When & Why I DO Tell People the Tip is Included

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While I didn't state such, previously, I was speaking to you largely from my mindset of 10 and 15 years ago.

This is partly because I began this most recent portion of the series with an example of my emotional reaction to a situation that happened while dining out with friends 15 years ago. I also know that I'm addressing experiences you yourself may have had in the past, as a diner who was not "told" (I mean verbally) that gratuity was included in your bill.

Additionally, I am well aware that I'm not telling you just my story anymore, but also the story of many other American waiters and waitresses. Not going out of our way to bring attention to an auto-grat is no doubt part of our collective history.

The times they a'changing however. My industry evolves over the years, as does what guests know and expect. I too have matured, and have been afforded years to try out many different angles while observing guests' reactions, and the net effect on my income that different approaches to various situations have. Of course there are no one-size-fits-all "magic bullets" to fire in given situations because all guests are different and the scenarios are always somewhat unique. Still, certain patterns become observable to us servers over time, and the more experience a waiter has, the more we tend to develop certain default actions and even "lines" to help assure professional behavior on our part, overall guest satisfaction (delight, even) on your part, and a steady, reliable income to us overall.

I might even say that the age of servers occasionally getting double-gratted has arguably come and gone. One does not have to be a sophisticated diner these days to know that auto-grats are quite common, and to be watching for them. In fact it's probably appropriate to say that many diners are somewhat on the defensive about this today - about the possibility of getting "taken" by what they feel could be a dishonest server - which I find completely understandable as well.

Heck, I know I am. That's part of why I always read the details of my check.

I also know that whether I'm waiting on 2 people or 20, one of the keys to me earning a great tip lies in distinguishing myself from the other 500 people who may have waited on you in your lifetime. There are many, many ways in which I try to do just this, as providing you with a unique and exceptional experience unlike any other time you've eaten out equals much more money in my bank account. At least it's supposed to anyways, but alas, you are the final arbiter of the bottom line, not I.

So in talking this over with many co-workers in recent years, and myself being in the position of laying down a large party's check routinely, I'm starting to default more and more to verbally disclosing to some guests when an auto-gratuity has been included. The trick for me lies partly in determining what type of guest you are, and whether or not doing so could be to my advantage, or not.

Read on to see if you qualify.

Last week I had the pleasure of waiting on a party of eleven in town from Chicago for an NFL game. The adults included (I'm guessing) two siblings in their late twenties or maybe early thirties, their spouses, five young children between them, and finally a more senior couple (i.e., the grandparents). The group had made a reservation (equalling "points" already - you'll see what I mean by that soon), and I of course knew I was going to receive an auto-grat because of size of the party.

Very early on, my fellow waiter "Gorgonzola" informs me that the eldest male (i.e., the grandfather) approached him on the way to the restroom, and asked my co-worker to convey to me that he was to receive the entire check. Moments later, at the table, the wise grandpa made eye contact with me and began to quietly ask me while I was at his end of the table "Hey, did ummm ...."

"Yes he did," I interrupted, nodding, and saying "You got it," thus ending the matter and assuring him that his instructions were understood and would be carried out, with neither he nor I bringing any more attention to the topic in front of everyone else. Obviously, if he had wanted to discuss the check in front of everyone else, he would not have approached Gorgonzola privately, so I did my best to settle the question for him discreetly as well, which I'm pretty sure he appreciated.

This by the way (going off-topic now) is hands-down one of the best ways to pick up a large check, if ever you are so inclined. Far too many waiters including myself are forced to undergo watching grown-up people fight and compete like complete imbeciles right in front of us when a check gets delivered at the end of a meal. As if you're honestly expecting the poor server to make the decision as to who pays, almost always ensuring we're making one person or another angry at us, while you continue to express transparently feigned bravado by taking it out on us as your friend/relative/associate pays the check, just as you really wanted.

So, if you're ever going to "insist" on picking up a check, I'd like to recommend that you either do exactly what this wise grandpa did and discreetly let your server (or another staffer) know your intent as early as possible, or just come out and say so out loud at the beginning of the meal. If a fight must break out over this issue, I'd rather you settle it as I'm walking away to get your drinks, rather than having to stand there at the end of your meal while you work it out.

