Well, the UFO is out of the bag

"Mike" - The General Manager - calls me around 9:00am.

"Hey Guy, hope I didn't wake you..." Yeh, he did.

There's a big convention in town, he thinks it's going to be busy, and wants me to come into work, altho I'm not scheduled.

I think you already know my answer.

Three hours later, I go to the office to clock in. Oddly, Mike greets me with "HEY, Ive been watching you! I have a couple of questions for ya ..."

What?!? Watching me work?? What'd I do wrong?? Am I in trouble? This is creepy.

".. about Operation Paperclip" he concludes.

Oh-h-h-h-h-h-h-h. He's "been watching me" ... on DVD, I realize.

For MOST readers of this blog - who are also my FB friends - you already know that I'm (ahem) "best-known" NOT for my writings about restaurant work, of course. I'm best-known - internet-fame-wise - for my decidedly alternative alternative views on UFOs and "aliens" - Sorry if this reading is the first you've heard of this.

But long story short, I moved here to Orlando FL after over a decade of living in the very small but also very famous city of Roswell, New Mexico, where I was a sort of an activist. Mike knew this when he hired me - that I'm some sort of expert on the topic in general, and on the 1947 Roswell Incident in particular.

Without directly asking, he has occasionally expressed some sort of interest in finding out what I know (maybe just to figure me out a little better, now that I've been working here almost six months, and am kind of moving up - easy to do when so many others are getting fired, haha). I finally took the hint and recently gave him a DVD of me lecturing on the topic.

That's where this post begins. I'm in the office with him, and he's pretty enthusiastic about my research. We're not alone however. The office manager/bartender (one of our six bartenders) "Joon" is also in there, and she's hearing all of this information about me for the first time. Mike punches up my website to show her. She's intrigued, especially given that her boyfriend "Benny" (also a bartender here) turns out, is an alien enthusiast. She, on the other hand, doesn't believe in aliens.

Skipping around a bit, I brought her a DVD in the next day, and when I left from our lunch shift she tells me that she and her fiance were going to watch it together that night. That's kind of an odd feeling, knowing that a young engaged couple has decided to spend their Friday night "watching me."

I'll tell ya what's an even odder feeling.. knowing that after this weekend I'm going to start being known once again as "that guy" around work. For the last eleven years in Roswell, my co-workers and repeat customers - even tourists - have known me as such. Frankly, I've greatly enjoyed not being known as "that guy" for the last six months.

"There's that guy who knows everything about UFOs and aliens."
"Talk to the bartender. He's the guy who can tell you the most about the Roswell crash."
"He's that guy who got abducted by aliens."
"Shhhh, it's that guy who doesn't believe in aliens."
"That guy was on the History Channel show about aliens."

Sigh. Insert favorite rumor, fact, or random misunderstanding here. As you might imagine, it's the kind of thing a guy could use a break from.

It's not that I mind fulfilling my calling or anything, nor the peripheral stuff that comes with it. It's just that when you're trying to focus on doing your regular job, and doing it well, such can become distracting. Annoying even. Worse, the conversations that immediately evolve from answering such inquiries almost always strike straight to the heart of people's religious and/or political beliefs. I've found that - while sometimes fruitful, no doubt - well, one's work is not always the the best place to have such conversations.

Knowing that a manager (who speaks enthusiastically about this singular aspect of my work) and that now two bartenders have all watched the video ... and at minimum are aware that I have "a" website, it probably won't be long before someone Googles me, or follows the link from that website to my others.

And then I'll be "that guy" at this job too.

I'm comforted however in knowing that at least this all came out slowly - after everyone has had ample time to form an opinion of me. They already have an opinion of me based on my work ethic, abilities, knowledge, friendliness, teamwork, etc, SO I think they have a good enough foundation to perhaps maybe NOT think of me as a total lunatic given this new information about me.

Also, it's among my best work that they're viewing at present, and is extremely well-documented, meticulously researched, and overall, quite ... sane ... given the field I'm associated with. At least (up to this point) for this go-round, I have additionally been the one in control of just what information about me got out - first, anyways. Once the bigger picture begins to emerge (and be misquoted, mis-speculated and gossiped about from people too scared to ask me direct questions) then I imagine some future conversations at work could be a little awkward for some - assuming anyone even cares, that is.

"Okay let me get this straight. You were abducted by aliens, but you don't believe in aliens? You write and speak and go on TV and have websites about UFOs, but you don't think they're from outer space? And just what's all this got to do with religion anyways?"

