Would You Like Fries with That Filet and Lobster?

"Hi, my name's Fred and I will be
your minimum wage waiter tonight."
Image by Fredex

Part 5 in a series on the practice of tipping in restaurants.
If you're a "regular" your table is ready now. Read on. If this is your first time dining with me, I'm sorry, there's a wait. Read Part 1 - Part 2 - Part 3 - Part 4 and then I'll be happy to serve you.

(I crack me up sometimes...)

Many people who don't like to tip waiters well when dining out, or who resent the tip being added to the check in some cases, often feel that restaurants should just pay their servers minimum wage so that tipping can be done away with.

Previously, I talked about the massive increase you'd see in menu prices if that were case.

Today's Special is the low-down on why you'd receive much, much worse service almost everywhere you eat, if that were to actually happen.

This one's much more palatable than the last few, so a nice Pinot Noir would go great with this entry, rather than a more stiff cocktail. You see, I can tell you that because I'm an expert, and a professional. You tell me a little bit about what you like perhaps, and I can tell you exactly what you will love to eat and drink tonight, and also help steer you away from something you might really hate. And guess what? Experts don't work for minimum wage.

My apologies to any minimum wage workers reading this, first off. I haven't meant to come off as disparaging with the "Burger King / Wal-Mart" remarks, and I generally respect anyone with enough character to hold down any job.

That said, for my purposes here, do you know what minimum wage actually means? It's what someone gets paid to do a job that requires minimum training, minimum education, minimum experience, and minimum skills to satisfactorily meet the expectations of their employer, and in some cases, their customers. So depending on where you actually like to dine out, perhaps that's fine for you, and spending your hard-earned money on a $4.99 meal (that now costs you $7.99 in a world where the restaurant pays their waiters minimum wage) works for you. If you are okay with the absolute minimum levels of service, skills, and knowledge of food, required to get yours in front of you, then by all means, continue to argue for your right to pay $7.99 for a $4.99 burger that you resent tipping $1 on.

All I'm saying is that *I* certainly won't be the one serving it to you. Fred will.

Remeber my previous example of "an okay night" for me? ...Where I walked with $75, and could expect to see about $4 on my paycheck for that shift? Well if you're sharp, you may have noticed that I also stated that I earned $75 for 5 hours of work. That's $15 per hour, huh? And that's a slow night, and a yearly wage I stated I would not be satisfied with.

Fact is, waiters and waitresses who are good enough to work full-time at places that demand that they possess a little more skill and training than a fast-food worker, aren't going to work long at all at a place where they earn less than $10 per hour, or considerably more. Whether they work to make ends meet or are paying for their college, nobody lives on or saves up much on $7.25 an hour. ($7.25 times 40 hours minus 20% for taxes times 50 weeks is $11,500 per year, by the way. Take a good look at your server in a nice restaurant next time you're out. Ask them if they have kids maybe. Do you think that person gets by on $11,500? Not even close.)

Even at a busy I-Hop or Denny's or Waffle House, I can almost guarantee you that anybody possessing the skills required to hold down that demanding of a job is taking home anywhere between $10 and $15 per hour, on a year-round average. And if they're not, they're taking their skills somewhere else as soon as they can find a job opening.

My point is, that being an even barely competent server (much less a good, or great, one) requires training way beyond what your typical minimum-wage worker possesses. And if you're hoping to receive something maybe a little above "barely competent" service when you dine out, then you're expecting to be met by someone with a pretty developed set of skills, whether you realized this before now, or not.

Whether you're dining out with professionals whom you hope to impress, or a woman whom you plan to propose to over desert,  or just celebrating any special event with family and friends ... do you really want to "trust the details" to someone who can barely hold down a minimum wage job, and might not even be any good at it? Are you going to ask someone not old enough to drink what wine will go perfectly with the seasonings in your meal? And do you really think that someone taking home $200 per week will be able to offer you credible advice on which $30 or $50 entree is better?

