Tip or Stay Home

Part of my series on why we're expected to tip waiters and waitresses when dining in a restaurant. It's a touchy subject, so please read Part 1 & Part 2 before continuing.

While I can't accurately call it a paycheck, here's the
breakdown of my "Earnings Statement" AFTER Federal Taxes 

Okay cue the violin music. Not!

Like I've made clear before, waiters and waitresses have chosen our profession and lifestyle, and I'm not complaining, so much as explaining.

But inquiring minds want to know, so here's how my paycheck works ...

In short, the income taxes due on our tips (the amount we claim at the end of every shift) often exceeds our hourly pay.

Another way of putting it would be that "taxes often eat our paychecks down to nothing."

In long, Restaurants (except for very few cities or states) are not required to pay waiters, waitresses and bartenders even minimum wage. In Florida where I live now, the minimum wage "for tipped employees" is a whopping $4.65 per hour. This may sound paltry to you, but other wait-staff reading this may be jealous! When I waited in New Mexico, my pay-scale was $2.85 an hour. Where I started out, in Tennessee, it was - and still is - $2.13. (See http://www.dol.gov/whd/state/tipped.htm for more.) Yes my redneck friends, you know people who feed their families on $2 an hour, plus whatever you leave behind.

Let's say I have "an okay night." As a result of my great service, you fine folks and others like you tip me a grand total of $100. As my readers already know, this entire amount is not mine to keep. Just like you when you see an auto-grat on your bill, I am forced to mandatorally "tip-out" a portion of my sales to that evening's bussers, food-runners, bartenders and hostesses. Let's call it $25, altho some nights it's closer to one-third.

I go to clock out, and I have to report to the restaurant and the IRS how much I am truly "walking with" so $75 total. I worked from 5:30pm to 10:30pm, or, five hours. 5 x $4.65hr is $23.25 I'd be due in wages, BEFORE TAXES.

Guess what tho?

If Uncle Sam takes out just 20% of my $75 in tips ($15), my wages due (for that shift) would come to eight bucks and change. This might be a typical "average" for waiters across the country. (I personally earn more in tips than this "average" example however. If I consistently averaged only $75 a day, I'd be job-hunting). Hey let's not forget that the $4.65 also gets taxed tho, and knock another $4 out of the equation, leaving four bucks and change.

All told, I'd estimate that the average server across the U.S. might actually take home about $5-10 per shift on their paycheck - IF their payscale is $4.65. For those of us that earn only $2hr... well you can see that they (like myself) clock out actually still owing the government money, because even at $3hr, times 5 hours, minus the $15 owed for taxes, still equals nothing. Less than nothing really.

Some mitigating factors :

Neither Florida nor Tennessee have a State Income Tax, but this is pretty rare anymore, correct? In states that DO also deduct state taxes, your server's check will likely be even smaller than the scenario I've described, even if their hourly wage is higher, and especially if they work in a busy place with high prices and large tips.

As paradoxical as it might possibly be hitting you to realize this for the first time, I'm actually glad when my paycheck is Zero, because that means that I must have "walked with" some pretty good money overall in tips the last couple of weeks. For me to actually receive a paycheck of $100 for two weeks, means that it's our slower season(s) and/or that I'm getting stiffed left and right.

Personally, while I am married, I claim "Single" when I start a job, in hopes of getting more taken out of my check to avoid owing at the end of the year, and maybe getting something back. Also, I DO claim all of my tips each shift, but some servers do not (or so I've heard!) because they're hoping to owe less in taxes and maybe get a paycheck.

When my restaurant is busy and I'm making over $100 per night, I get a paycheck of $0 pretty consistently. Coast-to-coast, I'd say servers who do get something on their paychecks receive between $20 and $80 per week, but only if they are working in a slower place, during a slower time or season, where menu prices are reasonably low (say like Ruby Tuesday or Olive Garden, since I've mentioned my past work experience there so often).

Not exactly a livable wage, is it? So yes, whether we make any money to speak of or not is 95% dependent upon our guests rewarding us appropriate to the service they received.

But even if you think you got "bad" or "not good" service (and I mean opposed to "awful") to my mind "stiffing a server" or leaving nothing at all is 100% out of the question.

Why?

While Wikipedia starts with the standard definition
that "tip" or "gratuity" is optional, it also notes (below)
that tipping is "expected" in the United States.
(Above : For those of you still living in the 1950's
I just wanted you to see that your lame joke
or assumption was wrong. T.I.P.S does not
stand for anything, much less Promptness,
Proper, Performance, Preferential, etc 

Well, did you get lousy service, or no service at all? Did you stand in line to order and wait there, only to carry your own food to your table - or to your car? Did you make, serve, or re-fill all of your drinks yourself? Did you call in your order and just pick it up and leave?