Those of you so inclined, please pray for my co-workers. It's not like I go into work all guns blazing with an agenda to speak of these things, but if they ask, well-l-l-l...

It turned out not to be busy by the way - the shift that I got called in for. Mike let me go in less than thirty minutes, and bought me lunch as well for coming in. Mmmmmm, free Kobe beef burger, a good review on my DVD, and the opportunity to share it with others. Not being financially profitable aside, that's still a good day.

Given their diametrically opposing views on the alien topic, I'm kind of interested to see what Benny and Joon have to say when I see them next. Expereince tells me that it won't be a short conversation, and that work usually is not the best place for it to occur. I imagine a lunch date may be in order to work this all out with them.

In the office last Friday, Mike also told Joon that the people in Roswell were probably glad to see me go. Well not all were of course, but yeh, some were, no doubt.

Now that the UFO is out of the bag, it remains to be seen how Orlando will feel about my arrival.

***
P.S. So what's the controversy, you ask? What is my DVD about? Watch it online, at http://www.TheInvisibleBattle.com

86 Jake -or- How To Fire A Waiter

How to fire a waiter

It's a Spring-Time FIRING SPREE Jamboree!        

You might remember that I reported to you that my co-worker Ruby got fired recently. Well, not two days later, another co-worker (Jake, whom I've mentioned to you already) got fired as well. 

Only this time, they were gunning for him.

Without going into detail, Jake had fallen out of favor recently by challenging a manager's integrity on something relating to his (Jake's) income. Turned out Jake was wrong with his inquiry (i.e., accusation) and in a very step-by-step way that I've seen happen once or twice before, management was just waiting to have enough on him to 86 him - without having to deal with a possible labor dispute, a "wrongful termination" suit, or pay him unemployment, or whatever.

I'm not going into whether my bosses really needed to take things to the extreme of firing the guy or not. Such is not my call to make, altho I do have my own private thoughts on the matter. I just thought you might enjoy reading about precisely *how* a waiter or waitress can be marked, targeted, then fired in an overall planned-out 1-2-3 way, when the company really doesn't have anything strong enough (like stealing; customer complaint of rudeness or incompetence) as the reason to let a server go.

In fact, I remember when working in Roswell New Mexico, our corporate president attended one of our employee meetings and for whatever reason the topic of firing people came up. He jokingly lamented to us how "Back in the good old days you could fire someone just as soon as look at them. But nowdays, you have to document everything: It's a real pain in ass ..." he said.

What he means is that nowadays - in corporate restaurants anyways - you really need to have a series of corrective write-ups and written warnings "on file" to prove that this person deserved to be let go. Otherwise, the state's labor board or perhaps your company's human resources department was going to come down on you.

Once - again while working Monday-Friday nights bartending at Cattle Baron - we were beginning to suspect some trouble with the weekend bartender, and a manager specifically came and asked  me whether I'd be willing to cover his shifts for a short period while they replaced him, if they could find a reason to fire him. (I knew they were looking for a reason to do so, based on suspicion of wrong-doing, but he'd not been caught.) So, I've seen the "pre-meditated firing when you really don't have an easily defensible airtight reason to fire someone" scenario played out before. Usually the three-strikes-you're-out rule comes into play - if someone gets written up three times for any reason - even trivial and unconnected reasons - they can be legitimately dismissed. 

So anyways I think where I work now looks at things the same way, and plays by the same rules.

Back to Jake. Well, the way I heard it (from him, btw) is that he did something that was arguably within his rights, and that almost any server might have done if we'd found ourselves in the same position. It caused the managers to unfriend him and so the process begins.

I've told you before how servers here need a manager's permission for things like smoking when it's slow, or ordering something to eat out of the way while on the clock, for instance. Welll, like most places I've worked, rules like that are sort of arbitrary as it turns out. It depends on exactly what policies are being enforced any given week. It often depends on your standing at the restaurant, or whether a particular manager likes you or not, whether little infractions like this can become serious trouble for you. 

For instance, Server A could come in two minutes late and (depending on his/her track record or combined with the above) be written up for it, while Server B can be five minutes late on the exact same shift, and greeted warmly by the same manager. Just standard work politics as I'm sure you've seen before. In our line of work, slight, or occasional, tardiness is most often met with a verbal "Glad you could join us today" if even that. A verbal warning, at the most severe, unless you're a habitual offender. Or a write-up if they're gunning for you. I once saw a guy fired for eating a cracker off of the salad bar without paying for it, for that matter. For reals.

