work Blog??" "Well, just what in the world have you been missing?" - you might still be wondering? 

For the answer to this perplexing question, and more, let's hear it in my afore-mentioned random encounter's own words (which she texted me) : 

Guy's Work Blog is 

"... funny and down right nitty gritty.
It calls out both sides - servers and guests.
Love it!" - Meryah, Dave & Buster's

That's what she said. 

And y'see, that's the kind of quote that sells books, my friends. And if I have that, all I need now is the book to sell to go with it. So back to work! Sure, with the way things are in my life now, I certainly can't promise you a time-table, but at least know that I'm feeling inspired and that I'm still always thinking about you, okay?

And yes, I know I've played the "Almost finished" song for ya while cranking out a series once or twice already. But admit it - it was a pretty good ride, am I right? I didn't much expect it to be at first either, but none leave turn unstoned... right? 

For that matter, I've no idea where this series will take me, so it looks like we're all on the last leg of this journey just learning together. Thanks for hanging with me this long - or, if that's not you - enter your e-mail at top to subscribe, and let's see just how much deeper this rabbit hole we can all go. 

Oh, and speaking of shizzle - Why does Snoop Dog (aka Snoop Lion) carry an umbrella?

Fo' drizzle.

And just HOW does Snoop Dog get his shirts SO white?

(Answer below...)

He uses bliotch, baby! Bliotch!

Gluten Allergy, My Ass

Look lady -

Do NOT tell me you have a gluten allergy, and then ask me whether or not the mashed potatoes or the ice cream contains gluten.

#1) I am neither a pharmacist nor a certified dietitian. At my current level of education, I earn two dollars an hour, and I am worth every penny of it. Which - if any - of our foods contain gluten was not on any of the tests I had to pass to get this job, okay?

#2) We both know damn good and well that anyone who is allergic to anything knows good and well what they can or cannot eat when out in public.

The truth is, you're NOT allergic to gluten. The truth is, you heard from a friend over cocktails somewhere that eating gluten-free is healthier, so now you're going through a phase of reading cereal boxes, and asking wait staff lame questions which they don't know the answers to, to indulge your current fantasy of becoming a better You.

And I'm okay with that ... good for you. You go girl, and all that ...

But DO NOT LIE TO MY FACE about it, and tell me you're "allergic" - okay???

I agree that if you seriously were allergic to something, it would be worth my time to try and save your life by wondering around trying to find some kitchen person or manager who may or may not actually know the answer to your question. But you're not allergic, and therefore it's not worth my time to find this out for you. Even if you're "gluten-sensitive" then you're going to have to do your own research on the internet, or maybe pay a dietitian to give you a list of approved foods and places to eat, okay?

Wait staff however, are not generally going to be qualified to get this right for you. Wait staff are generally the kind of people who give you "regular" coffee when you ordered "decaf" because nobody's made decaf yet tonight and we're not about to start now. I'm not like that personally, but it does happen. Wait staff (on average) are about a thousand times more likely to have smoked a fattie right before they came to work, than they are to have "boned up" on their food allergies before they came to work. It's because I love you, that I'm telling you that wait staff are just overall not the type of people you should trust with such important things, okay?

What I can tell you for certain is that we have flour and flour-based batters in the building, because we cook bread and we fry things here. Lots of things. Flour therefore floats through the air at times because of the air conditioner and the fans, and could potentially cover every surface and dish in the entire kitchen at times. And when the air conditioning and fans are not performing well, then sweat - (yes, as in perspiration - dripping off of some cook or waiter's flour-tainted forehead) may be the last ingredient that landed in your dinner just before it got walked out to you. Therefore, nothing in the building can be certified as gluten-free - just "gluten friendly" at the absolute best. Therefore - no matter what I or any other tragically under-educated person in this building tells you - if you really are allergic to gluten then you might die if you eat in this restaurant, period.

Now if our menu, states in writing, that something is gluten-free, then - and only then - can you be certain enough about the gluten content (well, the lack thereof) to order it. If it's in writing then I'd say that someone who cared enough and who actually has the credentials to say so, got paid a lot of money to say so, and to attract gluten-allergic and gluten-sensitive eaters to our business. And if the answer to whether or not you can eat this particular item is a resounding "YES" then you should order it, based on what the menu says, but NOT, NOT, NOT based upon what your server says. Because they don't really know.

But if any of that were the case, AND you really were allergic to gluten, then you'd be ordering it with confidence, without asking your $2 an hour waiter about it.

And if whoever wrote the menu somehow got this wrong, then perhaps you could sue the restaurant for what they incorrectly stated in writing.

Sue them posthumously, I mean.

All I'm saying, is do not trust a restaurant server with this question, and definitely do not lie to them about it either.

Because if you do, then you probably deserve whatever happens to you.


Did I just say all that outloud?


Sorry, didn't realize you were standing there.

Will New IRS Ruling Spell "The End" of Automatic Gratuity?

More about Restaurant Tipping & Automatic Gratuity

In the future, more restaurant debit/credit slips will look more like this,
to meet IRS regs ensuring that customers can choose how much to tip,
so that the restaurant does not have to deal with the new
"Service Charge" definition of auto-gratuities.
Image: Flicker & Manny Hernandez

Well just in time to interrupt the publishing of this "tippng series" as a book, I should report to those of you who are still (despite my best efforts ;) 100% opposed to seeing an automatic gratuity added to your bills, that you may indeed get your way after all.

Compliments of your friendly Internal Revenue Service.

There's a new IRS ruling that I'm not happy about at all. Now, I'm not grumbling as if this new rule will somehow mean that I/we owe MORE taxes on our tips and gratuities, as you might suspect. It doesn't mean that at all. It's an intense new cluster of paperwork that I can clearly see will make many restaurants drop the practice of auto-gratting, solely to avoid the hassle.

I can already see where all of this will result in less taxable income to me overall, which is why I don't like it.

The gory details are spelled out in many recent articles, like "Restaurants May Have to Change Tip Reporting Systems," "IRS Says Auto Gratuities Are Treated as Wages, Not Tips,"  and most telling of all "Say Goodbye to Automatic Gratuities."

These articles are rather technical, so boiling things down for you, as I see it the new ruling creates at least two distinct sets of problems for restaurants with an auto-grat policy, in order to remain compliant with the new IRS regulations:

1) The ruling means that the IRS is forcing restaurants to create new (as in extra, not merely different) classifications for reporting servers' income. The new and different columns will revolve around instances of whether the gratuity you pay still fits the old definition of a "tip" or the newer one of a "service charge." If you the customer did not solely determine the specific amount of the tip (as is the case with an auto-grat, which again started as the servers' protection mostly against exceptionally huge losses on large parties) then it is deemed to be a service charge, not a tip.

Which does make sense, I realize. It's kind of like the "labor" you pay for when you get your car worked on - it's a fixed amount that the establishment sets. However, being that it's an actual charge, many states are going to collect sales tax on it, meaning the customer loses out because of higher prices. Oh, and since it's now a charge that's paid to the restaurant (not a tip paid to the server) the restaurant can legally KEEP all of it they want to, and pay their employees whatever they deem appropriate, so long as it's above minimum wage. I can't help but see greedy corporations and dishonest business owners skimming portions of the "service charge" right out of the servers' pockets and into their own. Adding insult to injury, many servers will get their share of these "service charges" on our paychecks now, not on the night you dined. So the waiters lose in this new math as well as the customers.

"The State," meanwhile, will now require separate and additional types of accounting to make the restaurant compliant with FICA laws. I'm always taxed on all tips already, and it's not clear whether this would mean even more taxes owed by me or not (not the point), but it will require much more complicated and headache-inspiring diligence by the restaurant's accountant or accounting firm to keep straight. This obviously will cost them time and probably money to sort out.

2) The auto-grat - now called a service charge - creates all sorts of implications for payroll purposes, requiring near-incomprehensible micro-divisions and sub-categories of wage and taxation classification. This ruling creates new and difficult calculations of what our true "hourly pay" actually is - which could now change on any given day or shift! This creates additional complications in regards to computation of our over-time pay (which we rarely are allowed) becoming even more costly for the restaurant.