Or, did someone come TO you, bring you some drinks, and maybe answer a question for you or make recommendations? And then write down your order, communicate with the kitchen staff on your behalf, and did someone bring you your food - eventually? Whether they seemed congenial and genuinely happy about it, or whether he or she managed to also stroke your ego or not in the process is partly irrelevant.

What I'm specifically asking is did you or did you not get something to eat brought to you from that worker while you sat on your tush and talked with your family, friends, or business associates?

Finally, did you clean up after yourself, take your dirty dishes to the kitchen, then wipe down the table leaving it set and suitable for someone else to sit there?

Are you getting my drift?

Even if you didn't get what you or I would honestly deem as "great service" in almost all cases where you dine out at a sit-down establishment, you got "some service" and you owe somebody some money for doing all those things you didn't do for yourself. If you don't feel you should leave a great tip, leave an adequate one and call it a convenience fee - like when you pay more for groceries at a convenience store for the "service" of not having to park your car 500 feet from the entrance, and fight through the generally higher body count of a real grocery store.

Just like you pay a convenience store more for the same item(s) - in our line of work, you don't pay the restaurant a dime for all the convenient "services" you receive (compared to a fast-food drive-thru). The restaurants typically don't pay us (much) for for the work either, so it's all up to you.

The bottom-line reality is that someone (a human being) did something - many things probably - for you, that you did not have to do for yourself. You owe that person some money, in American culture at least.

I say, if you got LOUSY service then maybe leave a lousy tip (10% perhaps, if your honest goal is to insult the server) ... but no tip at all makes you a thief and a total louse in my book. That server is still likely paying other staff members a percentage of your bill, and stiffing them means that waiting on you cost them money out their pocket. You're treating someone as human scum if you stiff them, and you're acting like you honestly expect other people in this world to cater to you and receive nothing in return.

Good service, leave a good tip (15% at the absolute minimum, if the server met the minimum requirements of the position, but had a bad attitude or made you feel less than special). Great service, leave a great tip (20% or more). Exceptional, above and beyond, knocked your socks off service ...? To Infinity, and Beyond!

Well, if you're a first time reader, you probably think I'm a jerk now, or that I think you owe me a living somehow. That's not the case. I've known the ins-and-outs of serving for over two decades, and I'm still doing it. The bad apples haven't ruined the bunch, for me at least.

For my regular readers, I feel more like I'm speaking to my friends. Speaking rather directly that is (!) but only about something you wanted to know about, from someone you trust. And if you're still with me, it's only because you really wanted a straight answer, so I'm giving it to you.

Believe me, I know you're still finding it hard to even believe most of us servers get $0 paychecks frequently, and are hearing all of this for the first time. You can see now why those of us in the restaurant business have this mantra "If you've never worked in a restaurant, then you shouldn't be allowed to eat in one!"

Still, those without this knowledge out-number those who do have it. And the jerks in this world out-number my friends by a pretty large margin!

And for them, just to keep waiters and waitresses from following you out to your cars by the thousands with violent intent.. or just to keep us from walking out the doors in the middle of our shifts never to return, some people out there just need for the tip to be added to their check.

It's for the overall good of society, trust me.

Why paying servers more per hour won't work, and auto-grat pros and cons still to come...

On Guy's Work Blog ;)

This Is Not A Check : Why You Tip Waiters in the First Place

This post is #2 in a series on the rationale behind tipping waiters and waitresses when dining out. Please read Part 1 before continuing, in order to be up to speed. Thanks - love ya!

My most recent pay stub for the last 2 weeks from my restaurant - $0

Previously on Guy's Work Blog I inadvertently opened the can of worms relating to when you or I go out to eat, that sometimes (usually when dining in larger groups) the tip, or Auto-Gratuity, is added to our bills in a way that implies paying that amount is more or less mandatory. Some friends volleyed right over to how they resent or oppose this "when service sucks" - a sentiment that I don't begrudge them for expressing, nor disagree with either.

So I decided to tackle the topic head-on, no holes barred, and start a series on the why practice of tipping exists in the first place, and especially, on why diners get billed with that Auto-Grat thingy sometimes. My sincere thanks to those of you who did NOT select this day to unsubscribe from my blog, and who trust me enough to tactfully and knowledgeably navigate you through the misunderstandings and all the issues inherent in this touchy subject.

Like the menu at a place you've never eaten, I'm just here to guide you though a world you're likely unfamiliar with and - just as if I were waiting on you in person - if you'll trust my expertise you're gonna have a great time. (And if you want to tip me, great, this'll all be available as a book soon enough!)