But having found myself stuck in the middle of this exact situation too many times, my default rule for over 20 years has been "Whoever asks first gets the check." End of argument, and I won't involve myself any farther than that if you try to make me decide. There may be a little wiggle room for debate on a 2-top or other small table, where I might think twice and try to guess who seems more likely to tip well, but when there's an auto-grat involved, no way. I don't have time for ego-stroking or pissing contests amongst grown men. Having such a policy and sticking to it seems to be the only way I can remain professional and neutral in the debate, and not waste a lot of valuable time standing around at tables hearing all sides, or playing moderator to decide who has the better argument ("But they're our guests..." "No, they paid last time..." "Well it's a business expense, I can write it off...") Actually, if you're visiting guests or it's your birthday, I might let the other guys pick up your check, but generally speaking, if you want the check, you'd better be the first to speak up is all I'm saying. If you do so, and then someone else tries to later pick up the check, I'm going to get myself off the hook quick-like by saying simply "Actually, the check already been taken care of."

Like the young woman earlier this week at the bridal party of ten, who approached me privately (also while she'd allegedly excused herself to go to the restroom) and gave me her debit card to hold, to pay the entire bill with. Near the end of the meal, I slipped it to her under the table - literally - and the matter was over and done with, without me ever revealing her identity to the group, which was exactly what she intended. They all objected at first, wanting to pay separately, then of course tried very hard to badger out of me who had paid, but I wouldn't budge, saying only "It's already been taken care of, by an anonymous benefactor." Since the check was auto-gratted, I didn't even try to have her to sign it (just told the manager the situation), yet I was delightfully surprised at how she later made a separate sneak trip to the hostess stand to do so, adding an additional $30 for me.

That kids, is HOW you pick up a check - by being discreet and classy, opposed to obnoxious and showy, or putting us hourly chumps in the position of making such decisions for you. If you are the person making the reservation, you could settle it right then if you desire, and odds are your instructions will be carried out.

Otherwise, speak up first or hand your card to a staffer early on, if you are genuinely insisting on picking up the check for the entire group. But please keep us out of it otherwise.

Hmmm, again I digress... I was talking about reasons I would disclose the auto-grat. Sorry for the mini-lecture.

Anyways, back to the 11-top family. The very fact that grandpa took the time to find a staffer - early on - told me right off that this wasn't his first rodeo, as the old saying goes. He's dined out enough in his life to know how to pick up a check correctly (the points continue to build ...)

Also quite relevant to this story, one of the sons (or sons-in-law, I'm not sure) ordered a $110 bottle of Pinot Noir right off the bat, while we were discussing appetizers. The table did obviously default to him as their group's wine expert, so I didn't initially think much of this at first. Given all that we offer, he made a quite excellent choice of wines in fact.

Later however (well after I'd assured grandpa that he would get the check) Sonny-Boy asks me for another bottle of the same wine. At that point I have to glance over at grandpa, who doesn't wince, bat an eye, or suffer a heart attack at the seeming extravagance of the bill he was going to be picking up. This told me a great deal, as well as the fact that grandpa let - encouraged me actually - to keep pouring him a very large glass of this yummy good stuff (possibly setting the stage for a third $110 bottle to be needed).

Lest I forget, the behavior of the children (all under age ten, I'd wager) told me perhaps more about this table (OOPS - I mean this "group" of people ;) than all of the adults combined. They said "please" and "thank you." They remained seated, and were not loud, nor messy. The parents were respectful of my time by expediting the ordering process and ordering for their children, but when necessary, the children spoke to me, and quite clearly. When they wanted something, they asked me politely, and they waited patiently. One little girl really didn't like the meal we served her, and she told me so, herself, and she graciously accepted the alternative I offered her, then waited several minutes for it to arrive without making any fuss at all.

One little boy wanted more salt and pepper on his noodles, and there was just something in the way he said it that made me willing to move heaven and earth to bring it to him. Whenever I asked the children, individually, at different times throughout the meal, if they were done with their plates, they answered me kindly, one way or another. I'd be hard-pressed to say whether I've ever been more amazed by or enjoyed serving any group of children in my entire career in fact. I'm kind of tearing up now, even just thinking about them...

