You Don't Have to be Rich to Rule My World

Not that YOU'LL ever own one of these heavy chunks of metal,
but Spock is not impressed even if you do.

In relation to my last post about sort of basing my actions on cues from my customers - I thought I could share a few minor tips with you that may help you to receive slightly better service when you eat at a sit-down restaurant. Perhaps much better service even.

This one's particularly long, and not particularly funny by the way...

I know that when you dine out, some of you perhaps put more than a little time and thought into judging your server than others. Some people hardly acknowledge our existence, while for others of you, talking about your server actually constitutes a significant part of your conversation for the evening.

I think it will serve you well to know that quite often, we're judging you as well. And in most cases, talking about you too.

You're judging us by certain criteria, as we are you. You're adding and knocking off points ... and guess what? We're doing the same.

Being wealthy or well-dressed are not among the factors that most readily come into play for us when sizing you up, by the way. Most servers can attest that many rich people are also among the stingiest ("... they obviously intend to stay rich by not giving me their money" we often sarcastically say, after bitterly wincing at a 15% tip from a holder of a legendary Black American Express Card for example). Racial stereo-types, while admittedly rampant amongst some servers, fail us as well, and a server with much experience at all will have learned their lesson and moved past such thinking (I'll tell you my story on that soon).

Auto-grats on larger parties aside, waiting tables is a crap-shoot, as we really have no idea or set formulas for knowing whether putting "extra effort" into offering great service to you will pay off or not. Some of us may think we do when we're young at this, but over time we realize there are very, very few reliable indicators to go by on exactly "who" will be a great tipper or who will be a crappy one.

Many of us will say that we have learned "to give the exact same level of good service that we can to everybody, and treat everybody the same, because you never know, and just can't judge..." and I'd count myself among the number of servers who operate from that general philosophy.

Yet my last entry brought to my mind that that's not exactly true, no matter how convincingly I lie to myself about it, or wish it were true. I do in fact base at least some of my actions on some overall generalities I've picked up on about guests' behavior that I've observed in nearly twenty-five years of waiting tables and bartending. And Surprise, Surpise... to me it's safe to say that YOU as a customer have much more control over how much attention any particular server is going to pay to you, and how we're going to prioritize you over other guests in the restaurant (if a choice is called for on our part, that is) - than I think you will ever realize.

And here (BIG SECRET!!!!) is exactly what we're looking for : Have you ever even eaten out in a restaurant before, or is this really your first time getting out of the house? Are you a "very experienced diner" who eats out regularly, and therefore most likely knows the culture and norms of the restaurant experience -OR- or are you the type who maybe only gets out on your birthday, Mothers' Day, Valentine's or maybe New Years' Eve? ...The shifts we routinely refer to as "Amatuer Night."

If you do happen to fall into the latter category (and I'm not judging you for this) I'm here to tell you how to be treated as if you don't, because most even semi-experienced servers are going to react and treat you according to this scale, and we all eventually become quite proficient at picking up on even the subtlest of cues from you that answer this question for us.

As a public service I'm just telling you that quite often your behavior - from before you even sit down sometimes - plays as much into the quality of service you're going to receive, as does how "good" your server really is, or isn't.

So in case you haven't picked up on this from me yet, the amount of Politeness and Respect guests display towards us are quick indicators to us on where exactly you fall on this scale.

To wit, if I greet your table warmly and say "How are you doing tonight?" (which I never ask, but for the sake of argument) and you answer "Iced tea" you have already gotten off on a really bad foot with me, and with every server in America.

Answering a server's greeting with your drink order is neither polite nor respectful. Doing so goes a long way towards telling us that you don't exactly view us as human beings, and are probably not going to be inclined to treat us as one either. And by "human being" I mean someone who works hard for a living in a respectable profession, who deserves to be well paid if excellent service and phenomenal recommendations are rendered to you.

No, what you're telling me is that you're probably the type who takes for granted that people everywhere are supposed to cater to your every whim, and that the whole world must bow down to your greatness, owing you their subservience based solely upon... um, nothing. You don't VALUE people's humanity or their labors on your behalf, and you probably won't pay for such either, succinctly sums up what I just heard from you. So with just this one little rude and dismissive failed interaction on your part, you've begun a process of detatching your server from your table - emotionally for certain - and quite often physically as well, perhaps right when you want them around the most.

Don't get me wrong. I'm not looking to make a new best friend out of you or anybody I wait on. It's just that we're taught and instructed to greet you in a welcoming manner and to make eye contact. If dining out often and tipping well is part of who you are, then you know this. You expect it, and you'll play the game.

These initial moments are also crucial to us "reading the table" in our attempt to figure out exactly what you want from us today. If you want us to make ourselves scarce so that you can talk amongst yourselves without lots of interruption, we'll figure that out on our own usually, based upon how little you talk to us in an initiating or engaging way. And that's fine, we're glad to oblige. If you get out much, then I know I'll be rewarded financially by you for figuring that out and for respecting and meeting that need, rather than smothering you with my charm and personality and ability to make small talk with complete strangers. Nonetheless, for job security if nothing else, I may have to go through a "special" or two at the beginning of our interaction while also trying to sell you an appetizer. If you're anywhere near being a sophisticated diner, you'll know this too, and patiently let me do my thing.

How you respond and interact (or not) with our little spiel at the beginning of the meal - and during the routine process of delivering drinks and taking the rest of your order - often has a great impact on the type of service you're going to receive the rest of the meal. If you're polite, attentive, and even just somewhat respectful to your server, expect it to come back you. These are very positive indicators to us that you dine out frequently enough to understand the norms of the profession so well as to expect them as part of receiving what you know is good service. When we observe this, we're most likely going to act as if that level of understanding will be reflected in your understanding of tipping norms as well. In short, we will be optimistic enough about our chances of being tipped well to want to work even harder to earn it.

If you're rude, short and dismissive though, we'll feel unwelcome and unwanted at your table, and eventually make ourselves scarcer and scarcer to avoid the whole Pavlovian having our feelings hurt thing. The questions we might want to ask to help us know what will make this a truly great dining experience for you will go unasked, and our service levels will start to wane. Dramatically. Why would I want to bother asking a guy if he'd like fresh cracked pepper on his Caesar salad or New York Strip steak, if every time I approach the table he glares and makes me feel like I'm interrupting something?

Because it's my job.....? Seriously, don't make me laugh.

There's a world of difference between doing my job, and "interrupting" sir, and I do know where the line is. If you do also, I'll be able to tell, and I will be able to offer you a better dining experience than if you plainly show me you don't "get" where that line should be drawn. I don't even have to "ask you" about the pepper, per se, or talk every time I approach your table. I'm fine just walking up with the grinder in hand and offering it to you non-verbally, but to benefit from my offer a little eye contact and at least a nod from you would be required... y'know, unless acknowledging my existence is just somehow beyond you.

Or maybe you'd enjoy trying "a free taster" of some really superior craft beer that you didn't know we carry, but from what you ordered initially I think you'll really, really love... but if I'm being treated as an intrusion to your life maybe I'll just keep quiet instead. Then later, I'll just let you wander aimlessly around the building to find the bathroom yourself rather than being nearby and available each and every time you might possibly need me.

We waiters can be somewhat passive-aggressive like that.

Or maybe I'll view that moment as my chance to finally connect with you and offer you great service. Who knows?

Dude all I'm saying is that many of my co-workers and I are a wealth of information. Beyond being lowly hourly chumps who can't hold "a real job" (as some of you say), we are resources you could really benefit from tapping, if you'd just take a second to consider that many of us are indeed highly trained professionals with years of experience who happen know a lot more about a very few things than you ever will.

For instance, I happen to know that for just $5 more than the bottle you picked out, you could instead order the Cabernet that won the Double-Gold Medal award at the San Francisco International Wine Competition last year, and is therefore now completely sold out on the internet and extremely hard to find. BUT we've got three bottles left and one of them could be yours ... priceless information which I'm all too glad to share, if I think you respect my opinion enough to allow me ten seconds to tell you about it.

Of course you might wonder "How" could someone who makes $2.13 an hour know much of anything about so many different $100+ bottles of wine? If you're thinking that surely I can't afford enough of those myself to have tried them all, then you'd be absolutely correct. However, we do have wine classes and tastings from time-to-time. The liquor reps or restaurants invest a little time and a few bottles so that the staff will know their product and be able to sell it for them with enthusiasm and authority. Simple. That's not how I know so much about this one however. Last month a table left about three ounces of this yummy goodness behind (because "TouchDown" is a phenomenal salesman who got them to order more than they really needed or could responsibly enjoy) and so we tried it ourselves in the kitchen. Loving it, I spent close to half an hour Googling this particular wine on a slower night for reviews and descriptive information, just so I could convincingly recommend this particular slice of vino heaven to those few lucky future guests who might value my opinion. So, do you feel lucky punk?