Last year, when sharing with you a time that I got stiffed by some customers, why it happened, and the details on why I had to pay $11 out of my own pocket because of this, I ended the post by mentioning to you that my last three paychecks (then) had all been "goose-eggs" also.

Picking up that dangling plot thread for ya finally, above you'll see that my most current paycheck (and the last several before this one actually) have likewise been $0.

"How in the world can that be?" you may be wondering...

"How can a waiter or waitress work full-time for two weeks in a nice restaurant, and not even receive a paycheck from their employer???" If you are wondering this (and thanks for giving a damn) then you're not alone.

It's not that the restaurants don't pay us though, it's just that the reality of the matter comes down to the fact that - by and large - the only true money that goes into our pockets, our bank accounts, or our families' mouths, is what comes from you.

To be continued ... Subscribe, or not, and then maybe read (or re-read) some of the links to old posts I've included in today's entry, to really get the back-story down before we move on to the end-game.

Later tonight I'll send out the breakdown of why my paycheck is what it is. Then I'll get to the well-intentioned but ultimately mis-guided common thought you may have that goes "Well I think the restaurant should just pay you more" ... and then to where the auto-grat comes in, and why.

And eventually back to Petunia.

Is The Tip Included?

Not where I work, btw

I have a feeling this is going to be a three or four-parter. At minimum. There's just such a plethora of issues to cover, that I've been avoiding writing about this, in fact, and in part not to offend some of you.

So, "Is the tip included?" she asks.

"She" being no one in particular, just more like the "one" in the common phrase "There's always one..." or "There's one in every bunch..." and we've all waited on her before - many, many times in fact.

I shall call her Petunia. "Petunia" is in fact the name my mom disdainfully used when speaking of any girl whom one of us three boys was "dating" or "seeing" or "with," but not married to. That is to say, it didn't matter what her name was, my mom didn't care and the girl didn't deserve to have a real name until we'd married her. She was probably no good for us and would cause more harm than good by the time things were over.

So Petunia totally works, for our purposes today.

The image above is a screenshot I saved from an online menu stating some of the restaurant's policies. Pretty harsh, you're probably thinking, huh? Well I liked it, and posted it on my personal Facebook page, only to get two quick responses from certain friends "sharing their feelings" about having to pay a mandatory tip when they get bad service.

Jonathan - "I'm a good tipper but I do not like mandatory rules like that. I would probably never go to that establishment as I don't think I should be forced to tip for bad service if that is the case"

Tony - "what if your service sucks.....then what. Id probably pay cash and subtract the tip, and they can take it up with the authorities if they like..."

Gee guys, "Always look on the brrrr-ight side of life" much?

First off, I find it rather eeeen-teresting that both responses went immediately to the "when service sucks" end of the spectrum. I know it happens (I eat out too y'know, and have received bad service myself) but is it such a NORM in the places you eat that it's the FIRST THING that comes to your mind? Well, maybe you should consider eating at nicer places, if that's the case. But still I understand. Here's what I wrote them right off the bat :

"I agree that you don't ever have to tip for bad service. Tell a server or manager your objections, and they'll remove it from the tab. But my 20+ years tell me it happens the other way about 1000 to 1 - where I or someone I work with gives adequate, good, or fantastic service and wind up getting stiffed or cheated, compared the amount of times a server honestly deserves to not be tipped. A blog about this is sure to come."

I know you readers know that I'm a pro, and am generally on your side, and I know that you'll  trust me enough to ride this topic out with me while I share about all the issues that go into this mandatory tipping thing, which we affectionately call "The Auto-Grat."

But for this one, I'm finally going to be giving you my side now. And yeh, I said "1000 to 1" - IMHO, waiters and waitresses get stiffed or screwed over about 1000 times more often then you are forced to tip for truly awful service. Plus, YOU actually CAN go to the manager and get the tip removed if you make your case that the service was awful and why you don't feel you should have to tip.

What am I gonna do when the reverse happens and you stiff me for good service? Follow you out to your car and take the money out of your wallet? Not without consequences that would be much worse than getting fired...

Well, I can't promise some of you won't be offended as this "series" plays out, but I can promise to play fair and be nice. If you want to subscribe for the follow-ups, here's most of what I imagine having to cover before I can take you back to the moment of when Petunia asks me "Is the tip included?" and I politely refrain from punching her in the face.