Back to the point of this posting, the grandfather exhibited generosity to his family, a polite and respectful demeanor towards myself and our entire staff, and apparently he was not at all concerned about the expense of the outing. In short, he was not just the typical a foodie whom we generally love to wait on, but the ideal customer whom we all dream of serving. He more than fit the exact profile of those whom I've observed might be inclined to tip much better than 20%, if he felt that my service was indeed excellent.

Of course I auto-gratted anyways. Even though my service was excellent in this case, I don't take such risks anymore, having learned the hard way. I'll always claim my "minimum gratuity" when I know that I've earned it, and keep working even harder to get some extra Awesome Sauce smothered on top.

Presenting the check went off without a hitch, and without any argument from his family (back 100% on-topic now, this was an important cue to me, that apparently they were expecting, or accustomed, to this from him). So at the end when I'm returning his card and vouchers to sign, right when he's making eye contact to receive it from me, I speak the words "Our service charge is itemized on the bill, for your review" and thank him by name, and the entire group once again for choosing our restaurant and invite them to please return and ask for me by name if they get the opportunity.

After all I just said earlier .. "Why would I do that? you might ask.

It was a simple matter of taking note of all of the observable cues I'd witnessed about the fact that he and his entire group were very experienced restaurant diners. I knew good and well that he knew good and well that gratuity was going to be included on a table of that size, because apparently he's eaten out more than once or twice since the 1950's. He knows about auto-grats, and if anything I'm guessing is true, he's eaten at even nicer places than mine and doesn't worry about the expense.

So dealing with such a sophisticated diner, I took one last opportunity to distinguish myself from the 500 other waiters he's had before me, and did the exact opposite of what he's observed over the years - waiters hoping he wouldn't notice the auto-grat and taking him for a fool, trying to get double-bumped.

Gorgonzola and I discussed our mutual strategy that very evening. In situations like this, we both know that we stand to gain a lot more - both in respect from our guests and in financial reward - by verbally disclosing auto-grats to more sophisticated diners. We're both betting that the guest will view us as "stand up fellows" for doing so, and that their respect for us will transfer to the bottom line of the voucher.

In this case it did. The bill was over $700, the auto-grat was $132, and the gentleman wrote in an additional $35 (totalling over $900, and equalling roughly a 25% tip). Maybe he would have tipped extra anyways, but in this case, my verbal disclosure of the auto-grat was just one more little way of icing the cake, showing him that I'm the kind of guy that someone like him can truly appreciate being served by, and he's the kind of guy who showed it.

Exactly as I was betting on.

It's not that you have to be in the routine of picking up $900 tabs to be treated well by average waiters or waitresses, by the way. No, not at all. Sometimes rich people are among our least favorite customers to wait on in fact, and can be among the worst tippers as well. When you go out to eat...

Nah, this has been long enough already. More about how we judge you and some tips on how to be treated well by wait-staff regardless of how much you're spending or tipping, next time.

"Why Didn't You Tell Us The Tip Was Included?"

"Indeed, the tip was included, you ignoble savage."

I love it when a table asks me this!

How *I* handle that question is way below, but first ...

Back to Petunia, that no good such-and-such who asks outloud in front of everybody else at the table "Is the tip included?" It probably seemed quite harsh of me, months ago, when I wrote to you that when Petunia asks this, I have to "politely refrain from punching her in the face."

Not that I ever would, but for that second, the impulse to do so does rise up within me, and most other servers as well. All of the ones I've personally asked, or spoken to, about this, that is, I mean. Ever. I can't say that I speak for us all though.

You see people, it's like this: just once on every third blue moon or so, we will still today wait on a larger table who somehow doesn't notice that gratuity was in fact included on their bill, and they'll tip us AGAIN on top of the final amount. The technical term for this rare occurrence would be "Double-grat" but more commonly most of us might just say "Yes! I got Double-bumped!"

It's like Christmas and your birthday and a winning Lotto ticket all rolled up into one. If the credit card voucher were a football, we'd spike it.

Once again my sincere thanks to you Dear Reader for having come with me this far. On top of all the instances that you've to-date graciously taken the time to hear me out on - nevermind the foreigners - do you have any idea how many 60 and 70 year-old women I've had to kiss on the mouth on their birthdays in my line of work? And speaking for my female friends and co-workers, how many times they've been grabbed, pinched, and slapped on the butt as an un-enjoyable yet routine part of their profession?