Lest ye think I'm venting about someone in particular, I'm not. I'm channeling my - and thousands of other servers' - collective frustrations just to illustrate for you exactly how my experience can help you to get better service and preferential treatment for the rest of your life when you go out. You can thank me later.

Well maybe all of this hoity-toity wine talk on my part isn't your cup of tea however. Maybe you mostly dine modestly at the same places regularly on your lunch break, and you've already figured out what you like when you go there. So why should you look at your unskilled labor-pool server as anything other than an order-taker, who eventually will be replaced by an automated computer system anyways, right? Well, unlike computer touchscreens, we eat here too. A lot. And we experiment sometimes too, because eating the same thing has gotten old for us. Some eye contact, politeness and respect, and a willingness to acknowledge your server's humanity could be rewarded in unexpected ways.

For example, that college-girl single mom that waits on you all the time, eats the same sandwich that you order all the time. However, she's figured out that it's SO much better if you change this cheese for that cheese, add some of this sauce, and get the cook to pan saute the bread with garlic butter rather than simply toasting it. Have it her way for once, and viola! You've just received a masterpiece for lunch that left your co-workers drooling, just by being slightly more personable with your waitress than the last twenty times she waited on you. Turns out she has a brain and is good for something other than just tea refills after all.

At times we're admittedly going to be too busy to really let our true personalities and gifts shine through for you, but there are also plenty of times when you can get much more "service" out of a server just by being polite enough to want to find out what this particular human being can bring to your dining experience that a robot can't. The trick to learning just what that is lies in understanding that anybody who can earn a living in this profession is in part a "people-pleaser" by nature. Tips aside, there's just something in us that actually motivates us from the inside-out to want to do right by you. Of course we're here to make money, but we also like to go home feeling like we nailed it, and did a really good job today. Feeling like we stretched ourselves to do something unique for someone who appreciated it, plus having a neat story to tell to our significant others or our co-workers, actually gets us off in some strange way.

In my case, way back when I wasn't all hoity-toity, didn't take my job or life that seriously, and was just slugging my way through shift-to-shift existence at Ruby Tuesday, I was still "that one guy" who would make you a salad so that you didn't have to get up to go to the salad bar. The stipulation was "You are not allowed to tell me what you want on your salad. If there's anything you hate or are allergic to then tell me, but otherwise you're eating what I eat. If Guy is making you a salad, then you're getting a "Guy Salad" and you're going to love it."

Whatever it is, most servers do have something unique to bring to the table (pun intended) that can make your dining experience so much more memorable and enjoyable than the last ten times you ate out, so long as we pick up somehow from you that you're worthy of showering you with our best.

Now, we're just as likely to pick up on cues of unsophistication from you of course, and one of the biggest red flags for us would be obvious indicators of "cheapness" on your part...


Even more whining from me, and more tips on how to get better service coming up soon.


But first, this true story from around 1989, back when if you worked in a restaurant, you could get served alcohol in one, no matter how old you were :


We're off work and sitting around enjoying cocktails at the "other" Ruby Tuesday in town.

Kim joins us, downs a shot, and then says "I've got a bone to pick with you Guy Malone."

"What's that?" I ask quite insincerely.

"I had a table tonight, that wanted me to make them a salad (hiccup) thanks to you."

"So did you?"

"No!" she says "We have a Salad Bar" I told them.

"Well Guy makes us a salad" they said. So I said "Well maybe you should have asked for his section."

"And you know what they said to me? They said "WE DID. But his section was full. Yours is empty. Maybe that should tell you something!"

"Oh yeah" I reply, smirking. "I said Hi to them at the Salad Bar. They told me they were going to call ahead next time and make sure I was their waiter. They're great tippers. It would have been worth your time to make them salads."

"Well they stiffed me. I hate you Guy Malone." she says.

Well Kim probably went on to graduate college and is now doing fine in some profession of her own, and I'm still waiting tables more than twenty years later.

I guess it's hard to tell who got the last laugh, but I still think it's funny.

So whether I've wasted my life or am doing exactly what I'm best at and was born to do, I don't know.

Either way, I'm hoping you're benefiting from my experience.

When & Why I DO Tell People the Tip is Included

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While I didn't state such, previously, I was speaking to you largely from my mindset of 10 and 15 years ago.

This is partly because I began this most recent portion of the series with an example of my emotional reaction to a situation that happened while dining out with friends 15 years ago. I also know that I'm addressing experiences you yourself may have had in the past, as a diner who was not "told" (I mean verbally) that gratuity was included in your bill.

Additionally, I am well aware that I'm not telling you just my story anymore, but also the story of many other American waiters and waitresses. Not going out of our way to bring attention to an auto-grat is no doubt part of our collective history.

The times they a'changing however. My industry evolves over the years, as does what guests know and expect. I too have matured, and have been afforded years to try out many different angles while observing guests' reactions, and the net effect on my income that different approaches to various situations have. Of course there are no one-size-fits-all "magic bullets" to fire in given situations because all guests are different and the scenarios are always somewhat unique. Still, certain patterns become observable to us servers over time, and the more experience a waiter has, the more we tend to develop certain default actions and even "lines" to help assure professional behavior on our part, overall guest satisfaction (delight, even) on your part, and a steady, reliable income to us overall.

I might even say that the age of servers occasionally getting double-gratted has arguably come and gone. One does not have to be a sophisticated diner these days to know that auto-grats are quite common, and to be watching for them. In fact it's probably appropriate to say that many diners are somewhat on the defensive about this today - about the possibility of getting "taken" by what they feel could be a dishonest server - which I find completely understandable as well.

Heck, I know I am. That's part of why I always read the details of my check.

I also know that whether I'm waiting on 2 people or 20, one of the keys to me earning a great tip lies in distinguishing myself from the other 500 people who may have waited on you in your lifetime. There are many, many ways in which I try to do just this, as providing you with a unique and exceptional experience unlike any other time you've eaten out equals much more money in my bank account. At least it's supposed to anyways, but alas, you are the final arbiter of the bottom line, not I.

So in talking this over with many co-workers in recent years, and myself being in the position of laying down a large party's check routinely, I'm starting to default more and more to verbally disclosing to some guests when an auto-gratuity has been included. The trick for me lies partly in determining what type of guest you are, and whether or not doing so could be to my advantage, or not.

Read on to see if you qualify.

Last week I had the pleasure of waiting on a party of eleven in town from Chicago for an NFL game. The adults included (I'm guessing) two siblings in their late twenties or maybe early thirties, their spouses, five young children between them, and finally a more senior couple (i.e., the grandparents). The group had made a reservation (equalling "points" already - you'll see what I mean by that soon), and I of course knew I was going to receive an auto-grat because of size of the party.

Very early on, my fellow waiter "Gorgonzola" informs me that the eldest male (i.e., the grandfather) approached him on the way to the restroom, and asked my co-worker to convey to me that he was to receive the entire check. Moments later, at the table, the wise grandpa made eye contact with me and began to quietly ask me while I was at his end of the table "Hey, did ummm ...."

"Yes he did," I interrupted, nodding, and saying "You got it," thus ending the matter and assuring him that his instructions were understood and would be carried out, with neither he nor I bringing any more attention to the topic in front of everyone else. Obviously, if he had wanted to discuss the check in front of everyone else, he would not have approached Gorgonzola privately, so I did my best to settle the question for him discreetly as well, which I'm pretty sure he appreciated.

This by the way (going off-topic now) is hands-down one of the best ways to pick up a large check, if ever you are so inclined. Far too many waiters including myself are forced to undergo watching grown-up people fight and compete like complete imbeciles right in front of us when a check gets delivered at the end of a meal. As if you're honestly expecting the poor server to make the decision as to who pays, almost always ensuring we're making one person or another angry at us, while you continue to express transparently feigned bravado by taking it out on us as your friend/relative/associate pays the check, just as you really wanted.

So, if you're ever going to "insist" on picking up a check, I'd like to recommend that you either do exactly what this wise grandpa did and discreetly let your server (or another staffer) know your intent as early as possible, or just come out and say so out loud at the beginning of the meal. If a fight must break out over this issue, I'd rather you settle it as I'm walking away to get your drinks, rather than having to stand there at the end of your meal while you work it out.