Whoa. Strong words those. "Why would I / We servers have such an emotional response to such a simple question?" Well, it's complicated, but it goes a little bit like this. My thoughts on  :

- This Is Not a Check : Why You Are Expected to Tip in the First Place
- I Think Tipping Should Be Done Away With, and the Restaurant Just Pay Their Waiters (and why you really DON'T want to see that happen, altho you may think it's a good idea)
- AutoGrat : Why the Mandatory Tip Exists in the first place
- Passive-aggressive Scenes I've seen and people who have gotten fired when stiffed
- Why Didn't You Tell Us the Tip Was Included? Because DoubleGrat is waiter lingo for "Hallejiuah!"
- Back to Petunia
- Let Them Eat Cake (but I'm not cutting it)

are soon to come.

Pandora's Box is officially now open for business. Feel free to comment below to participate, or on my Facebook page. And buckle your safety belts too - we're in for a bumpy ride!

Employers Asking Facebook Passwords and How to Fight Back

LOL! The image I should've gone with to start!

E-mail marketing Sensei, AR supporter and my good chum Ben Settle teaches that part of successful marketing (actually getting your e-mails and blog read) involves bringing up current events. The idea is that you "bond with" and will be read more often by your audience by "...entering the conversation that is already going on in your client / audience's head" - or at the water cooler, for instance.

Sage advice, that. So... (Jerry Seinfeld voice) "WHAT IS UP with prospective employers thinking they have the right to demand my Facebook password as part of a job interview?!?"

It's a practice that Facebook actually forbids, and that legislation has already begun to attempt to prevent. Among the currently-employed, many of us have the bravado to say that we'd just get up and walk away from the interview. However, when confronted with the reality of this situation, many un-employed (or job seeking) people may not have the luxury of doing just that, perhaps because of mouths needing to be fed today.

So let me tell ya what *I* think about it, and what I'd do if asked.

First off, I think the whole practice is illegal at face value. Every "job application" I've ever seen states NOT to disclose your religious or political affiliation, and these are questions that cannot be asked in an interview (understanding the employer's perspective however, the link also details what they can ask, to get basically the same information). Quite simply, these answers could be prejudicial .. either they'd reject you because they don't like your ideology, or they might hire you over a more qualified candidate because they are of the same ideology as you.

In speaking with some ladies (teachers, it turned out) about this very topic whom I was serving just yesterday, they also informed me that women in particular cannot be asked about their children, or plans to have children. The interviewer might reject them thinking they'd just be asking for maternity leave eventually, or miss work if a child got sick.

Well guess what Sherlock? Personal Facebook pages generally contain ALL of that information! Point-blank, because it's illegal to ask, this "Facebook interview" style needs to be made illegal as well, and soon.

While most employers may not be asking your actual password, another common practice that has evolved recently is that the interviewer, or employer, requires that you "friend" the company, or their HR manager, so they can keep tabs on whether you say disparaging things about your employer.

As the kids I work with today say "I call BS..."

Dear employers : I have many years of tending bar under my belt. If you're willing to pay someone in your company to monitor your employee's pages to police this, then you're also going to have to hire private detectives to sit in every bar in your city. Why? Take it from me : people say disparaging things about their employers by the droves every single day over happy hour. You're not going to be able to stop it, and trust me, you're better off not knowing anyways!

I would LOVE to be the guy (or to inspire a reader, perhaps?) to go into an interview "miked" - aka "wired for sound" and to record such an interview to get some big company sued and this topic settled in Federal Court. If I don't, one of you more cantakerous readers of mine can feel free to act out my proposed scenario :

Interviewer: "Okay Mr/Ms Jones, you look like a great candidate for the position. We just need to have a look at your Facebook profile before we can continue to move forward."

Me (or You) : "Oh wow, I don't see what my personal life has to do with my ability to perform the job?"

Interviewer : "Well, it doesn't neccessarily, it's just a procedure we follow."

Me (or You): "You know, I'm not exactly comfortable with that idea, because my personal Facebook page has references to my family life, and my political and religious views, which I know you're not supposed to ask about in an interview. Are you saying that obtaining this information is essential to determining whether you'll hire me, or not?"

Interviewer (either squirming, or copping an attitude) : "No, not at all. We have no intention of asking about those things. It's just (insert lame rhetoric here)... but I'm afraid we can't move ahead with the interview process without your Facebook information. It's just policy."

Me (or You) : "Can I have that in writing?"

Interviewer (squirming) : "Excuse me?"

Me (or You) : "I object to having to give you more information than the law allows about my family life, and my religious and political views, and if you look at my personal page, that's exactly the information you're going to see first. So no, I'm not giving you that type of access, and I'd like to see a copy of your policy that states you won't consider me for employment without my personal information - Facebook or otherwise."

Interviewer : "I'm afraid this interview is over."