The worst part is that if a server has one or two auto-gratted tables on a given night, then three or four which are not, he or she would in effect be working at two different pay-scales simultaneously! This would be a nightmare to keep straight, and downright impossible for a restaurant to correctly track and report, thus inviting the IRS to get on their backs and all up in their business in new and creative ways. And who wants that?

Net result of these factors being the probable elimination the auto-grat entirely by many small businesses and large chains alike. They'll just naturally wish to avoid the paperwork headaches, additional accounting and taxation costs, and probable fines for getting it wrong (because it looks really hard to ever get this new system right).

The only other way to avoid the confusion would be for a restaurant to auto-grat EVERY table, regardless of size. It's possible that only this method could guarantee complete consistency and elimination of errors in their payroll. This would be simple, but definitely not popular, as I'm sure you can agree. That's the way things are done in Europe, and Americans customers don't like the service we get from most European waiters any more than American waiters like the way European customers tip.

Am I right, or am I right?

The losers are many in this system, and the only clear winner I can see is big government. The restaurants lose as operating costs increase and good help goes elsewhere, if they don't both keep the auto-grat and comply with confusing and costly procedures. The servers lose personal income at the places that drop the auto-grat just to avoid dealing with the whole mess. The customers especially lose as the additional labor and accounting costs increase and get incorporated into meal prices.

What I don't think the I.R.S. sees coming however, is that they are just creating anew the very problem they've been trying to solve for decades ... Many, many years ago you see, the I.R.S. became aware that many waiters and waitresses weren't reporting all of their cash tips as income at the end of each shift. Since the 1990's (in my experience), I've witnessed restaurant owners and managers increasingly "tighten the nut" on making sure their waitstaff claims their tips by stricter and stricter policies, to avoid being open to I.R.S. audits and intense scrutiny on their business practices.

This problem has all but gone away in fact, with the rise of Debit Cards however - 95% plus of tables I wait on today pay via debit or credit, and how much they tip is recorded in writing and entered into the computer. All that meaning that the numbers of servers who are accurately and honestly reporting their tips is probably higher today than it has ever been. Not to sound all Ron Paul on you, but this occurred because "the market" itself created the solution (debit cards), not big government or legislation and paperwork.

But these new rules on auto-grat and service charges, I think, are going to have unforeseen results. How so?

Simple - I think more and more people are going to return to tipping in cash. As word spreads, and it becomes common knowledge that the restaurants you eat it are possibly keeping a portion of the service charges and credit card tips to line their own coffers, and that your servers aren't even taking home much of what you *thought* you tipped them, but are now having to wait on their paychecks and hope the employer actually gives it all to them ... I simply think that a new generation of former restaurant people and sophisticated diners who know such details are going to respond with sympathy, and with cash tips, to make sure that the person who actually waited on them actually receives the tip they actually left. My personal thanks to you if this is your choice. I'll still claim it like I always do anyways, but under this new way of doing things, the service charge has a lonnnnnng way to travel before it hits my bank account, and tipping in cash really will again become the best way to reward good service.

So how did these new rules get started anyways? I can only guess, but I'm willing to bet that some IRS agents went out to eat somewhere as a group, their table got auto-gratted, and they were miffed about it.

Perhaps they vowed revenge, and secretly plotted the best way to make sure it would never happen again.

Whatever the case, the IRS may well have succeeded in bringing a near-end to the auto-grat as we know it, as restaurants deal with the practical repercussions of this new legislation, effective January 2013.

So, have my labors of these past few months been in vain? Is this book obsolete before it even sees print?

Nah. For one, many of you readers are becoming better tippers to your servers, or so I'm hearing from you. I do additionally hope that you'll take the time to perhaps be more scrutinizing over your choices of where to eat as well. I hope that you'll reward (with your presence, and discretionary dollars) the places that keep their auto-gratuity, despite the hassles they're going through to be fully IRS compliant.

And just if and when you actually do have a choice of where to eat, it's still my personal opinion that you will generally receive a much higher level of service and professionalism from the waiters and waitresses qualified to obtain, and keep, jobs in restaurants that include auto-gratuity, largely because they want to retain long-term skilled servers.

The old addage says "you get what you pay for..." I believe that the distinction in service levels will become even more apparent to you, both as this new ruling plays out, and as corporations and chains make their choices as to whether or not to include an auto-gratuity in their billing.

What Time Do You Close?

Not MY face - I'm thinking "YES! Party of 10 equals BANK!!"

Some fellow servers and I are just going to have to part ways on this one, as today's post does not reflect the opinions of most restaurant people.

No doubt most waiters and waitresses will tell you that one of the top most annoying things a customer can ever do, is to walk in five minutes before the restaurant closes for the night expecting to be served.

I saw the question posed on an online forum recently, which read "How long before closing is it acceptable to come into a restaurant for dinner?"

Service (and I'm using the term loosely here) Industry people had definitely taken over the conversation, many arguing that "about an hour" before the posted time is the "appropriate cut-off time" to be seated in a full-service establishment.

I chimed in, and basically told them to get over themselves.

At five to fifteen minutes before closing time all across America, things are definitely being cleaned up and put away. The cooks are breaking down the grill and taking their pots and pans to the dishwasher. Servers have taken apart and cleaned the cappuccino machine, the tea machine, and polished their silverware. Bartenders are pouring hot water over the ice bins and wiping everything else down. The manager is waiting for the last table to pay so that their closing paperwork can begin. Everybody's just counting off the final seconds before they can clock out and go home. I know this all too well my fellow restaurant people, and whilst you or I might never walk into a restaurant five minutes before closing ...

The truth is, we're still open.

No doubt, servers absolutely hate it when they think they're about to leave, then two people stroll in asking "What time do you close?" (... as if the sign out front didn't already answer that question. You're not fooling us with that one, you do realize?)

Anyhow, allow me to be the bad guy who tells these servers that "In five minutes..." is not the correct answer.

I know you've worked a double and have been on your feet for twelve hours. I also know what time you have to be here the next morning. And I know you're pretty sure that your chances of getting drunk or laid are diminishing the later you stay here tonight. I know. The customers don't know this though, and - Newsflash! - they don't want to know either. All they know is that they're hungry, this is a restaurant, and your lights are on.

Unless your restaurant's policy clearly states otherwise (via a sign or consistently observed policy) the only correct answer to these nice hungry people's question is "We don't stop seating for another five minutes, so you made it! Right this way..."

Sorry, I know you were thinking how nice it might be to get off "early" for once, but alas, such is not your fate tonight. Your fate is to work a little harder on that degree (or whatever your thing is) so that one day, when you own a business, you get to decide when it's okay to turn people away. Until then, you're in the "Hospitality Business" which requires one thing of you above all else - some hospitality!

If you really need to get off at a specific time each night, you can always take your people skills and go work at Wal-Mart. We both know good and well however, that your significant other knows by now that you don't get off (or home) at the same time every night - "It all depends on how busy we are" right? Well guess what? You just got busier. So hate me if you want, but I'm just telling you that right now you've got people to wait on. You need to suck it up, be appreciative that they're spending their hard-earned money in your section, and get ready to maybe wash that coffeepot out one more time.

You can argue that "one does not simply walk into" an auto mechanic's business or a dentist's office five minutes before closing, and expect them to stay an hour later for you. You'd be quite correct in that argument. But you're not a dentist, you're a waiter.

In some businesses, the posted closing time is indeed when the last person has to leave the building. Not true in American culture, in the restaurant business however. Here, the cultural norm is that people can come in - and be seated - up until the posted closing time. That's just the way things are, so if you can't play by those rules, then quit asking your boss to give you the money-making closing shifts anymore, and go back to getting "cut" when the newbies do, okay?

