How Lizard, Paper, Spock got me my first bar shift

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Because I said so, that's why.


Making a rhyme, "Well unless you live under a rock, you probably know about Lizard, Paper, Spock."

It comes from the enormously successful CBS Sit-Com "Big Bang Theory" about four genius uber-nerds and the cute dumb blonde Cheescake Factory waitress who lives next door (who impossibly, becomes one of their girlfriends!). It's like "Friends" with calculus.

The guys have an interesting way of settling their disputes. Where most of us who's lives aren't interesting enough to be on tv might play "Rock, Paper, Scissors" to settle a competition or whatever, that's not good enough for these nerds, due to some inherent problems with the mathematical probabilities. Makes sense, right? So they add more variables, including a lizard and the Spock-meister himself.

Yes, the pointy-eared guy from Star Trek. I said the show was about a bunch of nerds, right? Well then don't be surprised. Anyways, it's quite a funny bit, and you should definitely watch it.

Before continuing reading, I mean.

I did go to the trouble of embedding it above, so seriously, you need to watch it.

You watched it yet?

I'm not going to keep writing any more until you do.....

Okay! With that out of the way, our place often has these really large parties, sometimes large enough to qualify as "a buy-out" where the restaurant actually closes to the public for a night, while some huge company or event pays us just to wait on their hundred or five hundred people. It's great money, and because of the volume we need to set up "satellite bars" occasionally in different areas, such as the patio, for instance because there's just way too many people in the building to accomodate at the bar without lines for service being two or three people deep.

A server will generally be assigned this role, and there's lots of us who want to do it, because it's more fun and usually way easier than than having to fight your way through the throngs of people while carrying food and drinks. It's kind of a cush job really, as you get to stand there and just pour beer and wine while hob-nobbing or flirting with the guests.

So there's like 12 of us servers scheduled for this one, and "Cristal" (not her real name. Cristal is the brand name of a Champagne produced by Louis Roederer. Cristal has a flat-bottomed clear, "crystal" bottle, anti- UV cellophane wrapper, and gold label - according to Wikipedia) our Events Manager hasn't yet decided who to assign the satellite bar to yet.

Which means it's on.

"Oooh! Oooh! Pick me!" is how it sometimes goes. "Beatnick" and I are both there, volunteering our services, and rather than going to go get straws to draw, he suggests - you guessed it - Rock, Paper, Scissors.

As any dork who's seen the program Big Bang theory would naturally do, I counter with "No. Lizard, Paper, Spock." Beatnick apparently isn't as nerdy as the rest of us, and just looks at me, saying "What?"

"Lizard, Paper, Spock!" I make a lame effort to explain the rules. "It's to keep us from tying, by adding more stuff. The lizard eats the paper or bites Spock, the paper disproves Spock, and Spock uses his phaser to shoot the rock." Something like that anyways; I'll probably never be able to say it correctly. Nor will you.

Beatnick's running low on patience, but otherwise game. "Whatever" he says, "One. Two. Three."

Well, I make my obligatory Spock hand, but he hasn't signed anything. You see, I went "on three" while he was thinking "Three, and then sign." I start us over meaning to accomodate his way. "One. Two. Three." I'm about to sign when he goes on three. Obviously he meant to accomodate my way.

Looking each other in the eye, we count down together this time. "One, Two, Three."

We look down. We both have scissors. Beatnick is frustrated beyond compare with the whole situation now, throws his hands up in the air, and says "Just take it!" while he walks away hurriedly.

Heh, heh, heh, heh, heh...

Nerds rule.