Me (or You) : "Then that's what you're saying? That if I don't provide you my Facebook and other personal information, that I can't even interview?"

Interviewer: "I'm sorry, but I'm afraid so."

Me - to myself "Thanks for the million bucks - looks like I won't be needing the job anyway!" and I'd walk out the door with my recording to go find a lawyer who wants to take this on a contingency fee.

If you try it first, be sure and send me a nice tip for the advice!

Hey, thanks to my mad skills with internet key word usage, I know that some of you reading this are probably first-time visitors to this page, who were just searching out the topic. Thanks for the visit, and you should definitely subscribe to my blog before you click your merry way home. I am (so I'm told) "a very gifted and talented writer and story-teller, with a great sense of humor, who subscribers look forward to hearing from, because I bring enjoyment even to people who have no interest in the Food and Bar industry." Check out more of my tales over on the right, if you don't believe me. Then go to the top of any page, and pony up your e-mail addy. You'll be glad you did!

And if you happen to have a website, business, or service of your own, you should definitely sally over to http://www.bensettle.com/ to get on his list of how to write e-mails that sell!

While I'm being all self and cross-promty, if you are a business owner who found this page curious about Facebook and the law, let me bless your socks off as well, leaving you with more than you came for. I do more than wait tables and write about it : my "day job" involves offering you a service that will almost definitely increase your sales dramatically. Leave me a comment below with your url and contact info (I'll delete it so others won't spam you) and will send you some info you really need and don't even know yet how badly you want, but you do - especially if you're involved with Auto Repair, Dental or Veterinarian work, or Furniture or Appliance Sales.

If that's you, you came to this page looking for one type of advice, and I may have just saved you a million bucks or so with this article. Let me show you what I can add to that in the very near future.

We don't have to meet in person to set you up either, but IF we do, I promise I won't come miked.

How Lizard, Paper, Spock got me my first bar shift

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Because I said so, that's why.


Making a rhyme, "Well unless you live under a rock, you probably know about Lizard, Paper, Spock."

It comes from the enormously successful CBS Sit-Com "Big Bang Theory" about four genius uber-nerds and the cute dumb blonde Cheescake Factory waitress who lives next door (who impossibly, becomes one of their girlfriends!). It's like "Friends" with calculus.

The guys have an interesting way of settling their disputes. Where most of us who's lives aren't interesting enough to be on tv might play "Rock, Paper, Scissors" to settle a competition or whatever, that's not good enough for these nerds, due to some inherent problems with the mathematical probabilities. Makes sense, right? So they add more variables, including a lizard and the Spock-meister himself.

Yes, the pointy-eared guy from Star Trek. I said the show was about a bunch of nerds, right? Well then don't be surprised. Anyways, it's quite a funny bit, and you should definitely watch it.

Before continuing reading, I mean.

I did go to the trouble of embedding it above, so seriously, you need to watch it.

You watched it yet?

I'm not going to keep writing any more until you do.....

Okay! With that out of the way, our place often has these really large parties, sometimes large enough to qualify as "a buy-out" where the restaurant actually closes to the public for a night, while some huge company or event pays us just to wait on their hundred or five hundred people. It's great money, and because of the volume we need to set up "satellite bars" occasionally in different areas, such as the patio, for instance because there's just way too many people in the building to accomodate at the bar without lines for service being two or three people deep.

A server will generally be assigned this role, and there's lots of us who want to do it, because it's more fun and usually way easier than than having to fight your way through the throngs of people while carrying food and drinks. It's kind of a cush job really, as you get to stand there and just pour beer and wine while hob-nobbing or flirting with the guests.

So there's like 12 of us servers scheduled for this one, and "Cristal" (not her real name. Cristal is the brand name of a Champagne produced by Louis Roederer. Cristal has a flat-bottomed clear, "crystal" bottle, anti- UV cellophane wrapper, and gold label - according to Wikipedia) our Events Manager hasn't yet decided who to assign the satellite bar to yet.

Which means it's on.

"Oooh! Oooh! Pick me!" is how it sometimes goes. "Beatnick" and I are both there, volunteering our services, and rather than going to go get straws to draw, he suggests - you guessed it - Rock, Paper, Scissors.

As any dork who's seen the program Big Bang theory would naturally do, I counter with "No. Lizard, Paper, Spock." Beatnick apparently isn't as nerdy as the rest of us, and just looks at me, saying "What?"

"Lizard, Paper, Spock!" I make a lame effort to explain the rules. "It's to keep us from tying, by adding more stuff. The lizard eats the paper or bites Spock, the paper disproves Spock, and Spock uses his phaser to shoot the rock." Something like that anyways; I'll probably never be able to say it correctly. Nor will you.