Now I am reasonable, and there are limits. The guests need to know this as well. It's okay to politely convey that "Because the kitchen is closing, I do need to get your order in to them in about five minutes." Or two, whatever the case is. That absolutely should be made clear. This is not a case where they're going to be able to enjoy two cocktails and appetizers before ordering. No, not this late. The kitchen staff is already going ballistic in fact, but this should not be conveyed. Nor should it be compounded.

The food will probably come out pretty darn quickly too. They need to eat it, and pay fairly promptly. I don't think the guests in this situation need to feel that it's okay for them to linger, either. I'll gladly take any table that comes in five minutes before closing (or five minutes after, if management is agreeable and the kitchen has not already been broken down) BUT there's a huge difference between closing a place down, and thinking it's alright to still be there when it opens again.

People can come in at the last minute, and I will feed them. They are not permitted to order a third bottle of wine and make out in the booth however, while the waiter, busser, bartender and manager are waiting for them to leave. Nope, that's expecting just a little too much, Romeo and Juliet. I will cordially feed you a great dinner (I will not offer desert), and I'll give you "about an hour" - tops - after the posted closing time before bringing the check.

I will then politely but kinda firmly say "Hey folks, I'm glad we got you in just under the wire, but my manager has to have the books closed out now, before the computer something something something..."

So that's my take on it. When there's still time to be seated, we need to wait on you, and not complain about it. And because we did, when your food is gone and the restaurant really is closed, you need to go.

Fair enough?


Hard to tell just who's side I'm on sometimes, isn't it?

Stereotypes, and Why I Didn't AutoGrat tonight

Image - PBS Documentary "Black Folk Don't : Tip"

Hey, I've got a joke for ya :

"What's the difference between canoes and lesbians?"

"Canoes tip."

If that offends you, sorry, but it was told to me by a male gay server... which makes it okay, right?

All that was just my way of saying "So, let's talk stereotypes!"

You know, like "Black people don't tip..."

Because just when I think I've successfully argued the rationale and my right to autograt every table I can, along comes a group which gives me pause. Much to the chagrin of my co-worker (and financial partner in tip-sharing for the evening) and after much deliberation, I finally chose not to autograt a party for the first time in memory.

Stereotypes played a large role in this decision.

Late on a slow night, I'm alerted by the manager-on-duty of a new 5-top whom she's just seated in my section. Any optimistic hopes I may have had that this will be the table that "makes my night" (financially) dwindle as I walk into the main dining room and notice that it's a table of five black guys.

I'm sure that sounds quite racist, but it's not. It's common knowledge in the restaurant business that black people - on average - don't tip as well as white people do, on average. Am I stereotyping? Yes I am. We all do, but it's a stereotype supported by my years of experience, and the experiences of many other servers.

Today, there are published studies which explore the statistics behind this stereotype, and even a PBS documentary entitled "Black Folk Don't Tip" by Angela Tucker (who is black, btw). Turner interviews several black people in her video, who generally affirm the truth of the stereotype, and cite possible reasons. One posits that black people have less "tipping history" to draw from, because they were denied entry into restaurants for so long in American history. Another, saying it's perhaps "a throwback to slavery" where black people were forced to work for white people for nothing, and so today when we work for them, we get nothing in return. However, Cornell University's study says that black people "tip less than whites even when the server is black" so maybe that's not it.

Ask any black server if you don't believe me. They will affirm that their experience is the same. As Lawrence (whom I worked with years ago at The Prime Cut) liked to say "I love my people. But I don't like waiting on them."

Now many problems come into play when servers respond to this stereotype as if it were an insoluable fact, the largest perhaps being that servers (black and white) don't really want to wait on black parties. It would be correct to say that our optimism of getting a huge tip wanes, and we walk over to the table hoping we'll make maybe 15% anyways, secretly dreading that we might get stiffed. The black server who wasn't seated this group smiles knowingly and says "Good luck with that" as we go to greet the table. However, in certain cases of being seated a black party, a more unprofessional server will withdraw entirely, purposely giving inferior service because they're not expecting to make much money. This of course creates a truly vicious cycle - or a self-fulling prophecy, if you will - of the black people tipping poorly not because they're black, but because they got poor service, and the stereotype continuing.

I learned my lesson years and years ago on this topic. As a newbie waiter at Ruby Tuesday's (in Knoxville Tennessee, where not a lot of black people live) I was seated a black couple on a Friday night. I was still developing into a server who could handle a busy station at that time, but wasn't quite there yet, and was somewhat aware of the mantra "black people don't tip." Because of the volume levels, I came to one or two points in the hour where I had more to do than I could really execute, and made an internal decision to give worse service to the black couple so that I could give better service to my other three tables, who were all white and presumably would tip me better. Yes, I'm admitting this.

By "worse service" I mean that they didn't get re-filled on their drinks as often or as timely as my other tables. They sat there with empty, dirty plates a bit longer as well, until I was "caught up" enough to take them away. I didn't chit-chat with them as much as I did with my other tables either.

So when all was said and done and I'm picking up my books from the empty tables, guess what? The black couple left me $5. That's five 1980's dollars. Five 1980's dollars at a Ruby Tuesday no less. That equates to about twenty-five modern dollars at the more expensive type of restaurants I work at now, and it was well over 20% of their tab. In fact, going by percentage, they tipped me better than any of the other three tables of white rednecks whom I'd given the preferential treatment to.

I felt shame. I realized that I was a lousy human being, and definitely not a professional server either. Like I said, I learned my lesson that day, and then and there resolved to give the best service I can to everybody, because you really don't know - plus it's my job so I need to just do it as best I can. That day, I experienced what others in Turner's video point out, that some black people actually over-tip in order to make up for the stereotype. They are in effect purposely "buying" a better reputation for their entire race, and sacrificing personally to make things better for other black people and their own children, perhaps. Over the years I have received some truly awful tips from black people (and of course white as well), yet I've also been blatantly over-tipped several times as well, from certain black guests.

(Up until now, I've really not wanted to tackle the "black people don't tip" idea in this blog because I know it's controversial. As evidence of my intent and attitude however, I remind you of "Miss Virginia" from my "Worst Day Ever" entry, where I quite purposefully mentioned that she tipped me 30% that day, as my subtle yet intentional effort of not perpetuating the more common attitude. Did ya even notice I did that?)

So anyways, five black guys, right?

Our restaurant's website encourages guests to dress in "business casual" attire, but apparently these guys didn't get that memo. Not a problem, as not everybody that comes in here dresses up, but all I'm saying is that their outfits weren't chosen to help me feel like they were big tippers. There were many bright colors, some loose jeans which were showcasing some really stylish underwear, and not all of their jeans were blue for that matter. Whether these guys were looking "gangster," "ghetto," "styling and profiling" for going to a nice club later or for shooting a hip new music video was not immediately apparent to me. At this point in my life, I'm just too uncool to tell the difference anymore. So maybe I'm generalizing, but the idea that these guys are the "over-tipping type" of black folk doesn't exactly enter my head.

Now, judging solely by their voices and speech patterns, something else becomes apparent as I'm greeting the guys and getting their drink orders. These guys are gay. Well call me sheltered, but the thought occurs to me that "Hey... I don't think I've ever been in the company of five gay black men before..."

Then another thought immediately creeps into my head. "Hey, gay men are usually fantastic tippers. This could turn out well!" It's just another stereo-type I know, but also one that proves to be true when averaged out in the long term.

So while I'm waiting on the guys (and giving them my normal friendly, efficient service I might add) I can't help but wondering how these stereo-types will work together. Will they cancel each other out, or will one trump the other?

"If racial stereotype equals matter, and orientation stereotype equals anti-matter......?" I'm pondering.

Wait, the plot thickens. Another friend joins them, and then another, making seven gay black men that I'm waiting on now. Gay, black, or not, that's seven people Bucco, and our menu states that 20% gratuity will be added to parties of 7 or more.

My tip-pool partner and I raise our eyebrows optimistically and with a hint of relief, knowing that all elements of chance and universe-shattering paradoxes have disappeared, because now we can auto-grat. And if there's any question, even James (a fellow waiter, who is black) says "Do it."