The indignities certain people inflict upon us while we execute what should otherwise be a simple matter of bringing you your food and drink are occasionally beyond belief.

Not himself prone to whining, David Hayden writes "Serving will give you reason to doubt yourself, your restaurant and your guests. Your very faith in humanity will inevitably be called into question. Some nights you will have a hard time finding a reason to smile. Waiting tables is a difficult profession, and there will be shifts where all signs point to you walking out with empty pockets... The only way to be a great server is to be optimistic anyway." - Tips Squared : Tips for Improving Your Tips

90% of the time (depending upon where one works I'd say) things go fine and most of us "somewhat to sincerely" enjoy our work and our interactions with the guests we wait on. Then there are times when we put up with various types of abuse and almost don't care, because we're getting paid. You can run us back and forth, speak rudely to us, perhaps grab and grope us, and we will still speak well of you and perhaps even fight and finagle our way to wait on you when you return, so long as you tip us well. We're whores and we know it, and how you tip is the only criteria by which we judge you.

Conversely, if you are nice as can be and tell us "You're the best server I've ever had..." (the dreaded "verbal tip" we call it, because we know that's almost a sure sign of a bad tip to come) we will rat you out to other wait-staff telling them to not waste their time giving you their best service, and many will curse out loud when you are seated in their sections, if you tip in the 10-15% range routinely.

(Actually, I won't personally rat you out if you tip poorly. I've matured, I know it might have been me or a mistake I made, and I think every guest deserves to be treated well without their server being pre-disposed to ignore them. I also view it as a challenge when a server tells me this right before I approach a table, and I'll tell you now that I've been rewarded many times for doing so with a good tip and an astonished look from the server who's attitude apparently played more into how that particular guest tipped them "the last time." Speaking in generalities though, if you're a bad tipper, word will get out to the staff, just fyi.)

But if we get paid, we'll suppress or somehow deal with our emotions when people are awful. But to deal with the downsides of our worst customers on a (non-gratted) table of four for example, then to find out that you got drunk and left without filling out and signing your credit or debit voucher - or walked out of the restaurant with the TOP COPY that you did fill out, leaving us the bottom one blank and with no tip at all for our hard work - can dang near break our spirits into tiny shards, at times.

So of all of the times when we literally lose money for having waited on you, and the times where we have no income to show for our work, we (the survivors among us, I mean) suppress all normal, healthy, human reactions to these instances and just breathe deeply when these things happen, in order to hold on to our sanity and our jobs ...

"How do we do that?" you might ask...

By saying to ourselves "It all evens out on the end..."

So here's the newsflash - that rare day when somehow, someone, actually double-tips us - is in fact THE WAY that it finally evens out for us! We've been consoling ourselves - and one another - over and over that things will even out for us, and today's the day it finally did!

Not even numerically mind you, just emotionally.

This is the moment when we finally look up to the heavens and declare "There's justice in the world after all! Yes! Yes!! YES!!! There IS a God! And He hasn't forgotten me!!!"

Okay before you judge me, first off it's not like we lied, cheated, or deceived you to make this happen, okay? Generally speaking, we just did our job and obeyed company policy while doing so. Of course we're secretly hoping it will happen every time we lay down the check, sure. But auto-gratting has become so commonplace today, that getting double-bumped rarely happens today. In the old days, you might not have caught that a tip, or an "auto-grat" (as I've been calling it) or a "Service Charge" (as it's now becoming referred to) was indeed worked into your bill. So maybe you're still angry about that one time, from years back. I understand.

Yes, I am aware that restaurant checks of the past somehow managed to obfuscate this detail, and that back before computers some server might've gotten away with illegibly scribbling this detail on your check in hopes that you'd miss it, and that 10 or 15 years ago, you might've gotten taken.

But the way it is today, every restaurant has heard your cries, taken your angry phone calls the next day, fired the parties responsible if and when you were indeed duped, doesn't want to receive any more such phone calls, and today, makes sure that any auto-grat or service charge that may apply was disclosed both up-front when the reservation (?) was made, and then again in easy-to-understand ways on your check and then (at most places) even once again on your credit/debit voucher, so that REALLY Petunia, it's totally on you if you somehow still miss it.