But having found myself stuck in the middle of this exact situation too many times, my default rule for over 20 years has been "Whoever asks first gets the check." End of argument, and I won't involve myself any farther than that if you try to make me decide. There may be a little wiggle room for debate on a 2-top or other small table, where I might think twice and try to guess who seems more likely to tip well, but when there's an auto-grat involved, no way. I don't have time for ego-stroking or pissing contests amongst grown men. Having such a policy and sticking to it seems to be the only way I can remain professional and neutral in the debate, and not waste a lot of valuable time standing around at tables hearing all sides, or playing moderator to decide who has the better argument ("But they're our guests..." "No, they paid last time..." "Well it's a business expense, I can write it off...") Actually, if you're visiting guests or it's your birthday, I might let the other guys pick up your check, but generally speaking, if you want the check, you'd better be the first to speak up is all I'm saying. If you do so, and then someone else tries to later pick up the check, I'm going to get myself off the hook quick-like by saying simply "Actually, the check already been taken care of."

Like the young woman earlier this week at the bridal party of ten, who approached me privately (also while she'd allegedly excused herself to go to the restroom) and gave me her debit card to hold, to pay the entire bill with. Near the end of the meal, I slipped it to her under the table - literally - and the matter was over and done with, without me ever revealing her identity to the group, which was exactly what she intended. They all objected at first, wanting to pay separately, then of course tried very hard to badger out of me who had paid, but I wouldn't budge, saying only "It's already been taken care of, by an anonymous benefactor." Since the check was auto-gratted, I didn't even try to have her to sign it (just told the manager the situation), yet I was delightfully surprised at how she later made a separate sneak trip to the hostess stand to do so, adding an additional $30 for me.

That kids, is HOW you pick up a check - by being discreet and classy, opposed to obnoxious and showy, or putting us hourly chumps in the position of making such decisions for you. If you are the person making the reservation, you could settle it right then if you desire, and odds are your instructions will be carried out.

Otherwise, speak up first or hand your card to a staffer early on, if you are genuinely insisting on picking up the check for the entire group. But please keep us out of it otherwise.

Hmmm, again I digress... I was talking about reasons I would disclose the auto-grat. Sorry for the mini-lecture.

Anyways, back to the 11-top family. The very fact that grandpa took the time to find a staffer - early on - told me right off that this wasn't his first rodeo, as the old saying goes. He's dined out enough in his life to know how to pick up a check correctly (the points continue to build ...)

Also quite relevant to this story, one of the sons (or sons-in-law, I'm not sure) ordered a $110 bottle of Pinot Noir right off the bat, while we were discussing appetizers. The table did obviously default to him as their group's wine expert, so I didn't initially think much of this at first. Given all that we offer, he made a quite excellent choice of wines in fact.

Later however (well after I'd assured grandpa that he would get the check) Sonny-Boy asks me for another bottle of the same wine. At that point I have to glance over at grandpa, who doesn't wince, bat an eye, or suffer a heart attack at the seeming extravagance of the bill he was going to be picking up. This told me a great deal, as well as the fact that grandpa let - encouraged me actually - to keep pouring him a very large glass of this yummy good stuff (possibly setting the stage for a third $110 bottle to be needed).

Lest I forget, the behavior of the children (all under age ten, I'd wager) told me perhaps more about this table (OOPS - I mean this "group" of people ;) than all of the adults combined. They said "please" and "thank you." They remained seated, and were not loud, nor messy. The parents were respectful of my time by expediting the ordering process and ordering for their children, but when necessary, the children spoke to me, and quite clearly. When they wanted something, they asked me politely, and they waited patiently. One little girl really didn't like the meal we served her, and she told me so, herself, and she graciously accepted the alternative I offered her, then waited several minutes for it to arrive without making any fuss at all.

One little boy wanted more salt and pepper on his noodles, and there was just something in the way he said it that made me willing to move heaven and earth to bring it to him. Whenever I asked the children, individually, at different times throughout the meal, if they were done with their plates, they answered me kindly, one way or another. I'd be hard-pressed to say whether I've ever been more amazed by or enjoyed serving any group of children in my entire career in fact. I'm kind of tearing up now, even just thinking about them...

Back to the point of this posting, the grandfather exhibited generosity to his family, a polite and respectful demeanor towards myself and our entire staff, and apparently he was not at all concerned about the expense of the outing. In short, he was not just the typical a foodie whom we generally love to wait on, but the ideal customer whom we all dream of serving. He more than fit the exact profile of those whom I've observed might be inclined to tip much better than 20%, if he felt that my service was indeed excellent.

Of course I auto-gratted anyways. Even though my service was excellent in this case, I don't take such risks anymore, having learned the hard way. I'll always claim my "minimum gratuity" when I know that I've earned it, and keep working even harder to get some extra Awesome Sauce smothered on top.

Presenting the check went off without a hitch, and without any argument from his family (back 100% on-topic now, this was an important cue to me, that apparently they were expecting, or accustomed, to this from him). So at the end when I'm returning his card and vouchers to sign, right when he's making eye contact to receive it from me, I speak the words "Our service charge is itemized on the bill, for your review" and thank him by name, and the entire group once again for choosing our restaurant and invite them to please return and ask for me by name if they get the opportunity.

After all I just said earlier .. "Why would I do that? you might ask.

It was a simple matter of taking note of all of the observable cues I'd witnessed about the fact that he and his entire group were very experienced restaurant diners. I knew good and well that he knew good and well that gratuity was going to be included on a table of that size, because apparently he's eaten out more than once or twice since the 1950's. He knows about auto-grats, and if anything I'm guessing is true, he's eaten at even nicer places than mine and doesn't worry about the expense.

So dealing with such a sophisticated diner, I took one last opportunity to distinguish myself from the 500 other waiters he's had before me, and did the exact opposite of what he's observed over the years - waiters hoping he wouldn't notice the auto-grat and taking him for a fool, trying to get double-bumped.

Gorgonzola and I discussed our mutual strategy that very evening. In situations like this, we both know that we stand to gain a lot more - both in respect from our guests and in financial reward - by verbally disclosing auto-grats to more sophisticated diners. We're both betting that the guest will view us as "stand up fellows" for doing so, and that their respect for us will transfer to the bottom line of the voucher.

In this case it did. The bill was over $700, the auto-grat was $132, and the gentleman wrote in an additional $35 (totalling over $900, and equalling roughly a 25% tip). Maybe he would have tipped extra anyways, but in this case, my verbal disclosure of the auto-grat was just one more little way of icing the cake, showing him that I'm the kind of guy that someone like him can truly appreciate being served by, and he's the kind of guy who showed it.

Exactly as I was betting on.

It's not that you have to be in the routine of picking up $900 tabs to be treated well by average waiters or waitresses, by the way. No, not at all. Sometimes rich people are among our least favorite customers to wait on in fact, and can be among the worst tippers as well. When you go out to eat...

Nah, this has been long enough already. More about how we judge you and some tips on how to be treated well by wait-staff regardless of how much you're spending or tipping, next time.

"Why Didn't You Tell Us The Tip Was Included?"

"Indeed, the tip was included, you ignoble savage."

I love it when a table asks me this!

How *I* handle that question is way below, but first ...

Back to Petunia, that no good such-and-such who asks outloud in front of everybody else at the table "Is the tip included?" It probably seemed quite harsh of me, months ago, when I wrote to you that when Petunia asks this, I have to "politely refrain from punching her in the face."

Not that I ever would, but for that second, the impulse to do so does rise up within me, and most other servers as well. All of the ones I've personally asked, or spoken to, about this, that is, I mean. Ever. I can't say that I speak for us all though.

You see people, it's like this: just once on every third blue moon or so, we will still today wait on a larger table who somehow doesn't notice that gratuity was in fact included on their bill, and they'll tip us AGAIN on top of the final amount. The technical term for this rare occurrence would be "Double-grat" but more commonly most of us might just say "Yes! I got Double-bumped!"

It's like Christmas and your birthday and a winning Lotto ticket all rolled up into one. If the credit card voucher were a football, we'd spike it.

Once again my sincere thanks to you Dear Reader for having come with me this far. On top of all the instances that you've to-date graciously taken the time to hear me out on - nevermind the foreigners - do you have any idea how many 60 and 70 year-old women I've had to kiss on the mouth on their birthdays in my line of work? And speaking for my female friends and co-workers, how many times they've been grabbed, pinched, and slapped on the butt as an un-enjoyable yet routine part of their profession?

The indignities certain people inflict upon us while we execute what should otherwise be a simple matter of bringing you your food and drink are occasionally beyond belief.