Not that there's any question whatsoever, if you know me.

But then A SNAG comes up. One of the "joiners" isn't eating. Or drinking anything. He's really just there to meet up with his friends before they all move on to somewhere more exciting than this place. I did bring him water, but he didn't ask me to.

So how does that figure in to the auto-grat equation? The number is right, but one's not eating. In fact, two others aren't eating either, they're just having drinks while their friends eat, before all going out together.

I know what you're thinking .. "Well of course you can't auto-grat if one of them didn't even order anything!" I'm sure you're thinking this, right?

But that's just you, and this is probably the first time you've ever pondered the situation. Plus, if your income has never depended upon how you answer such questions, then you might even call me biased (or other, more choice words) but this ain't my first rodeo. I've made this call a dozen times easily, and even had to answer for it a couple of times.

Once, I had some customers (white folk) "call me" on auto-gratting them when one of their party was an infant who didn't order an entree, but that little baby made the table reach the magic number. The menu doesn't say how many entrees result in an auto-grat, it says people. Your little tyke is a person whether he orders from our menu or not, and that counts. Even though little tykes usually graciously tip by leaving 20% of their Cheerios behind for me, I can't spend Cheerios, and the fact that you brought him or her out took up space that I had to clean up afterwards, and they count as a person. Every time.

Black, White, Hispanic, Foreigners, Christians (I love my people, but I don't like waiting on them) - doesn't matter, I will auto-grat when the restaurant's policy says so, and you know this about me, right? And you still love me...

But this... tonight... this table launches me into some truly new territory. This one I have to really think about, and I now appreciate them coming in for that reason alone. They've turned my otherwise mundane night into one of exciting mental gymnastics and ethical and moral dilemmas and stuff, that require me to actually THINK about what I'm doing, for the first time in Oh so long!

All they had was appetizers and a few drinks. My partner expects me to auto-grat them, and it's his income on the line as well as mine if I don't, if the group doesn't tip. The restaurant's policy is to auto-grat. So why am I hesitating?

Well, because they're black. That, and I have a soul. There's a chance they'll challenge the auto-grat based on the fact that one of them didn't eat. I've politely stood my ground on that one before but in this case, I feel like they'll think I'm pushing the policy beyond what is reasonable simply because they're black, not because of my personal policy on people and numbers. Maybe they'd make a scene (no more or less of one than pissed-off white people would, I mean) but whether they would or not, in my heart I just know... they'll be offended.

I'm not in the business of offending people, but I do expect to be paid for what I do. My partner for the evening makes it known that he expects me to grat them, and the manager (white girl, who dates a black guy) has already told me that she will authorize doing so, based on the number of people at the table.

I'd be "in the right" but only in a very debatable way.

Oh, decisions, decisions...

"Black people don't tip."

"Gay men are great tippers."

The moment of truth arrives, and I go to James (the black waiter, and our "senior server" that night) for one last opinion. I have every confidence that what James will say will match what he'd do if it were his money - and his personal integrity - at stake. He asks me "How much is the tab up to?" I show it to him - just $74. His words echo what I've already decided, but man it's good to get a second opinion from a server more professional than my snot-nosed young partner for the evening.

"Don't grat that shit," he says, and I don't. I can't. Acting within my rights somehow doesn't feel right this time. $14 ($7 to me) just isn't worth offending people over.

So for the first time in over a decade, I don't grat a table that I could have, and decide to earn my money (or not) the old-fashioned way this time - by leaving it up to the customer.

I split the checks up as they've directed me, and spin the wheel to see what happens.


Curious? Admit it. You are...


Well, if it were a poker hand, I just hit a straight - of stereotypes.

One guy stiffed me on his beer. The two that ate left me $3 on $42, for about a 7% tip. One left me $2 on a $10 cocktail. And the one that had an appetizer and a coke left a ten-dollar tip on his $16 check.

Every so-called "black stereotype" possible, all at one table.. the stiff, the crap tip, the industry standard one, and the over-tipper who evens out the bad ones.

The auto-grat would have been about $14.80. Without it, we made $15, kept the peace, and I slept well. If not for the over-tipper though, Id've owed my partner a few bucks - and would have gladly paid it because part of being a grown-up means that every now and then you just have to take one for the team.

The human team, that is.



If you're like me, one question remains however :

If they were seven heterosexual black men, would I have taken the same risk, or would I have gratted them?

Well, I can't honestly say off the top of my head. Every situation's different, and you never know what you're going to do sometimes. All I can say for sure, is that if having a bisexual roommate in college who dragged me along to Academy Award winning movies by Spike Lee taught me anything, it would have to be

"Always do the right thing."

Attack of the Coupon People and Gift Certificate Users : Waiters Tremble

"It's the most, wonderful time, of the yeeeeeeear!" I'm lying again.

So it's mid-February as I write this.

I, and millions of other servers, are breathing a long collective sigh of relief, as we've FINALLY gotten past what can be our most trying time of the year.

I'm speaking of the dreaded January - which for us lasts from New Years' Eve through Valentine's Day.

For servers, the "month" of January is bracketed by the two "Amateur Nights" listed - noteworthy for the large number of cheap unsophisticated diners and poor tippers who only get out on such holidays whom we've just churned through. These rough nights are connected together by weeks in-between that are filled with possibly the slowest and least income-producing weeks of our lives (because people are broke from holiday spending and not eating out as much). Making matters worse, January is painfully dotted with people redeeming the gift certificates they received over the holidays.

All that, and our landlords knocking loudly, and our bills coming to us mailed in increasingly fluorescent colors, and using increasingly stern language.

As I was saying...

"Possibly the biggest sign of cheapness, unsophistication, and us receiving a poor tip from a guest would be the use of a coupon (or these days, a Groupon)..."

Add to that list, gift cards.

"The restaurants take a loss when promoting these deals in the hopes of bringing in new customers who otherwise might not ever come in, to try out our restaurant so that we can "wow you" into becoming a regular. A regular who will pay the regular price on future visits, that is. It works to a point and there's nothing wrong with taking advantage of a deal, but we've noticed that these promotions tend to bring in the pickiest, cheapest, stingiest, most demanding people as well, who won't ever be back unless they get another deal, or a gift card..."

My advice to you (if you like attentive service, that is) is that unless the deal specifically states "render coupon when ordering" that you DON'T disclose this to your server until it's time to pay. (Just make sure that it's not expired when you do so.) We've had way too many bad experiences with "coupon people" and gift-card redeemers that you don't want us to put you in that mental box from the very beginning, if you can at all avoid it.

So here's how to get around being treated as "coupon people" by a jaded server ...

First, let's identify the actual problem, so that you'll know where we're coming from and why there even is a problem to examine. The problem for us is that way too many people tip on the after-discount price of their meal, instead of on what they actually ordered. This really makes us want to break things.

I know that you may not know this (and so I'm all too glad to tell you) but we still get taxed and pay tip-out to our support staff on the WHOLE amount of your check, BEFORE your discount gets figured in. Appalling, I know. This often has the practical effect of eating up whatever tip you leave, if you tip based only on the discounted total we present to you. Much to your surprise I'm guessing, your "method of payment" - cash, credit card, gift certificate, or coupon deal - does not change how much food and beverage we rang up for you (nor the amount of work we did, for that matter). THIS dollar amount is still reflected in our "total sales" at the end of the shift, and again, is the dollar amount we tip out and are taxed on.

Using the formula I did earlier when getting stiffed, it goes like this : A $100 tab that's half food and half alcohol could result in about $5.50 in tip-out for me. Let's say that you redeem a $50 gift card or coupon, getting a bill of only $50, and then you tip 20%, or $10. At least you think you tipped me $10, but really I only received $4 after tip-out and what Uncle Sam keeps. If you tipped only 15% ($7.50) on the $50 check you received, guess what? I'm still paying the same in tip out and taxes, and you just tipped me $2 on $100 worth of food and beverage service.

And them's fightin' words, pahdner.