Beatnick's running low on patience, but otherwise game. "Whatever" he says, "One. Two. Three."

Well, I make my obligatory Spock hand, but he hasn't signed anything. You see, I went "on three" while he was thinking "Three, and then sign." I start us over meaning to accomodate his way. "One. Two. Three." I'm about to sign when he goes on three. Obviously he meant to accomodate my way.

Looking each other in the eye, we count down together this time. "One, Two, Three."

We look down. We both have scissors. Beatnick is frustrated beyond compare with the whole situation now, throws his hands up in the air, and says "Just take it!" while he walks away hurriedly.

Heh, heh, heh, heh, heh...

Nerds rule.

A Tale of Three Waitresses

Source: From the movie "Waitress"

Now here's a study in contrasts for ya.

For our purposes here, I'll call my three co-workers Cheery, Charlie, and Cabernet.

As her nickname implies, "Cheery" usually never gives anybody any trouble, has a pleasant disposition and kind word for everybody, and does her job usually without being asked. She's been around here awhile (long before me), and is one of the few people here for whom this is their first job ever waiting tables. We don't normally hire someone without experience, but we do like to train good workers from within from the hostess and busser pool.

"Charlie" is... well, a bit gruff around the edges. Older and more experienced, she's one of those we closers have to watch out for, and pay close attention to make sure she does her work before leaving - or else you'll get stuck doing it. She's also likely to snake your table on less busy days if you're a bit slow getting there. "Oh I was just greeting them for you, I didn't know if you knew you'd been sat or not. I got the drink order for you... unless you just want me to keep them?" Uh-hummm.

"Cabernet" is so named (here) simply because her true first name is also the name of a very great wine from Alexander Valley, CA that I like, but certainly can't afford. She's pretty experienced and has an outgoing personality, but still pretty fresh out of our training and still figuring out who's who and what's what at this restaurant. We're thinking we like her so far. I was one of her assigned trainers, so she's accustomed to bringing her questions and situations to me still, as you'll see below.

Anyways, especially when we're in a slower season, there can sometimes be little fights and competitions over who gets what tables and how many. When you walk into a restaurant without a reservation, you will generally be seated "in rotation" meaning that whoever's "turn it is" is your server. We consider it lucky when it's our turn and a large group comes in (8 or more means auto-grat) BUT sometimes the size of your party could mean you need a big table that's in another server's section, altho it's not their turn. And that's the the crux of where many such fights stem from. It can be one server's turn, but somehow a table in another server's section is required - and "may the best man win" at times.

Now with most restaurants at a certain number of people, two or more servers are going to have to share the larger tables, to help ensure good service. Here, our number is 12, but as in all places I've worked, there's a somewhat sliding scale based upon several factors. A table of 8 that's drinking a lot of alcohol means many, many trips to the bar, and can keep me much busier and in maybe in need of much more help than a party of 12 that is not drinking, just for instance. 12 people at lunch may involve less trips because it's just "soft beverage, entree, refill bevs and they go" but they may also need to be out quickly and therefore it's beneficial all around to have two servers to get them in and out.

It's almost always the manager-on-duty's call however, based on their take of the restaurant's overall needs, and the big picture of how any given group of servers will function as a team - or not - at any given time. The most common other determining factors would include the server's skill and seniority, and how busy the restaurant actually is. Recently for instance, I had a group of 11 that slowly grew to 14. This time, I was not told to split it by management, but "Villager" stepped in and helped me out at a much needed time, as I've done for him as well - teamwork! - and everything went smoothly. I've also been instructed to split a couple of 10-tops as well, in the same restaurant, for a variety of reasons.

However, sometimes favoritism and politics can come into play, and sometimes someone's need or greed can get in the way of their better judgment - either taking on more than they can honestly handle, or by inviting themselves into a situation where they aren't needed, or wanted.

This story would be a clear case of the latter. Here's what happened.

Cheery gets seated a large table (maybe 10, 12 or 14, I don't even know off-hand). Harry (the manager on duty) apparently makes the call to let her work it alone. Charlie however announces to Cheery that she's going to have to split it with her and pretty much "greets" the table and starts taking drink orders. It was a slow night in a slow season, and she just felt like throwing her weight around a bit to make a few bucks apparently. (I also know that Charlie's a single mom, so being fair maybe she was just in a desperate situation.)

While wronged, Cheery remained agreeable and non-confrontational about it, and just focused on serving our guests, without fighting or making a big scene out of it all. She did her job, while more or less getting "walked all over" by Charlie's aggressiveness, but in the moment Cheery remained professional enough to not fight back right then, nor contribute to more bad vibes, that the guests might pick up on.