Not himself prone to whining, David Hayden writes "Serving will give you reason to doubt yourself, your restaurant and your guests. Your very faith in humanity will inevitably be called into question. Some nights you will have a hard time finding a reason to smile. Waiting tables is a difficult profession, and there will be shifts where all signs point to you walking out with empty pockets... The only way to be a great server is to be optimistic anyway." - Tips Squared : Tips for Improving Your Tips

90% of the time (depending upon where one works I'd say) things go fine and most of us "somewhat to sincerely" enjoy our work and our interactions with the guests we wait on. Then there are times when we put up with various types of abuse and almost don't care, because we're getting paid. You can run us back and forth, speak rudely to us, perhaps grab and grope us, and we will still speak well of you and perhaps even fight and finagle our way to wait on you when you return, so long as you tip us well. We're whores and we know it, and how you tip is the only criteria by which we judge you.

Conversely, if you are nice as can be and tell us "You're the best server I've ever had..." (the dreaded "verbal tip" we call it, because we know that's almost a sure sign of a bad tip to come) we will rat you out to other wait-staff telling them to not waste their time giving you their best service, and many will curse out loud when you are seated in their sections, if you tip in the 10-15% range routinely.

(Actually, I won't personally rat you out if you tip poorly. I've matured, I know it might have been me or a mistake I made, and I think every guest deserves to be treated well without their server being pre-disposed to ignore them. I also view it as a challenge when a server tells me this right before I approach a table, and I'll tell you now that I've been rewarded many times for doing so with a good tip and an astonished look from the server who's attitude apparently played more into how that particular guest tipped them "the last time." Speaking in generalities though, if you're a bad tipper, word will get out to the staff, just fyi.)

But if we get paid, we'll suppress or somehow deal with our emotions when people are awful. But to deal with the downsides of our worst customers on a (non-gratted) table of four for example, then to find out that you got drunk and left without filling out and signing your credit or debit voucher - or walked out of the restaurant with the TOP COPY that you did fill out, leaving us the bottom one blank and with no tip at all for our hard work - can dang near break our spirits into tiny shards, at times.

So of all of the times when we literally lose money for having waited on you, and the times where we have no income to show for our work, we (the survivors among us, I mean) suppress all normal, healthy, human reactions to these instances and just breathe deeply when these things happen, in order to hold on to our sanity and our jobs ...

"How do we do that?" you might ask...

By saying to ourselves "It all evens out on the end..."

So here's the newsflash - that rare day when somehow, someone, actually double-tips us - is in fact THE WAY that it finally evens out for us! We've been consoling ourselves - and one another - over and over that things will even out for us, and today's the day it finally did!

Not even numerically mind you, just emotionally.

This is the moment when we finally look up to the heavens and declare "There's justice in the world after all! Yes! Yes!! YES!!! There IS a God! And He hasn't forgotten me!!!"

Okay before you judge me, first off it's not like we lied, cheated, or deceived you to make this happen, okay? Generally speaking, we just did our job and obeyed company policy while doing so. Of course we're secretly hoping it will happen every time we lay down the check, sure. But auto-gratting has become so commonplace today, that getting double-bumped rarely happens today. In the old days, you might not have caught that a tip, or an "auto-grat" (as I've been calling it) or a "Service Charge" (as it's now becoming referred to) was indeed worked into your bill. So maybe you're still angry about that one time, from years back. I understand.

Yes, I am aware that restaurant checks of the past somehow managed to obfuscate this detail, and that back before computers some server might've gotten away with illegibly scribbling this detail on your check in hopes that you'd miss it, and that 10 or 15 years ago, you might've gotten taken.

But the way it is today, every restaurant has heard your cries, taken your angry phone calls the next day, fired the parties responsible if and when you were indeed duped, doesn't want to receive any more such phone calls, and today, makes sure that any auto-grat or service charge that may apply was disclosed both up-front when the reservation (?) was made, and then again in easy-to-understand ways on your check and then (at most places) even once again on your credit/debit voucher, so that REALLY Petunia, it's totally on you if you somehow still miss it.

So don't be a Petunia. At least read your bill before asking the question out loud, willya?

Put simply, when an auto-grat has been included, this information is readily available on your check. If you don't see an auto-grat or service charge itemized however, then I'd say you're free to ask, just to keep yourself from getting taken. That's definitely fair, I'm just asking that you look before asking.

Petunias are almost never the ones picking up large checks for an entire table anyways. Petunias rear their head mainly when it's a group with separate checks. Just as the server is sneaking away after laying down those checks, she pipes up with "Is the tip included?" dashing our hopes - however miniscule they may be - of getting a few extra dollars and perhaps a much-needed emotional rush from the one person at the table who missed that detail. Petunia may think she's gaining favor with her friends, but as I've detailed, there are almost certainly one or two people dining with her who are going to think much less of her for years to come.

Now, many of us servers have all played around with creative ways to answer you if you ask "Is the tip included?" that perhaps won't reveal our disappointment, while still angling for a little more, if you happen to be so inclined (and many people are, believe it or not).

About fifteen years ago for instance, I heard my past co-worker TIMMY keep a straight face while smoothly answering "Yes ma'am. The 15% minimum. You're allowed to leave more though, if you feel that my service was better than the minimum."

To which I thought "Note to Self : Steal that line!"

Another co-worker, Pistachio, had taken his schmoozing and levels of shamelessness to new heights by often delivering his perfectly rehearsed "Yes ma'am, the 18% minimum service charge has been included, which is split up between the bartenders, busboys, food-runners, hostess staff and myself, but there's a line there for you to include additional gratuity if you thought the service was exceptional, and that would be all mine to keep. While it's of course not required, it is always appreciated." I don't know how he managed to spit all of that out of his big cheesy-mustached-toothy grin so regularly - and I almost can't believe he never got fired for such a spiel - but I can tell you that he did receive extra gratuity about three out four times he said it. Good luck trying that one out my fellow servers, and do so at your own risk.

My answer nowadays usually falls somewhere between the two, depending upon my read of the person asking, my own assessment of how well I served them, how I feel at the moment, and just how much self-respect I'm willing to sacrifice for a possible five or a hundred more dollars in "Additional Gratuity."

So these are the types of things we've invented as our own little "auto-replies" when asked. Of course we're hoping you don't ask, and now you know why we don't go out of our way usually to tell you that the tip has been included (unless the restaurant's policy requires us to - that's a different story). We're simply kind of hoping that today will be our special day. Multiple bad experiences over many years prior have made many of us jaded enough to where we don't feel even one bit bad about this. And I'm sorry for that, but hey times are tough; if you can afford to eat where I work, I'm just not that inclined to feel a lot of sympathy for your financial situation.

All of this of course is my "long answer" to the original question which I'm disclosing to you as my reader, but none of this is anything akin to what I'd tell you as my customer. If you were to look up and ask me as my customer "Why didn't you tell us the tip was included?" ... well, when that happens, for me, it's showtime.

First, I will attempt to let all of the blood rush from my face, in hopes of turning completely white in front of you, as my eyes grow wide. Then, I will appear genuinely shocked - hurt, even - at the question. (All of this in less than two seconds.) Then, regaining my composure, I summon my best Alfred the Butler impression and say simply ...

"Well... Sir ... (I cough, shake my still-reeling head a bit, and then lower my voice so that the neighbors won't hear how you're embarrassing yourself, and continue) "...At any place I've ever worked it's grounds for termination for me to mention the tip in ANY fashion. We're not permitted to bring up the topic with guests in any way. But the service charge is stated on the menu, and it's itemized again on your bill to make sure you know this. And I'm glad to answer any questions, but me bringing it up is in really poor taste, and might even get me fired."

Which usually shuts the ignoble savage right up.

The ones it doesn't shut up all say that same thing - "Well, I woulda tipped you more if you hadn't included the tip already." And you already know my answer to that one.

If you're new to this site feel free to catch up by reading Part 1 - Part 2 - Part 3 - Part 4 - Part 5 - Part 6 and Part 7 on tipping and auto-gratuity, and subscribe to this blog for the final installments.

You'd Better Be Good To Me

"...How others treat the waiter is like a magical window into the soul."
Source - USA TODAY : CEOs say how you treat your waiter can
predict a lot about character which you should totally read after this

Okay, okay ...  I get it.

I really do "get" that you might consider it a bit odd - or even excessive, perhaps - how I just confessed to you that I do - and forever will - judge all of my friends and associates by how I observe them treating wait-staff, when dining out with them.

I in fact do totally get that this statement could seem, well... probably a bit eccentric... to you. However, for every reader who might respond thusly, I'll "fire right-back-at'cha" that "If you feel that's strange, then it's obvious to me that you've never waited tables for a living." 

Because - as I also tried to make clear - it's not just me that does this. As I communicated in my last post "Once a restaurant person, always a restaurant person."

It just doesn't matter how long ago it was that any person in particular waited tables for their living, whenever they go into a restaurant today, they are still (even 40 years later perhaps) judging the experience they receive in any given restaurant, as "a restaurant person." 

And more to the point, they too, are judging YOU, by what they observe of your behavior when you are in any given restaurant.