I think people more instinctively "get it" in cases where their bill comes to $105 and they are presenting a $100 gift card, for example. I'd like to believe that not one in a hundred people are calloused or stupid enough to honestly think that tipping 20% (or $1) on their $5 balance is appropriate. However, what I'd like to believe and what I've observed as reality over the years (and past several weeks) are miles apart. Some people really are like that, and in "January" it seems like we wait on them all several times each week.

I know full-well that you've probably never looked at things this way, and I'm not complaining. Much. I'm merely filling you in on how coupons and gift cards work from our perspective. Knowing this now, do you want to be waited on by a server who thinks from the very beginning that he or she could possibly lose money because you came in tonight and sat in their section? Perhaps now you see why our eyes roll back into our heads a bit, or our bodies tense up a bit, when you break out that $100 gift card, or your coupon deal. It is the extremely rare server indeed who sees these and thinks "Oh Boy! Here's my chance to impress first-time guests so much that they'll come back and spend real money with me one day in the distant future! I can't wait to tell my kids and my landlord about this!"

No, that guy's non-existent in fact. When we see these, what we're really thinking about are the ninety people before you who used these and tipped on the discounted total and left us $2 or less, practically speaking. And the nine people who were gone when we came back to collect, who'd put their coupon and some cash in the book and dashed out, only to realize that their deal had expired or was somehow invalid. And the one we had a confrontation with in the parking lot over this, because the restaurant illegally makes us pay for walk-outs and payment shortages.

THAT'S who you are to us when we see these.

You're the couple who thought they'd left me a "very generous" 40% tip this week. After their $100 gift certificate, their tab was $30. Up until the moment they broke out the gift certificate, I'm thinking (like we all do) that I'll maybe receive $26 or more on $130 worth of food, wine, and service with a smile. Thankfully, they were generous (from their perspective?) and left me $12. In my reality though, their 40% was less than 10% - minus taxes and tip-out. I did of course tell them my name again, and to please ask for me when they return.

After all, it's not like they redeemed $200 worth of gift certificates all at once and tipped $7.50 on the balance of $50 (15% to them, 3% to me, minus tip-out). No, that would be the "Joneses" who told me that this was the first time they'd been here in almost 20 years. Maybe I'll get lucky, and it'll be another 20 years before they return... Yup, that's jaded server talk for you! I did not repeat my name to these Joneses, nor invite them to ask for me ever again. Sorry if it disappoints you to know that about me

So finally, I'm just curious if maybe you're the guy who doesn't understand what "No Cash Value" means on a gift card? If that's you, it means you can't render a $100 gift card on your $82 meal and tell us to keep the change. All it means is that the restaurant profited an additional $18 from the transaction, and your server got stiffed if you left this card in the server book and ran out the door.

"No Cash Value" means that you're going to have to plan ahead on spending $15 or $20 in real cash if you mean to leave a tip, and then come see me again to redeem the remaining $18 in food and beverage. It's not rocket science.

I'd go on, but that could get whiney. Whining's not the point. The point is telling you how not to be seen as "that guy" from the outset by your server, and to help you get better service.

My totally sage advice is that at the very second you present your deal, in order to prevent us from wincing and checking out mentally on you, you must say to your server "Hey (name), can you print me out a copy of our bill before the discount gets applied, so that we know how much we're actually tipping on?"

Just like I advised the foreigners earlier, you do that, and you'll see a server who will bend over backwards and maybe do cartwheels through the dining room, ignoring all the other coupon people in their section to make sure you get the most preferential treatment they're capable of.

Like the "Smiths!" They too redeemed $200 in gift cards last week. I pick up the little black server book after they're gone, and - braced for the worst after so many weeks of this - I see that they've tipped me $20 on $220 total. I walk through the dining room keeping my composure and not breaking anything valuable because I'm a professional, only to discover once again what happens when I don't wear my glasses.

At the computer now, first I'm squinting, then my eyes open wide. Wait, that two is actually a seven. Awwwwww! The Smiths KNOW how to use a gift card properly! At least they use it like a server would.

The Smiths left me $70, sharing the gift they'd received with the server who waited on them. THAT my friends, is how to properly redeem a gift card or coupon!

Don't say I never gave you a happy ending.

More Tips for Getting Good Service

You can be assigned "a good waiter" but if he or she senses that you're "a bad diner" then your service may still be somewhat lacking. But even a bad waiter can step up and deliver incredible service from time-to-time, if you just know which of our buttons to push, and which not to push. Part 1 of my Tips for Getting Good Service had more to do with helping you understand a few key things from our side of the table, and you should totally read it before reading this page, which is actually Part 2.

Aside from cues of sophistication (as I explained last time, and the time before that) which can help you get better service when dining in a restaurant, we're just as likely to pick up on cues of unsophistication from you of course, and one of the biggest red flags for us would be obvious indicators of "cheapness" on your part...

Like I said, we're judging you from the very beginning.

Things that convey "tightwad" to us sometimes include ordering "Water with Lemon" or the sharing of entree plates. I'm personally probably a lot more understanding and less judgmental about these decisions than many, many servers are. Just because you choose not to blow a ton of money routinely on frivolous charges does not automatically mean to me that you're going to tip poorly mind you.

However, it does tell me (and other servers) that your total check is going to be less than a table who orders alcohol, $3 soft drinks, big appetizers and full entrees. Ordering frugally, even when tipping 20%, obviously results in a smaller net tip for us overall. Seeing this coming admittedly does prove a little de-motivating for us in general, plus at this point we've no idea of how well you do or don't tip; we just know that our odds of us retiring after you leave have dwindled based on the size of your total check.

I'm certainly not saying never to do these things (you're entirely within your rights to do so and it's my job to bring them to you) but the simple fact is that we earn our living off of other people's excess, and so early signs of frugality can be a little discouraging to us. Unfortunately for you, some servers really will "check out" on you over things like this and perhaps become less attentive, and I'm sorry, and I agree that such is wrong.

However, you can earn a lot of positive points no matter what you're ordering with this ONE little trick : use our names. Most likely, I told you my name, and if you use it, it's a sure sign that you were paying attention to me and actually DO view me as a human being after all. It also suggests that you're experienced enough at dining out to be comfortable and casual in the experience, and more likely a sophisticated diner. I'd recommend using your server's name once early on, then maybe once again. (Three, four, five times gets a little creepy however.) A simple "Thank you Guy" when I deliver your drink or "Hey Guy, we have a question...." goes a long way.

Here's another secret. If we didn't tell you our name, or even if we did, you should ask it, or verify it early on. Why? Acknowledging our humanity aside, many restaurants (corporations especially) use "mystery shoppers" - people who eat for free or perhaps even get paid just for filling out a very detailed report on their experience at the restaurant. The server's personality, proficiency, timeliness and all sort of things are being graded and reported back to the corporation in these instances, and can affect our standing with our bosses very much sometimes. If for some reason we think you're a "shopper" then we're likely to be extra attentive and on the ball. Try it sometime, just don't try it and then tip poorly okay? Servers everywhere will hate me if I give you this information, and then you "fake us out" without tipping 20%, so don't get me in trouble or I will find you.


Possibly the biggest sign of cheapness, unsophistication, and us receiving a poor tip from a guest would be the use of a coupon (or these days, a Groupon)...

The restaurants take a loss when promoting these deals in the hopes of bringing in new customers who otherwise might not ever come in, to try out our restaurant so that we can "wow you" into becoming a regular. A regular who will pay the regular price on future visits, that is. It works to a point and there's nothing wrong with taking advantage of a deal, but we've noticed that these promotions tend to bring in the pickiest, cheapest, stingiest, most demanding people as well, who won't ever be back unless they get another deal, or a gift card...


So sorry it's taken me over two months to crank this little entry out. I've had it drafted for ages but didn't know how to wrap it up. Now I do, so stay tuned for "Coupon People." Meanwhile, maybe you should Google "waiters hate Groupon" just for fun.

You Don't Have to be Rich to Rule My World

Not that YOU'LL ever own one of these heavy chunks of metal,
but Spock is not impressed even if you do.