Well, one night about a week before he was dismissed, Jake started going to the back for a smoke - without seeking permission - and a little earlier than is the norm in fact, as he told it to me anyways. A certain chef who was "in the know" yelled at him "What are you doing?!? Don't you know you're on the radar?"

"On the radar ..." words I hope I never hear. (Edit/update. Been there, done that, got the scar.) It means the chef knew the managers were just looking for a reason now. Any reason. Jake was a dead man walking from there.

A couple of days later he tells me he got written up. "For what?" I ask.

"For having a (tobacco) dip in (his mouth) while setting up the patio tables." 

I know "Ewwwwww." you may be thinking. (Like smoking wasn't already bad enough. It was the norm then tho child.) This however is a story less about what's right or wrong tho, and more about how you only get in trouble for things when they decide they don't like you. 

Just so you know, setting up the patio is a duty performed outside before the restaurant is open, and there's no customers around yet. He explained to me that he has done so for the entire year+ that he's worked there, that he doesn't spit, and that no manager has ever said a word about it - good, bad or corrective. Nope, not even a verbal "Ew. That's gross. Don't do that." Never. 

And today he got written up for it. Mmm-hmmm.

That's what "being on the radar" means tho. Everything you do is suddenly under scrutiny, and subject to being challenged. In writing. He got written up for doing something that he'd never been corrected for in over a year's time of employment. DUDE ... that's when you should know it's time to start putting in applications elsewhere ...

A couple of days later I'm about to leave from my lunch shift and I see Jake come in, and then start looking for a manager because his name is not on the "floor plan" (a chart filled in at the hostess stand every day, usually by the manager-on-duty which tells servers what sections they'll be taking that shift). It happens. Usually this is no biggie ... most likely a human error of reading the schedule wrongly ... whatever.

But unlike most times, where Jake would have just gone to the manager and had things rewritten, I witnessed the manager all tactfully say to him "Hey, can I borrow you in the office for a minute?" 

Done. I know it, whether Jake does or not. I had just left the office thirty seconds ago upon clocking out, and knew that our top manager was still in the office. I do the math .. Jake's not on the floor plan, and is being called into the office with two managers present. That tells me one manager is there to serve as a witness that whatever goes down in there gets done in a professional manner.

I walk outside and sit down, away from the restaurant's front door, but on what I am presuming will be Jake's long walk to the sidewalk. Another server on her way in to work - whom I'll call Briskette for the sake of blogging, as you know is my custom - plops down beside me and asks why I'm hanging around. 

I tell her what I just saw, and that I'm hanging around to give Jake (who doesn't drive - DUI) a ride home, in case today turns out to be "worst day ever" for him. We both know that for Jake getting into and home from work is an ordeal involving bummed rides, cabs and busses, so at least on this day, I didn't want him to have to deal with the additional unplanned hassle.

A minute later, from afar, we see Jake being walked outside by the same manager who "borrowed him" into the office. Jake's posture and body language indicate to both of us that he's still appealing something. Briskette snaps her head in my direction gasping "WOW! You blankety-blank called that one, didn't you?!"

I'm sorry to say, I did. We both get up to avoid being seen by the manager, she goes into work and I head for the parking lot, stopping just outside of the restaurant's line of sight. Jake eventually turns the corner, and the fact that I'm there waiting for him tells him I already know.

Turns out that last night he went to smoke four minutes before the allowed time, got written up for it, and this was now his third strike (he tells me of a previous write-up in his file from months earlier). I ask were there already others back there too, and he says "three people." I know the game ... none of them got written up for it, just him. 

Last thing he tells me when I'm dropping him off twenty minutes later is that the manger told him "Don't talk to anyone on your way out ..." 

Great. D'oh! 

I imagine Briskette walking into work with the gossip of how I "blankety-blank called that one" and now I've probably inadvertently aligned myself in the manager's eyes with the out-of-favor exile, by giving him a ride and hearing his version of events - which they didn't want any of us to hear. 

Twenty-one minutes too late, I shoot Briskette a quick text telling her to please not tell the story, in hopes of not falling out of favor myself. 

In hopes of staying off the radar.

Bleep My Waiter Says - "What do you do for Birthdays?" Part 2

"What Do You Do for Birthdays?"

Hey sorry no bloggie lately. Been busy.

Busy dropping off resumes, that is...

Yeh, things have slowed down considerably where I work. Our "season" is drawing to a close, and there's not as much money to be made here right now. For instance, I earned $6 for a whole shift earlier this week. So, while I don't intend to quit, I kind of am in the market for a part-time second job right now. We'll see how that goes.