Clergy and Military aside (and please insert your favorite applicable profession that I left out, here) I can't think of any other job or career path outside of restaurant work which leaves such an indelible stamp upon the world-view of the person that has done so for many years. Believe me or not.

I've heard it said before - altho darn it, I Googled this really hard tonight and still can't find a reliable source to back me up on this claim - so please don't quote me Wikipedia - but there's this statistic stuck in my head from some time ago that at least "1 in 4 American adults have waited tables for a living" at some point in their lives.

So IF that's actually true, and IF you're NOT one of these four, for now I want you to picture yourself dining out somewhere as part of a 4-top. 

A "4-top" by the way, Mr/Ms Unitiated, is simply restaurant lingo for "a table of four people." 

So you're sitting at a table of four, and you perhaps have never waited tables before, okay? What I'm trying to impart right now - largely for your benefit, not mine - is that it's quite probable that at least one of the three other people you find yourself sitting with, HAS waited tables for a living at some point in their lives. And even if they haven't, it's still to your benefit to hear me out on this.

(Enjoy this little sidebar by the way. I'll pick right back up where I left off previously, next time.

It's just that while I was at work earlier tonight, Eugene and I had a party of 17 that never showed up nor called to cancel, so I had about four income-less hours to jot down these additional thoughts on my order pad, which you might find really useful to know.)

" .. 'Cos while you're judging your server, it's a pretty safe bet that someone else at your table is also judging YOU.

"So you're a salesperson out to lunch with that corporate Vice-President that it took you six months to finally get a face-to-face appointment with? Naturally, you've Googled him, you know all of his "hot buttons" related to your mutual industries, and you made a really great presentation. But here's what Google didn't tell you. Did you happen to know that his Dad left the family when he was really young? And that his Mom waited tables his entire life to put him through college? When he (Mr Corporate VP) was still a little boy in fact, he had to rub his Mom's feet in a tub of hot water when she got home, and listen to all of her stories about rude customers and what went on at work tonight, because she had no one else to talk to. And then after she fell asleep, Mr VP had to clean and polish his Mom's work shoes for the next day, as part of his 50 cent allowance.

"So, while completely unbeknownst to you as to why, that snide remark (the one you thought was really funny) that you made about your knocked-up waitress, just cost you the biggest account of your life.

"Oh, and that pretty young lady you've taken a shining to? So you're finally out to dinner with her parents for the first time, and you're thinking that you're really going to impress them by "insisting" to pick up the entire check. Okay, that's cool. What you didn't know, is that her folks met while working together at the same restaurant when they were younger. Like I've described myself, and kind of like Superman under a yellow sun, restaurant people (even former ones) are endowed with amazing super-powers of observation whenever they find themselves in a restaurant. 

"So even though they needed reading glasses to view the menu, they both noted (thanks to their telescopic and X-ray vision that enables them to read upside-down from across the table in a darkened corner of any restaurant) that you tipped the waiter a lousy 10%. Meaning that all your charm and pulling chairs out has been for naught, because they've seen through your veneer, and now feel that they know all they need to know about you. They now officially don't like you, and they never will. 

"By the way, her Mom didn't really have to go to the bathroom again on the way out. She was just going back to drop some extra cash on the table for the waiter, whom you pretty much stiffed. So I've got a newsflash for you Romeo - you're never coming over to their house for dinner, and they will bug their daughter from here on out to drop you like a bad habit, because they know what a cheapskate you are, and they definitely don't intend to spend their golden years cleaning up your financial messes."

So sure, come on in tonight with three of your closest personal friends or business associates, and let me wait on you.

If you're rude or insulting to me, I'm not even going to remember you (well, you might wind up in one of my blogs, but that's about it). I'm just saying, that someone else at your table - who's opinion you care a lot more about than mine - might feel quite differently about how you treated me than I do, is all.

You can even tip me 10% if you like. Times are slow .. fine dining's in a rough patch right now, and I'll take your $20 over nothing, I suppose. That, and the table next to you might leave me 30%, and it'll all even out (I tell myself). However, I want you to know that whoever you're eating with might not feel as magnanimous about the way you tipped me, as I do.

You DO know that I write these things for your benefit more so than my own, right?

If you don't want someone you care about still hating you three or fifteen years from now, I'm just here to tell you - you'd better be good to me.


But I digress.

My well-polished answer to "Why Didn't You Tell Us The Tip Was Included?" is still to come.

Divided Loyalties

Not really my friends. Just some random Brits. - Image Source

Fifteen years ago...

I'm out to lunch with a large group of friends one Sunday afternoon. One of those groups you and I hate to wait on above almost all others, that is. A church group - with 12 or 15 separate checks. Lots of waters with lemon were drunk on that day, and quite a bit of plate-sharing was had by all.

You might rightly imagine that in my mind I'm experiencing this Sunday lunch partly from my server's point of view, and not just as a happy-go-lucky diner.

It's a tad surreal, but it's something we really can't help - or just "turn off" either - not even decades after being out of the business, I'm told. Every current or former restaurant worker is still a restaurant person whenever we're dining out. It's therefore difficult sometimes just to relax and to enjoy our meals and our friends, while not simultaneously both critiquing and empathizing with the restaurant staff, sizing up the experience with "other eyes" as we go. That towel on the floor in the bathroom, or that light bulb that's burned out four tables away, bugs us way more than it does you, for instance. And seriously ...? The server actually greets our table while chewing gum? Minus several points, already...

Yet conversely, while I'm feeling understandably miffed that my drink re-fill hasn't happened yet, I'm possibly the only one at our table not asking outloud "where is our waitress?" That's because I know the answer already. While yes I am listening to you my dear friend whom I'm dining out with today, I also happen to know that our waitress got stuck running and serving the food to another server's table not twenty feet from us, opposite the partition. I can see her nodding her head and promising to get something for those guests way over there, way out of her section. You mean you can't?

So on this fateful day fifteen years ago, my group and I have had our fun, and our server dutifully passes out our checks. I alone perhaps also note that she manages to stealthily sneak away before Petunia (you remember Petunia, don't you?) asks the dreaded question. Well played, lass. Now I'm already assuming that the tip has been included in our group's checks - y'know, because it said so on the menu - which I happened to read. A quick glance at my check confirms this. We were auto-gratted. I and others reach for our wallets and pocket-books, when all of a sudden my so-called friend Patti decides to make a point of informing everybody at the table that "the tip has already been included."

I love Patti, and in many years of friendship I've had nothing but respect for her, but at this particular moment I really want to smack her.

In this moment, my loyalties are clearly divided, in case you hadn't noticed. I'm torn between siding with the well-being of my friends, or my fraternity (so to speak). I know Patti's just watching out for our mutual friends' interests and I can respect her for that. Kind of. But forgive me Patti, for also hating you just a bit at the same time. It's not personal of course.

For instance there's this other fellow, whom I generally respect and like in many, many ways. Yet one time, three and a half years ago, I sat across from him at dinner with another large group, and not only was he a pain-in-the-ass to wait on in general, he was also incredibly hyper-critical of our waiter (who did make an initial mistake by bringing this guy the wrong drink .. whoopie). So this guy spends the rest of the meal making intermittent disparaging comments about the service - although everyone else seemed happy enough - and yes at the end, he also whined about the auto-gratuity. To this day I still hold it against him. He has no idea how much respect I've lost for him as a result of his behavior when dining out together, and how it still affects my ability to be close to him. His loss or mine, I dunno ... You tell me - should I try to talk this out with him perhaps, and finally move past it?

Well anyways ... did my eyes just roll back into my head for a second there when my friend Petunia - I mean Patti - took it upon herself to announce to our table that the tip had been included in our checks? Maybe my body tensed up, or my fingers slowly tightened and crumpled my check a bit. Perhaps a deep guttural snarl emanated from the fiber of my very being...

I don't know what it was really (heck, maybe she was just curious) but that's when my friend Ariel, whom I'm sitting next to, turns and asks me

"You tell people when the tip is included, so they don't leave you too much, don't you?"

"Oh no. I long ago got over the moral dilemma of that one" I reply without even thinking twice about how it might come across to her.

So fifteen years later, do I now care how it might come across to you - you readers of my confessional? Or have I maybe changed my mind on this a little, to side with the customers who might accidentally leave me too much as a tip?

Yeah... that would still be a big fat "NOPE!" to both of the above.

Don't judge me. When the Double-Bump happens, we call it Justice.

(And by the way Silly Rabbit, there's no such thing as "tipping me too much.")

But lest ye think my morals have somehow flown out the window, allow me unpack this one a little bit more please. "Why Didn't You Tell Us The Tip Was Included?" is already half-written, and will be coming up ...
 