In relation to my last post about sort of basing my actions on cues from my customers - I thought I could share a few minor tips with you that may help you to receive slightly better service when you eat at a sit-down restaurant. Perhaps much better service even.

This one's particularly long, and not particularly funny by the way...

I know that when you dine out, some of you perhaps put more than a little time and thought into judging your server than others. Some people hardly acknowledge our existence, while for others of you, talking about your server actually constitutes a significant part of your conversation for the evening.

I think it will serve you well to know that quite often, we're judging you as well. And in most cases, talking about you too.

You're judging us by certain criteria, as we are you. You're adding and knocking off points ... and guess what? We're doing the same.

Being wealthy or well-dressed are not among the factors that most readily come into play for us when sizing you up, by the way. Most servers can attest that many rich people are also among the stingiest ("... they obviously intend to stay rich by not giving me their money" we often sarcastically say, after bitterly wincing at a 15% tip from a holder of a legendary Black American Express Card for example). Racial stereo-types, while admittedly rampant amongst some servers, fail us as well, and a server with much experience at all will have learned their lesson and moved past such thinking (I'll tell you my story on that soon).

Auto-grats on larger parties aside, waiting tables is a crap-shoot, as we really have no idea or set formulas for knowing whether putting "extra effort" into offering great service to you will pay off or not. Some of us may think we do when we're young at this, but over time we realize there are very, very few reliable indicators to go by on exactly "who" will be a great tipper or who will be a crappy one.

Many of us will say that we have learned "to give the exact same level of good service that we can to everybody, and treat everybody the same, because you never know, and just can't judge..." and I'd count myself among the number of servers who operate from that general philosophy.

Yet my last entry brought to my mind that that's not exactly true, no matter how convincingly I lie to myself about it, or wish it were true. I do in fact base at least some of my actions on some overall generalities I've picked up on about guests' behavior that I've observed in nearly twenty-five years of waiting tables and bartending. And Surprise, Surpise... to me it's safe to say that YOU as a customer have much more control over how much attention any particular server is going to pay to you, and how we're going to prioritize you over other guests in the restaurant (if a choice is called for on our part, that is) - than I think you will ever realize.

And here (BIG SECRET!!!!) is exactly what we're looking for : Have you ever even eaten out in a restaurant before, or is this really your first time getting out of the house? Are you a "very experienced diner" who eats out regularly, and therefore most likely knows the culture and norms of the restaurant experience -OR- or are you the type who maybe only gets out on your birthday, Mothers' Day, Valentine's or maybe New Years' Eve? ...The shifts we routinely refer to as "Amatuer Night."

If you do happen to fall into the latter category (and I'm not judging you for this) I'm here to tell you how to be treated as if you don't, because most even semi-experienced servers are going to react and treat you according to this scale, and we all eventually become quite proficient at picking up on even the subtlest of cues from you that answer this question for us.

As a public service I'm just telling you that quite often your behavior - from before you even sit down sometimes - plays as much into the quality of service you're going to receive, as does how "good" your server really is, or isn't.

So in case you haven't picked up on this from me yet, the amount of Politeness and Respect guests display towards us are quick indicators to us on where exactly you fall on this scale.

To wit, if I greet your table warmly and say "How are you doing tonight?" (which I never ask, but for the sake of argument) and you answer "Iced tea" you have already gotten off on a really bad foot with me, and with every server in America.

Answering a server's greeting with your drink order is neither polite nor respectful. Doing so goes a long way towards telling us that you don't exactly view us as human beings, and are probably not going to be inclined to treat us as one either. And by "human being" I mean someone who works hard for a living in a respectable profession, who deserves to be well paid if excellent service and phenomenal recommendations are rendered to you.

No, what you're telling me is that you're probably the type who takes for granted that people everywhere are supposed to cater to your every whim, and that the whole world must bow down to your greatness, owing you their subservience based solely upon... um, nothing. You don't VALUE people's humanity or their labors on your behalf, and you probably won't pay for such either, succinctly sums up what I just heard from you. So with just this one little rude and dismissive failed interaction on your part, you've begun a process of detatching your server from your table - emotionally for certain - and quite often physically as well, perhaps right when you want them around the most.

Don't get me wrong. I'm not looking to make a new best friend out of you or anybody I wait on. It's just that we're taught and instructed to greet you in a welcoming manner and to make eye contact. If dining out often and tipping well is part of who you are, then you know this. You expect it, and you'll play the game.

These initial moments are also crucial to us "reading the table" in our attempt to figure out exactly what you want from us today. If you want us to make ourselves scarce so that you can talk amongst yourselves without lots of interruption, we'll figure that out on our own usually, based upon how little you talk to us in an initiating or engaging way. And that's fine, we're glad to oblige. If you get out much, then I know I'll be rewarded financially by you for figuring that out and for respecting and meeting that need, rather than smothering you with my charm and personality and ability to make small talk with complete strangers. Nonetheless, for job security if nothing else, I may have to go through a "special" or two at the beginning of our interaction while also trying to sell you an appetizer. If you're anywhere near being a sophisticated diner, you'll know this too, and patiently let me do my thing.

How you respond and interact (or not) with our little spiel at the beginning of the meal - and during the routine process of delivering drinks and taking the rest of your order - often has a great impact on the type of service you're going to receive the rest of the meal. If you're polite, attentive, and even just somewhat respectful to your server, expect it to come back you. These are very positive indicators to us that you dine out frequently enough to understand the norms of the profession so well as to expect them as part of receiving what you know is good service. When we observe this, we're most likely going to act as if that level of understanding will be reflected in your understanding of tipping norms as well. In short, we will be optimistic enough about our chances of being tipped well to want to work even harder to earn it.

If you're rude, short and dismissive though, we'll feel unwelcome and unwanted at your table, and eventually make ourselves scarcer and scarcer to avoid the whole Pavlovian having our feelings hurt thing. The questions we might want to ask to help us know what will make this a truly great dining experience for you will go unasked, and our service levels will start to wane. Dramatically. Why would I want to bother asking a guy if he'd like fresh cracked pepper on his Caesar salad or New York Strip steak, if every time I approach the table he glares and makes me feel like I'm interrupting something?

Because it's my job.....? Seriously, don't make me laugh.

There's a world of difference between doing my job, and "interrupting" sir, and I do know where the line is. If you do also, I'll be able to tell, and I will be able to offer you a better dining experience than if you plainly show me you don't "get" where that line should be drawn. I don't even have to "ask you" about the pepper, per se, or talk every time I approach your table. I'm fine just walking up with the grinder in hand and offering it to you non-verbally, but to benefit from my offer a little eye contact and at least a nod from you would be required... y'know, unless acknowledging my existence is just somehow beyond you.

Or maybe you'd enjoy trying "a free taster" of some really superior craft beer that you didn't know we carry, but from what you ordered initially I think you'll really, really love... but if I'm being treated as an intrusion to your life maybe I'll just keep quiet instead. Then later, I'll just let you wander aimlessly around the building to find the bathroom yourself rather than being nearby and available each and every time you might possibly need me.

We waiters can be somewhat passive-aggressive like that.

Or maybe I'll view that moment as my chance to finally connect with you and offer you great service. Who knows?

Dude all I'm saying is that many of my co-workers and I are a wealth of information. Beyond being lowly hourly chumps who can't hold "a real job" (as some of you say), we are resources you could really benefit from tapping, if you'd just take a second to consider that many of us are indeed highly trained professionals with years of experience who happen know a lot more about a very few things than you ever will.

For instance, I happen to know that for just $5 more than the bottle you picked out, you could instead order the Cabernet that won the Double-Gold Medal award at the San Francisco International Wine Competition last year, and is therefore now completely sold out on the internet and extremely hard to find. BUT we've got three bottles left and one of them could be yours ... priceless information which I'm all too glad to share, if I think you respect my opinion enough to allow me ten seconds to tell you about it.