Well, if your answer to these questions is "No" then I'm here for you. So are many others in my profession. We're glad to serve you, but we expect to be paid to let you tap into our superior knowledge.

To wit, just this week I waited on two separate couples who exemplify exactly what I'm driving home here.

The first ordered a $61 bottle of wine (a brand they were familiar with already) and I was able to compliment their selection and tell them things they didn't know about the product, and the winery, which they thought was neat. From that point on, they didn't view me as an hourly chump, but more akin to a professional whom they could trust for advice, simply because I immediately met them conversationally on their level - in this way, at least.

They'd never been to our place before, so they wanted some help deciding on food items. We conversed, and they ordered the appetizer I recommended (which they thought was divine) and both of their dinners were something I personally recommended as well, which they also loved. With a desert and cappuccino, their tab came to $174. Steep huh? But they appreciated my good service and guiding recommendations, and my ability to help them get what they wanted out of the night, and left me a $35 tip.

The second couple was familiar with our restaurant (been here once) and they started out with questions about their wine. They wanted white wine, probably a Chardonnay. I don't like many whites, but it's still my job to help them before they commit to the expense, right? Ergo, I start up the dance by asking "Do you like fuller-bodied wines, that are maybe oaky and buttery, or a more floral, fruit-forward taste? Well then, you should ..."

(Insert professional level consulting fee type of advice here.)

From there, it was a matter of helping them decide on dinners and pairing the best bottle of white wine that I thought would compliment their meal. They too both ordered what I recommended. We had some brief pleasant conversation on a few other topics, but this being their "date night" I knew to balance serving them well with making myself scarce so they could enjoy one another's company, instead of mine. That too, is a skill - we call it "reading your tables." The trick is to figure out as soon as possible exactly how much attention, conversation, and "presence" they'll want out of their waiter, and how much is too much. Get that wrong one way, and they're disappointed because you're not there enough. Get it wrong the other way and your waiter can be downright annoying, right?

Like if Fred were your waiter, he might've told you more than you really cared to know about the painful boil on his leg or his troubles getting a date for the prom.

Since that wasn't the case, this couple appreciatively left me a $30 tip on their $150 tab.

Win/win. Everyone's happy.

Now, at our income (and priorities), the Doxy Lady and I are not about to go out and drop $200 on a meal. Maybe you either, I don't know. My long-running joke goes "I make it a policy to only work at places I can't afford to eat at."

Nonetheless, there's plenty of people out there for whom spending that kind of money, routinely, when dining out, is no biggie. So here's my question : if they were met by Fred the minimum-wage waiter who is about 17-19 years old, would their dining experience have been anywhere near what they were hoping for when walking into our restaurant?

And how about you? Do you really want to see the world transformed into a place where every time you go out for a nice meal on the town, you are met by minimum-wage workers who can "take your order" but have no real clue on what to tell you about the food you're getting? Or probably less-than-average people skills, and customer service training? It's sad to me that by most official "classifications" waiting tables is defined as "un-skilled labor." It's true in some senses I know, but you've probably dined out enough yourself to realize that's not quite the whole truth either!

While you don't need a college degree to wait tables, you'll never do it well without lots of training, and experience, and finely-honed skill sets being developed. I write mainly in hopes of helping you to realize what the couples I told you about above, realize already - that great service has value and comes with a price. These couples respected this, and tipped accordingly.

Unlike the Frenchman I also waited on this week, who left me a quarter.

Arrogant snot.

I'll try to remember to tell you that story later, or the one about Didi who just last night got left $10 by some foreigners who ran up a $300 tab. I heard that she cried.

Which is a perfect segue to tackling the topic of the Auto-Grat - when the "tip" or gratuity is automatically added to your bill.

Given the last two examples above, I think you'll agree now that sometimes it just has to be done.

(Don't be left hanging!!

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P.S. - Sorry this took longer than anticipated to get out. An urgent matter demanded my attention over at my other blog.