Next, on Guy's Work Blog. Subscribe below.

Why American Servers Hate Waiting on Foreigners

If you can handle the F-Bomb, Naomi sums up in this 11-second
video clip how we all feel. Yes, every single one of us.
Sorry.

In my first couple of months (working at the restaurant where most of this blog takes place) Pistachio throws me an honest question:

"Hey Guy, do you feel that you ever kind of slack off on your standards of service when waiting on foreigners?"

I think the question itself was an admission of guilt on his part, and that he was just making conversation, assuming that I'd relate.

Had I not been so new there, I think I would have given him a much more honest answer than I did at the time. I didn't really know him well, nor care to trust him with my innermost secrets (like I do you guys). Nearly two years later though, I think it's time for me to finally let the truth out.

To all of you foreigners planning on dining in the U.S., I think you should know that we American restaurant servers really, really, really hate you. For the most part anyways.

(Disclaimer : I'm using the word "hate" here rather loosely, as true hatred is against my beliefs and my nature. But it is a word that gets thrown around over and over when servers are discussing foreigners, as the videos I'm including testify.)

We don't hate you because of the color of your skin, your ethnicity, or for your religious beliefs. You may be of the same persuasion as your server on one or two of those items for that matter, but we will still hate you even if we're actually the same on all other checkboxes. It's not your accents we can't stand, that's just work. It's not the way you smell - although that, and your hygiene - could arguably use a little work, from our perspective.

It would probably be more accurate for me to clarify that we don't hate you personally, because we don't really get to know you of course. But by and large, we hate *waiting on you* because you don't tip.

90% of the time or greater, you don't tip well (or even sufficiently for services rendered) and many times you don't tip at all. We have learned from multiple experiences that you are more likely going to cost us money out of our own pockets because you sat in our section, than we are going to earn money from you. When seated a table of non-U.S. customers, our hearts kind of sink, and quite often the hostess apologizes to us for "giving you" to us. I'll bet you didn't know that did you? Your very presence often requires an in-house apology to be offered among co-workers.

Now, the spirit of my blog has always been that I don't complain about my job, my customers, my tips, etc. Rather, I share funny things that happen, life lessons I've picked up over the years, and the like. And just because my readers trust me and know that I'm often "on their side" as a professional who strives to offer my guests great service, they enjoy hearing me explain things to them which they did not know, from my inside perspective.

So lest you think I'm making an exception to my rules just to complain about foreigners, let me tell you a somewhat amusing story about "Mark from Denmark."

Mark's in Orlando for a large conference of veterinarians being held at the Convention Center (a few minute walk from our restaurant). We have these events all the time here, and we wait on customers from all over the world regularly. Well, Mark from Denmark is dining with two other guests and he pays me in cash for the lunch. To the penny, with no tip at all.

Now usually I let this go, but after over a year of putting up with this behavior routinely, I uncharacteristically decide to speak up. I don't think I would have, except for the fact that I was standing there as he counted out the bills and then handed it all to me. If I had picked up their payment after they'd left, it's not like I would have followed him out to address the topic, but he just counted the money outloud then handed me the book.

My frustration with this ongoing situation has somehow exceeded my capacity to keep my mouth shut, today it seems, and I calmly state "There's not gratuity included in the bill, like some places sir."

"What?" he asks me - probably not too thrilled that I called him out in front of his associates. (The truth is I know I'm moving from Orlando shortly, and just maybe the risk of losing my job for opening my mouth holds less weight for me on this particular day.)

I state even more matter-of-factly this time, "The tip isn't included."

Much to my surprise, he explains that this is a business trip (duh, I knew that) and to get reimbursed, he would need for the tip to be detailed on the check. Wow, that's completely understandable, and now I'm kind of liking this guy! Maybe he's not a total jerk foreigner after all, who doesn't care if I have to pay for the honor of waiting on him, he just wants to see it on the bill. I mean he was going to stiff me and it's not like he couldn't have explained all this to me up front if he were genuinely concerned about tipping, but since I brought it up at least he's willing to not be a complete jerk after all.

Not a problem. I just have to go to the manager and explain that Mark needs to have the tip itemized on his check. I know we can auto-grat this on the computer, print it out, and we both get what we want out of the situation. Great!

My mistake was opening my mouth again. Once was risky enough, but after explaining to him that I can do that, I mess up by actually asking him "The standard 18%?" to which he replies "No, ten."

I stare, and thankfully it's at this point that I finally, finally succeed in keeping my mouth shut. But I'm still staring, and with this quizzical (I'm sure) look on my face while clenching my teeth.


Wait for it ... because this is the part that I thought was funny ... Mark points to our policy, and says to me with all seriousness "18% is for parties of eight or more. We are only three."

Bwah, hahahahahaha! 

Believe it or not I actually understand his logic! So I walk away FAST before truly embarrassing myself by trying to take this any further. The crazy thing was explaining to Mike the manager why I needed a 10% auto-grat, which of course he's never done before. We're not even sure if the computer will do that, but he figured it out. As to the guy's reasoning, Mike good-naturedly says, "I guess it's a good thing for you he wasn't eating by himself."

Like most foreigners, Mark from Denmark doesn't understand that a 10% tip is actually an insult to American servers, but moving up from nothing I'll take it - and the funny story - in stride this time. Mark from Denmark could at least be reasoned with a bit.

Unlike Sven from Sweden.

Family of eight. Tourists. Auto-grat. But I made one mistake. Sven orders the "black and blue" steak but wants the blue cheese on the side. I failed to type that in, and long story short, we had to fix this, which took all of ninety seconds.

Everyone else loves the food and the service, and I take him the check. Sven from Sweden actually has the nerve to challenge the auto-grat because of my mistake. I tell Mike about the problem. We're both dumbfounded, but he removes the auto-grat, saying "What a jerk." Mike actually goes out to the table himself to present the check and apologize for our error, just so he can stare the guy down and see this jerk for himself. I wish I had been quick enough to suggest to Mike that we remove the auto-grat from just the one steak, but leave the rest, and take the check back to him. I honestly think Mike would have gone for it if I'd thought of it sooner, and man, that could have been fun to watch unfold!

So, bottom line ... Sven from Sweden - like Mark from Denmark and so many other foreigners before him - pays his family's bill to the penny, leaving me no tip at all, costing me about $12 in tip-out that night, out of my own pocket for "the pleasure" of giving good service to him and his smelly family.

"It all averages out ..." I lie to myself, while dispelling images of spitting in his food if I ever see him again. (I'm not going to lie and tell you I've never done it before in my 25 years of restaurant service, but I'm older now, and overall much more mature about these things.)

But listen up Sven. We know good and well that you would have found something to complain about if I hadn't made this small mistake, and that you most likely came in knowing about American auto-grats, intending to find a way to get it removed if at all possible and stiffing your server no matter what. I'd bet good money that you do it all the time. Or that you at least try. And we hate you for it.

It's stealing, Sven. In America, it's our "social contract" that waiters get 20% tips, otherwise a $4.99 burger costs you and everyone $7.99, if we completely change the system to where the restaurant pays us a decent wage. Nobody really wants that, so just cough up the dollar tip for every five you spend or just stay home.

Sure, we're glad that our overall economy gets a boost when millions of you foreign tourists spend millions of dollars here annually. The problem is that we servers don't get any of it. Those who wait on you get shafted most of the time. You not only fail to pay us for services rendered, you often cost us money just for sitting at our tables. We wait on you, you stiff us, we pay tip-out and taxes, and you take up the space that a table who would have tipped could have had that we'd actually make money on. 

And that is why we don't like you. And that is why we will auto-grat you every chance we get.

We servers all know that in your country tipping 20% for excellent service is not the custom. We also know that you know it IS the custom here. We know your travel agents told you, and that you have brochures and "Tips for Travelling in the United States" that explain it to you. We know you have the internet and learned all about this yourself before you even came. (Below, I'm providing yet another video for you, from "Wolter's World : America Explained" series. Wolter's a world traveler and he's not a waiter, but he knows that we hate you, and he is trying to help you.) I've been to Russia myself in fact, and our group had to study for nine months on how not to offend you when over there, so I'm sure you did nine minutes or more of research before you came here.

We know you're just pretending to be ignorant of the fact that tipping is expected here, and we don't forgive you for it.

It's foreigners like you, Sven, that make us American waiters hate waiting on you. All of you. Many of you don't tip, most of you don't tip well if you do at all, and we hate you, plain and simple, because of it. For my American readers, if you want to know why restaurants auto-grat so frequently these days, I want you to know that it's not your fault, most likely.