Of course you might wonder "How" could someone who makes $2.13 an hour know much of anything about so many different $100+ bottles of wine? If you're thinking that surely I can't afford enough of those myself to have tried them all, then you'd be absolutely correct. However, we do have wine classes and tastings from time-to-time. The liquor reps or restaurants invest a little time and a few bottles so that the staff will know their product and be able to sell it for them with enthusiasm and authority. Simple. That's not how I know so much about this one however. Last month a table left about three ounces of this yummy goodness behind (because "TouchDown" is a phenomenal salesman who got them to order more than they really needed or could responsibly enjoy) and so we tried it ourselves in the kitchen. Loving it, I spent close to half an hour Googling this particular wine on a slower night for reviews and descriptive information, just so I could convincingly recommend this particular slice of vino heaven to those few lucky future guests who might value my opinion. So, do you feel lucky punk?

Lest ye think I'm venting about someone in particular, I'm not. I'm channeling my - and thousands of other servers' - collective frustrations just to illustrate for you exactly how my experience can help you to get better service and preferential treatment for the rest of your life when you go out. You can thank me later.

Well maybe all of this hoity-toity wine talk on my part isn't your cup of tea however. Maybe you mostly dine modestly at the same places regularly on your lunch break, and you've already figured out what you like when you go there. So why should you look at your unskilled labor-pool server as anything other than an order-taker, who eventually will be replaced by an automated computer system anyways, right? Well, unlike computer touchscreens, we eat here too. A lot. And we experiment sometimes too, because eating the same thing has gotten old for us. Some eye contact, politeness and respect, and a willingness to acknowledge your server's humanity could be rewarded in unexpected ways.

For example, that college-girl single mom that waits on you all the time, eats the same sandwich that you order all the time. However, she's figured out that it's SO much better if you change this cheese for that cheese, add some of this sauce, and get the cook to pan saute the bread with garlic butter rather than simply toasting it. Have it her way for once, and viola! You've just received a masterpiece for lunch that left your co-workers drooling, just by being slightly more personable with your waitress than the last twenty times she waited on you. Turns out she has a brain and is good for something other than just tea refills after all.

At times we're admittedly going to be too busy to really let our true personalities and gifts shine through for you, but there are also plenty of times when you can get much more "service" out of a server just by being polite enough to want to find out what this particular human being can bring to your dining experience that a robot can't. The trick to learning just what that is lies in understanding that anybody who can earn a living in this profession is in part a "people-pleaser" by nature. Tips aside, there's just something in us that actually motivates us from the inside-out to want to do right by you. Of course we're here to make money, but we also like to go home feeling like we nailed it, and did a really good job today. Feeling like we stretched ourselves to do something unique for someone who appreciated it, plus having a neat story to tell to our significant others or our co-workers, actually gets us off in some strange way.

In my case, way back when I wasn't all hoity-toity, didn't take my job or life that seriously, and was just slugging my way through shift-to-shift existence at Ruby Tuesday, I was still "that one guy" who would make you a salad so that you didn't have to get up to go to the salad bar. The stipulation was "You are not allowed to tell me what you want on your salad. If there's anything you hate or are allergic to then tell me, but otherwise you're eating what I eat. If Guy is making you a salad, then you're getting a "Guy Salad" and you're going to love it."

Whatever it is, most servers do have something unique to bring to the table (pun intended) that can make your dining experience so much more memorable and enjoyable than the last ten times you ate out, so long as we pick up somehow from you that you're worthy of showering you with our best.

Now, we're just as likely to pick up on cues of unsophistication from you of course, and one of the biggest red flags for us would be obvious indicators of "cheapness" on your part...


Even more whining from me, and more tips on how to get better service coming up soon.


But first, this true story from around 1989, back when if you worked in a restaurant, you could get served alcohol in one, no matter how old you were :


We're off work and sitting around enjoying cocktails at the "other" Ruby Tuesday in town.

Kim joins us, downs a shot, and then says "I've got a bone to pick with you Guy Malone."

"What's that?" I ask quite insincerely.

"I had a table tonight, that wanted me to make them a salad (hiccup) thanks to you."

"So did you?"

"No!" she says "We have a Salad Bar" I told them.

"Well Guy makes us a salad" they said. So I said "Well maybe you should have asked for his section."

"And you know what they said to me? They said "WE DID. But his section was full. Yours is empty. Maybe that should tell you something!"

"Oh yeah" I reply, smirking. "I said Hi to them at the Salad Bar. They told me they were going to call ahead next time and make sure I was their waiter. They're great tippers. It would have been worth your time to make them salads."

"Well they stiffed me. I hate you Guy Malone." she says.

Well Kim probably went on to graduate college and is now doing fine in some profession of her own, and I'm still waiting tables more than twenty years later.

I guess it's hard to tell who got the last laugh, but I still think it's funny.

So whether I've wasted my life or am doing exactly what I'm best at and was born to do, I don't know.

Either way, I'm hoping you're benefiting from my experience.

When & Why I DO Tell People the Tip is Included

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While I didn't state such, previously, I was speaking to you largely from my mindset of 10 and 15 years ago.

This is partly because I began this most recent portion of the series with an example of my emotional reaction to a situation that happened while dining out with friends 15 years ago. I also know that I'm addressing experiences you yourself may have had in the past, as a diner who was not "told" (I mean verbally) that gratuity was included in your bill.

Additionally, I am well aware that I'm not telling you just my story anymore, but also the story of many other American waiters and waitresses. Not going out of our way to bring attention to an auto-grat is no doubt part of our collective history.

The times they a'changing however. My industry evolves over the years, as does what guests know and expect. I too have matured, and have been afforded years to try out many different angles while observing guests' reactions, and the net effect on my income that different approaches to various situations have. Of course there are no one-size-fits-all "magic bullets" to fire in given situations because all guests are different and the scenarios are always somewhat unique. Still, certain patterns become observable to us servers over time, and the more experience a waiter has, the more we tend to develop certain default actions and even "lines" to help assure professional behavior on our part, overall guest satisfaction (delight, even) on your part, and a steady, reliable income to us overall.

I might even say that the age of servers occasionally getting double-gratted has arguably come and gone. One does not have to be a sophisticated diner these days to know that auto-grats are quite common, and to be watching for them. In fact it's probably appropriate to say that many diners are somewhat on the defensive about this today - about the possibility of getting "taken" by what they feel could be a dishonest server - which I find completely understandable as well.

Heck, I know I am. That's part of why I always read the details of my check.

I also know that whether I'm waiting on 2 people or 20, one of the keys to me earning a great tip lies in distinguishing myself from the other 500 people who may have waited on you in your lifetime. There are many, many ways in which I try to do just this, as providing you with a unique and exceptional experience unlike any other time you've eaten out equals much more money in my bank account. At least it's supposed to anyways, but alas, you are the final arbiter of the bottom line, not I.

So in talking this over with many co-workers in recent years, and myself being in the position of laying down a large party's check routinely, I'm starting to default more and more to verbally disclosing to some guests when an auto-gratuity has been included. The trick for me lies partly in determining what type of guest you are, and whether or not doing so could be to my advantage, or not.

Read on to see if you qualify.

Last week I had the pleasure of waiting on a party of eleven in town from Chicago for an NFL game. The adults included (I'm guessing) two siblings in their late twenties or maybe early thirties, their spouses, five young children between them, and finally a more senior couple (i.e., the grandparents). The group had made a reservation (equalling "points" already - you'll see what I mean by that soon), and I of course knew I was going to receive an auto-grat because of size of the party.

Very early on, my fellow waiter "Gorgonzola" informs me that the eldest male (i.e., the grandfather) approached him on the way to the restroom, and asked my co-worker to convey to me that he was to receive the entire check. Moments later, at the table, the wise grandpa made eye contact with me and began to quietly ask me while I was at his end of the table "Hey, did ummm ...."

"Yes he did," I interrupted, nodding, and saying "You got it," thus ending the matter and assuring him that his instructions were understood and would be carried out, with neither he nor I bringing any more attention to the topic in front of everyone else. Obviously, if he had wanted to discuss the check in front of everyone else, he would not have approached Gorgonzola privately, so I did my best to settle the question for him discreetly as well, which I'm pretty sure he appreciated.