ANYWAYS ... As you might remember from my last post, I got asked by an 11-year-old boy "What do you do for birthdays?" Just wanted to share with you how neat it was for me to hear what came out of my mouth, especially in comparison to what has in the past traditionally been my attitude about this question (as detailed in Part 1). I answered him,

"Awww man! We set off fireworks.. Then dancing hula girls come out and sing to you!

"And THEN, Regis Philbin comes out and starts asking you questions FOR MONEY! How cool is that?!?"

Yes, I literally said all that.. and said it just like that, right off the top of my head. Odd, huh?

Well the little boy didn't really know what to think, and just stared at me, blinking. But his parents thought it was hilarious! And tipped me awesomely too. (I'm just glad they didn't call me on the offer.)

I've never answered this question in anyway remotely like this tho. Usually that question can be met by myself with the correct answer to the question (free cake, singing, balloons, whatever) but with a tone that sounds like I'm really saying "just another day in paradise" or perhaps "time to make the donuts."

But as I've mentioned previously, this starting over waiting tables, and this place, have been good for me, sometimes drawing out forgotten or unknown reserves. Unlike so many other times in my career, I don't hate my job, I don't hate my customers, and I don't hate my life. At least not yet.

So why that answer worked so well, I think, is simply because rather than non-verbally communicating to my guests how boring and routine "a birthday table" was for me, I instead made a sincere effort to match his level of excitement and enthusiasm about the whole thing. (If you're a server, a salesperson, or a person who ever has to deal with other human beings, there might even be a sort of lesson for you in there by the way.)

I can see myself using that line again in the future (and I do have my "lines") but ONLY if I can do so by sincerely matching my guest's excitement. If you are a server, feel free to steal the line in fact.. but do so cautiously. The danger to you and me in using such a reply would be that it will crash like a led zeppelin if there's even a hint of sarcasm or same-old-boring-routine-ness in the voice when saying it. Without some genuine enthusiasm, that same line could be genuinely offensive to people, and get you in trouble.

Here, try it out yourself to see what I mean. Let's pretend you're my server. I'M going to ask YOU "What do you do for birthdays?" and I want you to answer as I did, OUTLOUD, but I want you to sound either bored, or like you're dripping with sarcasm when you reply.

Ready? Come on, it'll be fun. Let's do it.

"Hey reader, "What do you do for birthdays?"

Say it outloud for me now :

"We set off fireworks.. 

OUTLOUD .. !

"We set off fireworks. Then dancing hula girls come out and sing to you. And THEN, Regis Philbin comes out and starts asking you questions FOR MONEY! How cool is that?!?"

So, did you say it sarcastically? 

If so, then you just got stiffed.

"What Do You for Birthdays?"

We hate hearing this question. Really, we do.

The waiter only *looks* like he's getting into this. Trust me.

It's nothing personal of course, so please don't let the way I'm setting this up ever deter you from going out on your birthday, or even from asking the question. Heck, come sit in my section even. For the sake of this entry, I need to disclose that this is me at perhaps my snottiest, by the way. I'm not really like this anymore, but no lie, I used to be.

It's just that we servers have had quite a few bad experiences related to birthdays, and especially to this very question. I'll explain in a moment. The point of this entry however is that I actually answered this question this week in a way I never have before. But I need to continue what I was saying to set it up first, so maybe you can share with me why my answer today was even "blog-worthy."

This is becoming another two-parter, btw.

Servers are - by and large - a pretty jaded lot. The fact that we are in a restaurant every day has a way of making us forget that you are not. Without meaning to tho, we begin to develop this unconscious attitude problem that makes us believe that we "restaurant people" are better than anybody else, simply because we know more about the place we work than you do. We know where the bathrooms are, for instance. We know what we do for birthdays too, and if you don't know the answer to these *simple* questions... well then, that just makes you stupid, doesn't it? There's additionally something snobby in many of us that almost defaults to thinking "Well, if you'd called ahead and actually PLANNED this special occasion out a bit, you'd already know the answer to that question, now wouldn't you?"

Not really cool, is it? Yeh, we're jerks with bad attitudes sometimes. Sorry.

For us, it's often like the Pavlovian dog scenario tho. Believe it or not, the inexperience about our place of work (or dining out, in general) which you demonstrate when you ask this question immediately takes us back to numerous and certain other painful experiences.

We LOVE our regulars, don't get me wrong. If you're a regular, who planned a birthday dinner out, made a reservation and asked for a server by name (!) then You.. Are.. Golden! 99% of the time, I think most servers will go out of their way to make the event super-special for you and your guests. The fact that you already know where the bathrooms are and that we're not going to have to answer either of those questions only adds to how looking forward we are to seeing you.