Sure there's plenty of Americans who don't tip well and we've addressed that here. They are in the minority I've found, however. The problem, is that the overwhelming majority of foreigners don't tip, unless made to. I'm willing to bet even more good money that by and large, that the sheer volume of foreigners visiting America as tourists - often concentrated in cities like Orlando, New York City, and Los Angeles - then stiffing their servers, is in fact how the auto-grat probably got started, and takes the form that it does today. Servers were crying and walking out and breaking things, remember? And restaurants needed to find a way to keep their good staff. But if you know one thing about business in America, it's that businesses don't typically want to piss off their customers, right? We don't do this auto-grat thing lightly. But it simply had to be done, because of the foreigners.

And now you know. And now that you know, perhaps I can sleep a little easier, having gotten all this off of my chest. I'm just one more entry (Petunia, remember?) and one appendix away from being done. It's going to make a great book that we can ship in bulk to foreign embassies and put in airport bookstores perhaps.

But back to Pistachio's question before I sign off for tonight.

"Do my standards of service ever get a little slack when waiting on foreigners?"

I'm ashamed to say... Yes. Sometimes.


You Svens from Sweden and you Marks from Denmark and you Europeans with your espressos and you Brazillians with your American holidays and you crappy-tipping Canadians and you French guys that leave quarters ... have honestly "gotten" to me.


I told Pistachio a year earlier that I know that some foreigners don't tip well, but some do, and overall it always averages out so I just try to give the same service to everybody. That was a lie then, and I'd be living a lie to say so here.

There. I admitted it. Happy?

I'm a damn good server who takes pride in my work - my profession, my craft, my ART if you will, but you cheap foreign &%@$#s have ruined me. I've taken so many different types of abuse at my job, and have seen many ups and downs in my work, yet I keep coming back and giving great service to people day after day believing the best about almost everybody and not caring about the worst as best as I honestly can.

But you people ... you foreigners ... you've beaten me. I can't stand you, and I can't stand myself sometimes knowing that I can't stand you. But you've finally won, and you've made me a lesser person for it.

If you're part of a foreign 2-top or a family of four that's not being auto-gratted, you MAY not get my best. If I'm busy, and I have to make a choice between giving three of my tables great service and yours maybe kind of bad service, or risk giving all four tables just "average" service to make sure that you get taken care of "equally" well ... Well Sven, I'm sorry, but it's just honestly not going to happen.

I'm not going to tell you much, if anything, about the specials, for instance. Figure out what's good here by yourself, and I'll come take your order after you've sorted it out on your own. If you ask my opinion about anything on the menu, I'm going to tell you "it's good" rather than be honest and waste a lot of my time telling you what I really like the best. Because you won't pay me for my time and expertise.

I'm not going to do anything at all in fact to serve you that takes up any more of my time than absolutely necessary to get you out of my life, because you're not worth my time based on how you're most likely going to treat me at the end. Tell me what you want and I'll bring it to you because I have to, that's how this works. If your drinks are empty and so are the drinks at table next to you, guess who gets a refill? Not you.

Don't dare ask me questions about "what's fun to do around here" or for directions either. Because if you do, I'm going to have a three-second internal debate with my passive-aggressive side about whether or not to send you to the absolute lamest place that I know of, or give you directions that will leave you lost and out of gas somewhere.

All that's on a bad day for me of course. Otherwise I'll probably try a little harder for you if there's time, because it's my job and I have to live with myself. But if I'm even a little busy, hundreds of foreign customers before you ever came along have already ruined things for you. As soon as I hear your accent, it's like I don't see you so much anymore, as I see "them" - the ones who have stiffed me so many times before I ever met you. Therefore, you might get a little ignored, maybe. Then again you might not. But it's a lot more likely that you will, if there's a choice to be made.

And I'm sorry for that.

It's just that feeding MY family is why I work here. Feeding YOUR family is just my job and a means to that end, but it's not my ultimate responsibility in life. So again, anytime there's a clear choice to be made, guess who wins and guess who loses? I sometimes hate myself for having to make this choice, and to be honest it kills me a bit inside when I do, but I'm here to tell you, the last time I felt I did have to make a choice between giving foreigners good service or Americans great service, I catered most and I catered best to those who were paying me cold, hard American cash for my time and efforts.

And I'll do it again.

And you know what? I actually CARE about my job and my performance and my guest's satisfaction. So if I'll choose to ignore you, you can bet that Pistachio and millions of other waiters and waitresses are probably going to as well, without even thinking twice or feeling bad about it. They've told me so in fact.


So what can we do about this problem Sven? What can you do, if you're planning on making a trip to the U.S., and you don't want your servers to ignore you, or give you anything less than their best service?

Well, you're reading this, and that's a start. Of course you can tell yourself that you're going to tip 20% for great service (which always surprises us servers, when you foreign visitors do so). But your server won't know that, so how does that help you, on the front end?

Hmmmmm ... how can your server know not to give you worse service because you're foreign, and that you're likely to tip well for good service? That's a tough one ...

Hey I know!

HERE'S how you can really ensure better service, if your server knows you're not from the U.S. and will be inclined to believe from the outset that you're a lousy tipper, not worthy of their best performance, or their time.

TELL THEM to auto-grat your check.

Seriously. Do it at the very beginning, while they're asking for your drink order, and possibly still inclined to be making a little chit-chat with you until they realize just how foreign you are.

Just say "Hey we'd like to ask you a favor... The tipping customs are different where we live than I've read they are here. But we want to make sure you get paid correctly. Could you auto-grat our check for us so that we can see it on the bill, and don't have to figure it out for ourselves?"

You do that ten different places while you're dining in the U.S. and I'm guessing 8 out of 10 waiters will cheerfully say "Yes sir/ma'am I can do that" and you will want for nothing. You'll receive possibly the best service you've ever received in your life from a server, who now genuinely appreciates you being there in their section. They'll be blown away that you cared enough to say that on the front end, and they will work very hard to make sure that you're very happy.

Two out those ten times however, you'll have a less experienced server who might seem confused by the concept, and maybe feel obliged to ask you to clarify. Tell them "Just whatever your restaurant's policy is on larger tables, please go ahead and add that amount to our check, even thought there are only (two, three, four, five...) of us."

Say it out-loud with me Sven... let's rehearse this together in fact. I want you to say, "Can you add 20% gratuity to our check please?"

Out of those ten servers, I'm guessing that you might possibly see one of them cry when you say this.

Because 30 seconds ago they were cursing life and God and you for sitting in their section, and you just made their day.

In all cases, you win. You'll get the great service you deserve for choosing to spend your money at our restaurant, and the server will get paid the amount he or she deserves for a job well done.

It's win/win ... everybody's happy ... international crisis averted.

Group hug!



You've just enjoyed Part 11 in my series on restaurant tipping and auto-gratuity. Here's links to Part 1 - Part 2 - Part 3 - Part 4 - Part 5 - Part 6 - Part 7 - Part 8 - Part 9 and Part 10 so you can catch up. The final installment (plus an appendix on The IRS) are coming soon. 

Don't miss it! Subscribe for the last chapters via the e-mail link below, or the box at the top of this page.

P.S. Here's a little more "food for thought" for all of the unrepentant Svens out there ... I'm not saying that I agree (entirely) with what happened here below, but you don't want to let the chance of it happening ruin your vacation, do you?

I'd Auto-Grat My Own Mother

EXHIBIT A :
This doesn't happen every day, but every now and then an
Auto-Grat gets smothered with a little extra Awesome Sauce!

My blogs have been rather lengthy of late, so I left this story out of the last one... 

But I really have to let you know about one of my all-time personal favorite "Hall of Fame" actions that any server I've ever worked with has ever pulled.

It won't be that big of deal to you really, but it does perfectly illustrate the point I was making in my last post (on Why Restaurants Add Automatic Gratuity and especially, HOW this either attracts or repels superior waiters to or from working for those that do)...

On my way up to "the bigger leagues" of more expensive fine dining (i.e., higher tabs and higher-end clientele, for whom tipping 20% and above is their norm, when service warrants) I quit the local Olive Garden and worked for about 3 years at "The Prime Cut" Steakhouse located near 2nd & Broadway in the heart of downtown Nashville, Tennessee.

The steaks there were around twenty 1997 dollars, and for me this was the big league finally. That's one thing I learned later in life than I wish I actually had - that like all sales jobs, if you have the skills to do the job well, you need to be where the big tickets are. It's simple math my young Waitron friends .. you will earn more money serving up $20-$50 dinners (where salads and sides may even cost extra) to people who can actually afford such, than you ever will running back and forth re-filling $8.99 Soup & Salad combos to people who struggle with tipping 15%.

Well "TIMMY!" joined our wait-staff at The Prime Cut at some point after I'd done so, and by then I was one of the servers who helped to train him. Turns out TIMMY! had also worked for an Olive Garden before, and I remember telling him about the differences in what to expect, especially in relation to our clientele.