This by the way (going off-topic now) is hands-down one of the best ways to pick up a large check, if ever you are so inclined. Far too many waiters including myself are forced to undergo watching grown-up people fight and compete like complete imbeciles right in front of us when a check gets delivered at the end of a meal. As if you're honestly expecting the poor server to make the decision as to who pays, almost always ensuring we're making one person or another angry at us, while you continue to express transparently feigned bravado by taking it out on us as your friend/relative/associate pays the check, just as you really wanted.

So, if you're ever going to "insist" on picking up a check, I'd like to recommend that you either do exactly what this wise grandpa did and discreetly let your server (or another staffer) know your intent as early as possible, or just come out and say so out loud at the beginning of the meal. If a fight must break out over this issue, I'd rather you settle it as I'm walking away to get your drinks, rather than having to stand there at the end of your meal while you work it out.

But having found myself stuck in the middle of this exact situation too many times, my default rule for over 20 years has been "Whoever asks first gets the check." End of argument, and I won't involve myself any farther than that if you try to make me decide. There may be a little wiggle room for debate on a 2-top or other small table, where I might think twice and try to guess who seems more likely to tip well, but when there's an auto-grat involved, no way. I don't have time for ego-stroking or pissing contests amongst grown men. Having such a policy and sticking to it seems to be the only way I can remain professional and neutral in the debate, and not waste a lot of valuable time standing around at tables hearing all sides, or playing moderator to decide who has the better argument ("But they're our guests..." "No, they paid last time..." "Well it's a business expense, I can write it off...") Actually, if you're visiting guests or it's your birthday, I might let the other guys pick up your check, but generally speaking, if you want the check, you'd better be the first to speak up is all I'm saying. If you do so, and then someone else tries to later pick up the check, I'm going to get myself off the hook quick-like by saying simply "Actually, the check already been taken care of."

Like the young woman earlier this week at the bridal party of ten, who approached me privately (also while she'd allegedly excused herself to go to the restroom) and gave me her debit card to hold, to pay the entire bill with. Near the end of the meal, I slipped it to her under the table - literally - and the matter was over and done with, without me ever revealing her identity to the group, which was exactly what she intended. They all objected at first, wanting to pay separately, then of course tried very hard to badger out of me who had paid, but I wouldn't budge, saying only "It's already been taken care of, by an anonymous benefactor." Since the check was auto-gratted, I didn't even try to have her to sign it (just told the manager the situation), yet I was delightfully surprised at how she later made a separate sneak trip to the hostess stand to do so, adding an additional $30 for me.

That kids, is HOW you pick up a check - by being discreet and classy, opposed to obnoxious and showy, or putting us hourly chumps in the position of making such decisions for you. If you are the person making the reservation, you could settle it right then if you desire, and odds are your instructions will be carried out.

Otherwise, speak up first or hand your card to a staffer early on, if you are genuinely insisting on picking up the check for the entire group. But please keep us out of it otherwise.

Hmmm, again I digress... I was talking about reasons I would disclose the auto-grat. Sorry for the mini-lecture.

Anyways, back to the 11-top family. The very fact that grandpa took the time to find a staffer - early on - told me right off that this wasn't his first rodeo, as the old saying goes. He's dined out enough in his life to know how to pick up a check correctly (the points continue to build ...)

Also quite relevant to this story, one of the sons (or sons-in-law, I'm not sure) ordered a $110 bottle of Pinot Noir right off the bat, while we were discussing appetizers. The table did obviously default to him as their group's wine expert, so I didn't initially think much of this at first. Given all that we offer, he made a quite excellent choice of wines in fact.

Later however (well after I'd assured grandpa that he would get the check) Sonny-Boy asks me for another bottle of the same wine. At that point I have to glance over at grandpa, who doesn't wince, bat an eye, or suffer a heart attack at the seeming extravagance of the bill he was going to be picking up. This told me a great deal, as well as the fact that grandpa let - encouraged me actually - to keep pouring him a very large glass of this yummy good stuff (possibly setting the stage for a third $110 bottle to be needed).

Lest I forget, the behavior of the children (all under age ten, I'd wager) told me perhaps more about this table (OOPS - I mean this "group" of people ;) than all of the adults combined. They said "please" and "thank you." They remained seated, and were not loud, nor messy. The parents were respectful of my time by expediting the ordering process and ordering for their children, but when necessary, the children spoke to me, and quite clearly. When they wanted something, they asked me politely, and they waited patiently. One little girl really didn't like the meal we served her, and she told me so, herself, and she graciously accepted the alternative I offered her, then waited several minutes for it to arrive without making any fuss at all.

One little boy wanted more salt and pepper on his noodles, and there was just something in the way he said it that made me willing to move heaven and earth to bring it to him. Whenever I asked the children, individually, at different times throughout the meal, if they were done with their plates, they answered me kindly, one way or another. I'd be hard-pressed to say whether I've ever been more amazed by or enjoyed serving any group of children in my entire career in fact. I'm kind of tearing up now, even just thinking about them...

Back to the point of this posting, the grandfather exhibited generosity to his family, a polite and respectful demeanor towards myself and our entire staff, and apparently he was not at all concerned about the expense of the outing. In short, he was not just the typical a foodie whom we generally love to wait on, but the ideal customer whom we all dream of serving. He more than fit the exact profile of those whom I've observed might be inclined to tip much better than 20%, if he felt that my service was indeed excellent.

Of course I auto-gratted anyways. Even though my service was excellent in this case, I don't take such risks anymore, having learned the hard way. I'll always claim my "minimum gratuity" when I know that I've earned it, and keep working even harder to get some extra Awesome Sauce smothered on top.

Presenting the check went off without a hitch, and without any argument from his family (back 100% on-topic now, this was an important cue to me, that apparently they were expecting, or accustomed, to this from him). So at the end when I'm returning his card and vouchers to sign, right when he's making eye contact to receive it from me, I speak the words "Our service charge is itemized on the bill, for your review" and thank him by name, and the entire group once again for choosing our restaurant and invite them to please return and ask for me by name if they get the opportunity.

After all I just said earlier .. "Why would I do that? you might ask.

It was a simple matter of taking note of all of the observable cues I'd witnessed about the fact that he and his entire group were very experienced restaurant diners. I knew good and well that he knew good and well that gratuity was going to be included on a table of that size, because apparently he's eaten out more than once or twice since the 1950's. He knows about auto-grats, and if anything I'm guessing is true, he's eaten at even nicer places than mine and doesn't worry about the expense.

So dealing with such a sophisticated diner, I took one last opportunity to distinguish myself from the 500 other waiters he's had before me, and did the exact opposite of what he's observed over the years - waiters hoping he wouldn't notice the auto-grat and taking him for a fool, trying to get double-bumped.

Gorgonzola and I discussed our mutual strategy that very evening. In situations like this, we both know that we stand to gain a lot more - both in respect from our guests and in financial reward - by verbally disclosing auto-grats to more sophisticated diners. We're both betting that the guest will view us as "stand up fellows" for doing so, and that their respect for us will transfer to the bottom line of the voucher.

In this case it did. The bill was over $700, the auto-grat was $132, and the gentleman wrote in an additional $35 (totalling over $900, and equalling roughly a 25% tip). Maybe he would have tipped extra anyways, but in this case, my verbal disclosure of the auto-grat was just one more little way of icing the cake, showing him that I'm the kind of guy that someone like him can truly appreciate being served by, and he's the kind of guy who showed it.

Exactly as I was betting on.

It's not that you have to be in the routine of picking up $900 tabs to be treated well by average waiters or waitresses, by the way. No, not at all. Sometimes rich people are among our least favorite customers to wait on in fact, and can be among the worst tippers as well. When you go out to eat...

Nah, this has been long enough already. More about how we judge you and some tips on how to be treated well by wait-staff regardless of how much you're spending or tipping, next time.