But those that just randomly ask us table-side "What do you do for birthdays.....?" are usually a different story.

Aside from not being "part of our world" (Strike One) the question itself implies to many of us - based solely on past experiences - implies... well... "cheapness." The phrase "You don't get out much," thankfully fails to fall from most of our lips at this point. Again, it's not personal, it's just that past experience SUGGESTS to us that you're perhaps the kind of people who mainly come out to eat only on Valentine's Day, Mothers' Day, maybe New Years' Eve, and yes especially on birthdays and anniversaries. Oh, and maybe whenever you have a coupon.

("Not that there's anything wrong with that" (as Seinfield said). Any of that I mean. Heck, the Doxy Lady and I - IF we think we can afford to eat out - are most likely going somewhere on our next anniversary that we have a coupon for, in fact. And if you're a server reading this, don't judge me. We just moved, and times are tight.)

It's just that we love our regulars, and we love our "foodies" - those people with lots of disposable income who eat out one or two or three times or more per week. (Not that I am in this category, by any means. But it's who we like to wait on the best.)

We love these types because we're fairly sure we're going to be tipped well, first of all (and that's the only reason we're here.. same as your job... We're not generally here because we woke up and decided to make random strangers' lives all the happier today. We're just here to make money. Same as you at your job).

Foodies.. regulars... these are people who generally know how to tip, and - perhaps as importantly - know how to be waited on. They'll be patient, for example, if they can look around and see when we're busier than usual. They'll take that into account, and not judge us quite so harshly, when and if service seems to be slower than usual. On slower shifts, they'll ask us about our lives, if they've seen us before. They'll say nice things about us to the managers on their way out too. In short, they make our lives a little more pleasant, and our jobs just a little more easier. I of course know that making our lives better are not why most of you come out .. but for some guests, let's just say that for their server, such is often the net result of them coming out to eat.

Not so, the average walk-in birthday table. No, you're probably going to make our life harder in fact, partly because when you ask that question I started this with .. we discern that there's a 50% chance that you're probably not so much asking "How are you going to make our night extra special?" No, better than half the time, what you're really asking is "What are we going to get from you for free tonight?"

Steeee-Rike Two.

Infinitely worse, built into the question is the expectation that you want all of us waiters to gather around your table, and sing to the birthday person, right?

Strike Nine. You're out. Get out. We hate you with a passion.

It's not that we're not hoping to make your event special, by any means. But if you've been reading this blog any length of time, you've already seen me describe to you two or three "typical days" where we're so stressed and busy, and how often it is that being thrown off of our plans or routines by even eight seconds can make our lives just SO BAD, right?

Not your problem, I know. But the birthday song tho .. throws 4 or 5 or 10 waiters off by several minutes usually. One server starts running around saying "I need birthday singers." Oh crap. Time to hide if you've not already been gathered up in some corner waiting for the desert to be prepared, enough servers to be stopped mid-stream, and the birthday person to get back from the bathroom. You want to hide, walk away, or just get back to waiting on your own tables, but you can't. You know good and well that you might need that same server you walked away from 30 minutes ago to sing for you when one of your tables has a birthday.

So we just let our own tables (and tips?) suffer while "the moment" finally comes together. Some uber-snotty waiter comments that if the birthday person had any real friends to sing to them, we wouldn't even be in this situation right now.

Yes okay, that's crass, and I'm not like that myself. Anymore. But I've heard such a comment more than once as a server.

Again, don't let it deter you, and don't feel sorry for those that must occasionally sing for a living. The older, better, more mature me says "Just remember why YOU came out tonight, and what you're here to celebrate and paying for." Really, that's me.

I've worked both in places that do, and places that don't, sing "Happy Birthday" by the way. Things go smoother in the latter, and the upshot to you as a diner is that if you're out on a Friday night hoping for a nice intimate evening, your night doesn't get interrupted every thirty minutes by "the birthday song." Plus, your waiter is probably there for you more often than if you were eating at someplace that does sing Happy Birthday to everyone who asks.

So anyways... present day again. This 11-year-old kid asks me "What do you do for birthdays?"

All things considered, my answer surprised me.

Please return for Part 2 of this for another "Bleep My Waiter says" blog entry.

Oh just a quick aside. You might find it funny to know that my singing voice is so bad, that I have personally been banned by the wait-staff at not one, not two, but three separate restaurants from singing Happy Birthday. My pitch is just that awful, and throws everybody else off. They usually tell me "Don't sing Guy. Just stand there and clap."

True story.