"At lower-end places," I snobbily pontificated "it sometimes seems like YOU are "the entertainment for the evening" for a lot of the people that you're waiting on, especially on Friday and Saturday nights. Dining out's a big expense for some, maybe they don't get out that much, and they're not so much going anywhere else this weekend. So for them, the waiter is "the big show" for the weekend."

(As a note to my readership - some of whom I can feel myself quickly alienating as I type this - I have since repented of and long ago gotten past my elitist-snob waiter stage ;)

"But here it's different in lots of ways. We gets lots of business travelers on the weeknights who are on their company's credit card, and mainly they're talking to each other. It's not like you have to entertain or impress them with your life story and tell them all your dreams and desires to pass the time. You tell them what's good, bring 'em their food, be polite and professional, and they're happy.

"And even our two-tops who are here on a date : generally speaking, they're on their way somewhere else after this... dancing, a concert, a play or an opera maybe. Point is, their waiter's personality is not really supposed to be their evening's highlight either. Plus, if some guy's dropping a hundred (1997) bucks on dinner with a lady, the last person he wants to talk to for any length of time is YOU. He's dropping that hundred bucks for face-time with HER. A lot of chit-chat from you can actually be annoying, and hurt your tip. So, you basically just serve them well, and you're good."

Man, did I really think I was the stuff back then or what? Haha!

So anyways, TIMMY! proved himself be an excellent server for us. He always remained very polite and professional even with his more "troublesome" guests, and only ever talked about them behind their backs, not to their faces. As far as facial expressions, body language, and the words he said at his tables went, he was among the best I've ever witnessed in the business about not letting his guests have a clue as to what he really thought or felt about them. What a champ, huh?

And apparently TIMMY! was on his way up the food chain (get it?) much more quickly than I, because when

Oops, I'm getting ahead of myself.

At The Prime Cut, we added 15% gratuity on parties of 6 or more. Yeh, that's important. 

It's also important to include that in addition to the higher-end folks we sometimes catered to, the place also had live music and a fairly hopping lounge on weekends. It was something of a local hot-spot in the 1990's, and therefore we certainly received our fair share of local rednecks who came out more for the great steaks and cold draft beer we offered, not so much for the fine dining ambiance we tried to pull off downstairs, when things were quieter.  

The 15% auto-grat was perhaps a little radical back then I suppose. While I can't remember for sure, it was maybe there that I first heard the words "Well, Id've probably left you a lot MORE if you hadn't already included the tip!"

Yeh right buster. We've all heard that one before.. and a few times since. And we know darn good and well that you're lying. 

We know (and these days, I even empathize) that the truth is you're suffering from sticker-shock at the price of the tab you just picked up for all of your buddies, business associates, or extended family. They maybe ate and drank more than you anticipated, and who knew that three $40 bottles of wine would come to $120??? Maybe the martinis you started with clouded your judgment on exactly how much food and alcohol was actually "in the budget" for you to order, or maybe you just fell for our finely-honed sales tactics where we get you to order way more than you would have on your own.  

This can happen - especially when we know you're being auto-gratted - and personal income aside, it actually turns into an internal competition for bragging rights with the other waiters over whether or not we can get you to order the hugest appetizer platter (or three) and some expensive wine. Waiters are by no means Real Estate brokers or car salesmen, but sales is a huge part of our culture, and just like those hard-workers from the last post, restaurant managers will also default to turning their best sale-people loose on the larger tables too!

In any event, you asked me what I thought was good, and I told you. You all loved it and now here's your check. Maybe back when you arrived sober you were hoping to make everyone happy and get out for $250, and now you're stuck taking deep breaths while staring closely at the $600 tab you ran up, wondering how it all went so wrong. And in this moment, the fact that $100 of it is gratuity, well, erks you a little bit, and that's understandable.

Not to be harsh, but that's also not my problem. My problem is rent. That, and the fact that the manager sat me down last night with a long computerized print-out of my sales report from last week and talked to me about how I'm not selling half as many appetizers as "corporate" projects that I should be, and asks me do I want more shifts or less next week? Hint, hint. So I sold you some. And because of the situation you're now finding yourself in, if the tip isn't automatically added to your bill at this important juncture, human nature dictates and my experience shows that tipping 10% is about the only way some people have left to feel okay about what just transpired here.

So you're buzzed and feeling remorseful about how much you just spent, and NOW you're telling me "Well I woulda left you more if you hadn't of added the tip."

Uh-uh. Sorry. We're just not buying any of that today. You're not the first to tell me that and you won't be the last. However, in your passive-aggressive fog, you don't realize that the only worthy response to that is "Well you still can. There's an empty blank on the voucher we leave just for those who feel the service was better than the __% minimum."

Bluff called. 

You see, we in the business have learned that people who are prone to tip more than 15, 18, or 20% when service is excellent, still will. (See Exhibit A, above.) But leaving off the auto-grat in hopes that you'll tip more, just because for some reason I'm convinced that you're "really cool" and that we're such good friends now and that you just loved me so-o-o much... therefore it would somehow be WRONG of me to include the gratuity... is a total fool's mission, I've found. 

It generally takes a few trials and errors before a server finally figures out that doing so will back-fire wayyyyy more often than it's worth when they don't auto-grat, but we all eventually get it. The last time I "gambled" and left the auto-grat off of a check was circa 2001. I even knew better by then, but I was just so convinced that these people loved me and they were awesome. We connected, we laughed together, they told me how great a server I was, and when it was all said and done they left me $15 on a $400 tab.

Maybe they thought the tip was included already, and the $15 was meant to be a bonus for me. I'll never know. But ever since then, I've always told my fellow (younger or less experienced, that is) servers who are thinking about leaving the auto-grat off of a check, "Nope. I'd Auto-Grat my own mother if she were in here tonight." They usually laugh, then I'll finish with "And she WILL still tip me extra."

Sometimes they go ahead and gamble anyways. 3 out of 4 times they come walking back into the station, with the little credit card book in hand and with this look in their eyes that tells me the story before I even hear the same words come out of their mouth that I spoke in 2001 ... "Never again."

Folks it's not personal when you see the tip included on your bill, mmmm-kay? First and foremost, lets not ever forget that this is a business transaction for starters, mmmm-kay? Most of us have tried it the other way, and we've just been burned - burned badly, and too many times. That, and these days the server may not even have any choice in the matter. At my last job we got some serious "memos from corporate" that we servers were not ever allowed to pick and choose which large parties to auto-grat or not. They were smart enough to know that some type of ethnic, racial, or other types of "profiling" could come into play, so they nipped it in the bud. 8 people, 18%, period. That's what the menu said, that's the policy and we were to stick to it. Yuppers, if you and seven of my best friends came in together and I waited on you, I'd actually be written up if I DIDN'T auto-grat you.  

I'd auto-grat TIMMY! if I waited on him and all of our old friends from The Prime Cut tomorrow night, for that matter.

Were you worried I was going to forget to get back to the story?

Well at some point we at The Prime Cut learned that the owner had decided to reverse our auto-grat policy. As in eliminate it, entirely. We weren't told why - maybe someone called him who thought the service was bad one night and resented the auto-grat, I don't know. But there we are closing up on (let's call it) Wednesday night, and out of nowhere we have to stuff new inserts into the menus that no longer mention the auto-grat. The policy has been changed and none of us feel good about this at all.

But what can you do?

Thursday rolls around. It's almost 5pm, and TIMMY! hasn't shown up yet, which isn't like him. We find out he no longer works here? Huh? Why? We're not told.

I get TIMMY! on the phone the next day. That son of a buck had the cojones to do what none of the rest of us did. He called the owner, and quit via voice-mail!

TIMMY! told me exactly what he said too - that he wasn't going to work for someone that didn't value his services enough to pay him what he was worth, and so he wouldn't be back in tonight, or ever.

My hero.


Remember my argument that good servers gravitate to places that have auto-grats, and away from those that don't? Well, non-related, but about a year later I moved away from Nashville. Approximately two years later I was back visiting, and went downtown to meet my brother for dinner at The Prime Cut. When I got to the front entrance, there were chains and a padlock on the door. 

According to the Public Notice taped inside the window, they'd been evicted for failure to pay their rent.

Coincidence?


You've just enjoyed Part 10 in my series on restaurant tipping and auto-gratuity. Here's links to Part 1 - Part 2 - Part 3 - Part 4 - Part 5 - Part 6 - Part 7 - Part 8 and Part 9 so you can catch up. Part 11 is either the conclusion, or the penultimate installment. Either way, you won't want to miss it! Subscribe for the last chapters via the e-mail link below, or the box at the top of this page.