So don't be a Petunia. At least read your bill before asking the question out loud, willya?

Put simply, when an auto-grat has been included, this information is readily available on your check. If you don't see an auto-grat or service charge itemized however, then I'd say you're free to ask, just to keep yourself from getting taken. That's definitely fair, I'm just asking that you look before asking.

Petunias are almost never the ones picking up large checks for an entire table anyways. Petunias rear their head mainly when it's a group with separate checks. Just as the server is sneaking away after laying down those checks, she pipes up with "Is the tip included?" dashing our hopes - however miniscule they may be - of getting a few extra dollars and perhaps a much-needed emotional rush from the one person at the table who missed that detail. Petunia may think she's gaining favor with her friends, but as I've detailed, there are almost certainly one or two people dining with her who are going to think much less of her for years to come.

Now, many of us servers have all played around with creative ways to answer you if you ask "Is the tip included?" that perhaps won't reveal our disappointment, while still angling for a little more, if you happen to be so inclined (and many people are, believe it or not).

About fifteen years ago for instance, I heard my past co-worker TIMMY keep a straight face while smoothly answering "Yes ma'am. The 15% minimum. You're allowed to leave more though, if you feel that my service was better than the minimum."

To which I thought "Note to Self : Steal that line!"

Another co-worker, Pistachio, had taken his schmoozing and levels of shamelessness to new heights by often delivering his perfectly rehearsed "Yes ma'am, the 18% minimum service charge has been included, which is split up between the bartenders, busboys, food-runners, hostess staff and myself, but there's a line there for you to include additional gratuity if you thought the service was exceptional, and that would be all mine to keep. While it's of course not required, it is always appreciated." I don't know how he managed to spit all of that out of his big cheesy-mustached-toothy grin so regularly - and I almost can't believe he never got fired for such a spiel - but I can tell you that he did receive extra gratuity about three out four times he said it. Good luck trying that one out my fellow servers, and do so at your own risk.

My answer nowadays usually falls somewhere between the two, depending upon my read of the person asking, my own assessment of how well I served them, how I feel at the moment, and just how much self-respect I'm willing to sacrifice for a possible five or a hundred more dollars in "Additional Gratuity."

So these are the types of things we've invented as our own little "auto-replies" when asked. Of course we're hoping you don't ask, and now you know why we don't go out of our way usually to tell you that the tip has been included (unless the restaurant's policy requires us to - that's a different story). We're simply kind of hoping that today will be our special day. Multiple bad experiences over many years prior have made many of us jaded enough to where we don't feel even one bit bad about this. And I'm sorry for that, but hey times are tough; if you can afford to eat where I work, I'm just not that inclined to feel a lot of sympathy for your financial situation.

All of this of course is my "long answer" to the original question which I'm disclosing to you as my reader, but none of this is anything akin to what I'd tell you as my customer. If you were to look up and ask me as my customer "Why didn't you tell us the tip was included?" ... well, when that happens, for me, it's showtime.

First, I will attempt to let all of the blood rush from my face, in hopes of turning completely white in front of you, as my eyes grow wide. Then, I will appear genuinely shocked - hurt, even - at the question. (All of this in less than two seconds.) Then, regaining my composure, I summon my best Alfred the Butler impression and say simply ...

"Well... Sir ... (I cough, shake my still-reeling head a bit, and then lower my voice so that the neighbors won't hear how you're embarrassing yourself, and continue) "...At any place I've ever worked it's grounds for termination for me to mention the tip in ANY fashion. We're not permitted to bring up the topic with guests in any way. But the service charge is stated on the menu, and it's itemized again on your bill to make sure you know this. And I'm glad to answer any questions, but me bringing it up is in really poor taste, and might even get me fired."

Which usually shuts the ignoble savage right up.

The ones it doesn't shut up all say that same thing - "Well, I woulda tipped you more if you hadn't included the tip already." And you already know my answer to that one.

If you're new to this site feel free to catch up by reading Part 1 - Part 2 - Part 3 - Part 4 - Part 5 - Part 6 and Part 7 on tipping and auto-gratuity, and subscribe to this blog for the final installments.