Harry however doesn't like this situation one bit, once he catches wind of it. Whether it was personal in that he felt his authority was being challenged, whether he was just sticking up for Cheery's rights in a "fair's fair" way, or whether he just decided that Charlie needed to be reprimanded all around I can't say (probably the last two tho, much more than the first, knowing him).

I'm standing at the front beverage station with Cabernet, neither of us far from Harry, when Charlie comes walking by. Harry - kind of out-of-the-blue - announces "Charlie, you're cut."

("Cut" is just our lingo for going down to fewer servers than we started the shift with, because business is declining).

Charlie... stupid Charlie.. thinks this is a fight she can win, and snaps back "Oh? So now you're cutting me just because I took that party without asking you?"

Only when push really comes to shove, Harry will get up in anybody's face if needed. Out of the whole restaurant, he's the one guy I'd want on my side on a fist-fight (or a court battle for that matter). Once, some drunk and cut-off guests tried to walk out on their $300 tab. Harry's the guy that ran after them into the lobby, showed them the error of their ways, and got the credit card from them before they could hit the door. The phrase is "polite, but firm" I believe... except that Harry has a way of pulling this off with more than a trace of "You really don't want to piss me off" accenting the conversation.

Charlie, I think, pissed him off. He stares her down and adds to his previous statement "Charlie, you're NOT ON the party, AND you're cut!"

Well, that's when the water-works started. Charlie starts protesting and Harry just ends it with "It's not your decision to make" and walks off, before really hurting her feelings, I'd imagine.

Charlie's out the door in less than two minutes, crying some, but also yelling about how she hates and quits this %&#@! place as she goes.

Cabernet's there for the whole thing, watching it with me. Her eyes remain slightly smaller than saucers. Remember, she's new here, and trying to figure out what to think about all of this, probably afraid of getting caught in the cross-fire, I'm thinking.

I'm wrong. She turns to me, leans in while we're watching Charlie hit the bricks, and asks me quietly "So. Do you think I'd get in trouble if I asked to pick up her shifts?"

Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha!!!!!!!

Maybe you'd have to work in a restaurant to see the beauty of that one, I dunno. Nobody likes the strife of working with a greedy table-hog, BUT we all know you have to be a little bit greedy to make it in this business. The trick is finding just the right balance of knowing the right times to step up or step down, and how to seize opportunities as they come to you, but without screwing over others as you do so.

In this case Charlie stepped ON someone it seems, and it back-fired. Cheery stepped down, and got to see the situation take care of itself, without her pushing the issue. Continuing the analogy, Harry put his foot down.

And Cabernet stepped up right on time, and showed us right from the get-go that she'll fit in perfectly around here. I can't help but brag about her to others in fact.

I re-tell that story that night, always prefacing it to my other co-workers by saying "THIS is why we like Cabernet!"

They'd ask "Why?"

I'd reply "All that drama with Charlie...? She comes up to me and asks....."

Well, my co-workers though it was hilarious, and I think like her all the more for knowing that's how she rolls. Hope you could feel the love too.

Table for None?

I had customers leave because we were out of what the gentleman wanted.

This rarely happens in our business (the leaving part that is), but it does occasionally.

The only thing blog-worthy about it is the fact I umm... "totally helped them" make that decision, heh heh...

I open their bottle of wine, he tastes and approves, I pour hers then top him off. The lady then orders her meal, and the man orders our Ribeye steak. A fantastic choice (!) which I do highly recommend, but unfortunately "I'm sorry sir, we've run out of the Ribeyes tonight. About an hour ago actually, I'm sorry."

Normally, this is where the spin-doctoring begins for me. Most nights, I'd quite enthusiatically suggest an alternative or two that he might like, or I'd offer him a few more minutes with the menu. To soften the blow I might tell them the reason we're out - if there is a good one - like a supply or delivery issue beyond the restaurant's control. Anything just to keep the conversation flowing (on my terms) and to keep those butts in the seat and dollars coming into my and the restaurant's bank account.

But the look on this guy's face said it all. He wasn't having it.

There were other mitigating circumstances I suppose I should tell you. They were my last table of the evening, and seated at a point where my prior tables were at least halfway done. I wasn't closing tonight, so basically I'd get to leave right around whatever time my last table does. Also, I open the next morning, meaning I have to be here early, no matter how late I stay tonight.

Did I mention that they were English? Yeah... tourists from the U.K. So, if you're a long-time reader, well "You know how we feel about the English" now don't you?

As tippers I mean, not as people of course. There's a high probability that they'll be tipping 10%, and on that $34 bottle of wine they'd ordered so far, that'd be $3.40. But wait, we tip out 7% of our alcohol sales to the bar remember? So $34 times 7% is $2.38. If they round down, this leaves me looking at a $3 tip that I'm going to have to tip out $2 on. So, unless they really, really surprise me with a fantastic tip overall, I'm basically getting the feeling of working for free here, and staying at least an hour longer - while they finish their wine, then their espressos - on a night where I have to turn around and get right back up and come back in.

It happened just earlier this week in fact - an English couple that came in late, ordered a bottle of wine, and then another bottle right when their meal was almost done. It didn't bother me, because 99 times out of 100, I'm appreciative of the high sales, and generally optimistic about the (admittedly minuscule) chances of getting a good tip from the UK-ers, and could generally care less if I get a bad one - that's the business and I know it. In this case, the manager himself asked me at one point "Do they realize they're the only people left in the building?" Whether they did or didn't know, they weren't going to hear it from me, or feel pressured in any way.

You people know me by now, right? Like I said 99 times out of 100, I'm here for the guests' needs first, the restaurant's needs second, and full of faith and optimism enough to know that if I focus on those things, my needs work out fine. Ask any cook here, or my former job - Cattle Baron in Roswell - and they'll tell you "Guy takes the late tables." I've fought with enough cooks about waiting on people who show up 5 minutes before or even 5 minutes after we close to know that my record of congeniality speaks for itself.

But tonight, the perfect storm of variables meets up, and this guy got to be my "one in a hundred." Seriously, this guy was over 6 feet tall and maybe 230 pounds by the way. He wanted our 20 ounce (including the bone) Ribeye, and the only place I had to go from there - beef-wise - was an 8 ounce Filet. Knowing this, what were our chances, really, of making this guy happy? Maybe talk him into ordering two Filet Mignons? Not likely.

So with all the back-story in mind, here's what I really said, opposed the more congenial spin-doctoring I might usually employ to keep them around. I flip my usual formula a bit, and decide to go with what's best for the guest's needs - and coincidentally MY needs as well - and let the restaurant take the hit, just this once.

From the top :

"I serve their bottle of wine, the lady orders her meal, and the man orders our Ribeye steak. A fantastic choice which I do highly recommend, but unfortunately "I'm sorry sir, we've run out of the Ribeyes tonight. About an hour ago actually, I'm sorry.""

The perfect storm meets the look on his face, and I take my next cue from him.

"That's apparently a deal-breaker, huh?" I say.

"It is," he replies. "I'm outta here."

His wife sighs.

He and I both know what we want to happen. All that's needed now is making it okay with her.

"It's okay, I completely understand" I say, reaching for their wine bottle. "I'm a steak eater too. If you had your heart set on a 20 ounce Ribeye I don't think our 8 ounce Filet will do it for you." I re-seal the wine, saying "I'll get this taken off your check" (I already know we sell this one by the glass, so the restaurant won't actually lose money on this scenario - we'll just re-sell what's left. My conscience is totally clear on this. If it were a "reserve wine" that we only sell by the bottle, I probably would have at least offered the Filet. Really.).

He asks "Where else can I get a good steak around here?"

Well, since he asked, professional courtesy demands that I point right across the way to Capital Grille. "They're known for the best steaks around."

They don't even have to drive to get there. I'm okay with it, he's okay with it, and she's ... not objecting. Time to close this deal.

"They can be tough to get into sometimes if you don't have a reservation. There's also Ruth's Chris, Morton's, and a Flemming's all on Sand Lake Drive." I give him easy to follow directions just in case they need them, and they go on their merry way, and everyone involved is happy.

I take the wine to Joon at the bar, and tell her simply "They left because we're 86 Ribeyes. He tasted this one (as I put that glass in the dirty dish area of the service bar) "... and she didn't drink out of this one." What Joon does with that glass is - not my business. I've got plenty of bartending under my belt, and I know good and well what Id've done, but it's not my call. She's got half a a bottle she can re-sell tho.

I later tell Harry (the manager) the same thing and he voids the wine off of the check. Can't win 'em all. I polish and roll some silver, and clock out comparatively early, compared to my norm. I'm consoled this morning by getting up early enough for coffee and brief conversation with the Doxy Lady, and I'm still the first waiter to clock in, at a cool 10:25am.

Yeh, my conscience is clear. Altho as I'm sipping my coffee, a slight smile spreads across my lips, as I can almost hear the echo. Last night, somewhere in Orlando, some waiter was cursing my name outloud as he gets sat a 2-top from Europe 5 minutes before his restaurant closed. Oh well, sucks to be you.

Cheers mate.